“I caught Wood two weeks ago and it’s finally bearing fruit!” [Cancel Police break down my door and throw me to the ground] You don’t need a search warrant before entering my house to cancel? Oh, you’re digging your steel-toed boots into my back! Take them off me, or lower them a little on my hiney! [Another set of Cancel Police run in] 1st set of police officers talking to 2nd set of police officers saying, “Hey, what are you doing here?”
“We’re already booked for a bad ‘catch Wood’ joke.”
“Hmm, we played an inappropriate joke on him by putting a boot on his head.”
“We were there first.”
“Too bad, keister’s joke is too bad.”
“Impossible! Catching Wood? Are you kidding? That’s bad! Cancel your cancellation papers! We’re bringing him in!” And that’s how one set of Cancellation Police came to me but they left with another set of Cancellation Police. One thing they’ll never take from me James Wood (1-of-4). I just gave you my dream of James Wood. Dan Pants has just given you his dream of James Wood. Prospect Itch has just given you his dream of James Wood. Why is there so much excitement? He can – Well, he, Wood, could be the last great call left. Coby Mayo is there, but the O’s don’t have the cap space they already have. Junior Caminero is still flashing his hips, but the Rays could be sellers, so why call him up before September? Brooks Lee looks solid, but the Twins have a hole that doesn’t go to him. Jason Dominguez is injured and the Yanks don’t have a ton of room for Giancarlo to return. It would be Wood and no one else, except MLB starters coming back from injury – think Robbie Ray, Baz, Kershaw, etc. So, James Wood looks like a star of the future. 35+ homer power, 35+ steal speed, can hit .280+. It’s all the makings here of fantasy and real baseball. Will it happen this year? Who knows, but he pays more than Wood. Love your subscription only to fans. [Cancel Police storm in again, throw me to the ground] A third set of Cancel Police? Oh, come on! Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
MacKenzie Gore – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.47. Gore goes like this: WHOMP, bad start, ERA goes to 3.60-ish, then starts strong so his ERA is under 3.50; strong start to around 3.30, then WHOMP, bad start, ERA goes back to 3.60-ish; rinse and repeat.
Kodai Senga – He will make his first rehab start on Wednesday. That puts him in the first week of August to return if all goes well. On February 22, one reported that Senga was one of the 40 starters after suffering a shoulder injury. No, not me. I told you not to draw him. The Mets said on March 9 that he could return in mid-May. My Remote Calendar says July. If you purposefully write a starter with an injured arm, you get what’s coming to you.
Brandon Nimmo – Off the list after falling in his hotel room. Apparently, he was dancing to Jose Iglesias’ OMG while Grimace ran up the wall of his hotel room like the Kool Aid Man after being chased by Yoenis Cespedes’ pigs. If you understood that, I’m sorry you’re a Mets fan. With great determination, Nimmo hit his head on the toilet and woke up hours later not sure how he got there. Then he drew a flux capacitor.
Christian Scott – Will be back on Wednesday against the Nats. I’m not sure if he’s a starter or if he’s still standing. It may have to do with how well he does. He should definitely be a flyer in the mixed leagues, I posted a 2.12 ERA in Triple-A and just went for him in my RCL league, because I am what I eat: My words.
David Peterson – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.51. His slide in 2022 was excellent. Since then? It’s too bad. I’m not sure what happened. His change and curve seem to work, but not bread and butter, what a pickle! Streamonator doesn’t like the next one, but I’ll start him in Pittsburgh.
Jose Iglesias – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his first homer. OMG. If you haven’t heard a Jose Iglesias song, please don’t. It’s as bad as you think, but it’s not as “badly funny” as the Super Bowl prank.
JD Martinez – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. Just Dong because that’s how one reacts when challenged by a meatball.
Brenton Doyle – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and a double slam (8, 9) and walks (20). You hit 7. Meanwhile, Charlie Blackmon (2-for-5 and his fourth homer) has emerged as the best since the Carter Administration as if he’s one of the greatest men of our generation and deserves to go out, Chazz Noir style, on a white horse, to collect flowers his, and put them on his saddle and the other on his teeth.
William Contreras – 3-for-5, 2 runs, and his 10th homer. I don’t usually skip the Coors home team because it’s Coors, they have to beat the home team, but there were three games scheduled yesterday because MLB is dumb.
Joey Loperfido – You didn’t start again. Why is Loperfido not playing at all? Does Dusty Baker’s reputation carry the Astros?
Hunter Brown – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.07. He has a 1.99 ERA since May 1st. How was April? Oh you don’t want to know! You ask how he was in April because that’s when you dumped him? Oh, geez, well you know what you’re doing in April! It was better than a 1.99 ERA*. *Higher numbers are better.
Jordan Alvarez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .294. 33 more! Okay, I’ll take another 23 this time. Take me to 40 Dong Cheezos and hit the .300, and we go from Diego to the Bay, the city is a bomb when Captain Woo Cubano hits the bombs.
Jeremy Pena – 1-for-3 with his 6th homer, hitting .277. The best exchange for Peña. Easily the highest tilde in baseball with the loss of Acuña. Peña went from a 10-homer hitter last year to a 12-homer hitter this year. Oh, you thought I was serious about going back? He’s good, about 110 overall on Player Rater, but he yawns a lot. Saving him a proposed speed of 20 steals.
Josh Hader – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.82. He allowed a home run to Ernie Clement as if he were Ernie Roberto Clemente. Oh, Hader, I hate you. Guess how many saves Hader has. Go ahead! Half the season! How many would there be? 18? 20? 16? it’s 13! God, you are disgusting.
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – I did not play with my finger to be uncomfortable. I have my finger on him.
Yariel Rodriguez – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.63. I caught him the first week because I got a bunch of grapes the size of two Grimaces. People look at me and they’re like, do you have blueberry elephantiasis? I do, thanks for noticing. If you didn’t spread it yesterday – it’s fun to absorb! – but if you wonder about the Streamonator in the future, it likes the following even more.
Ernie Clement – 2-for-4 with his 4th homer. That gives him four times as many homers as Ernie’s best friend, Bert, with the eyebrows.
Isiah Kiner-Falefa – He felt something in his knee while doing his pre-match exercises. Is it… love?
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