This post is called giving flowers. I’m at 1-800-Flowers headquarters, answering questions like, “Why can’t I just call them?” and “What do you mean you don’t know our number?” and “If you don’t get along, that’s all the more reason not to be here, right?” Such questions! But you know what, I need to give Brent Rooker (1-for-3, 2 RBIs and a slam, 23, and legs, 6) his flowers. This will start my nine-month campaign to write Rooker next year so that by April 15 of 2025, people will be like, “Hey, Grey, pretty face, do you like Brent Rooker?” Yes, I’m obsessed with Brent Rooker! He has 23 homers on July 23. Coincidence? I don’t think so! [reading definition of what a coincidence is] Actually, yes, it’s just a coincidence. He is on pace for a 35/10 season and is still underrated. As BDon told me on this week’s podcast, the A’s were the top offense in July, and that’s in large part for Brent Rooker (although Lawrence Butler (3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer) they played a game like The Thing from The Addams Family (Shea Langeliers) (1-for-4, 19th homer) did his part Seth Brown (2-for-4) hit his 8th homer yesterday, and Zack Gelof (1-for-4); ) struck out 13). But this is about Rooker’s flowers! I just want to let you feast your eyes on this:
Give Brent Rooker his flowers, I yell, banging on 1-800-Flowers doors. Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jeremy Pena – 3-for-4 with a slam (9) and walks (12), hitting .282. How to be a JP, unlike…
JP Crawford – Hit IL with a broken finger. Pinkie just isn’t her name, that’s where she said she was hurt. The Mariners should consider another JP as a pitch, because they don’t have a hit. Dylan Moore could see, uh, a lot of playing time.
Julio Rodriguez – Hit the IL with a high ankle sprain. He was such a nightmare. Couldn’t you have access to IL on Monday before the weekly list was locked? I don’t have a very good time!
Luis Rengifo – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs as activated from IL. I have him in all that merit to give JRod to my teams! I’m having a terrible time!
Mike Trout – Pulled out of his rehab game due to soreness in his surgically repaired knee. God is not a follower of Angels.
Jose Soriano – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.51. Streamonator loved this start, and you have to ask yourself, “Who wouldn’t start compared to M?”
Jonkensy Noel – 2-for-4 with his 5th homer. Honk-SEE!
Jose Ramirez – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer. Joe-SEE!
Steven Kwan – 2-for-3 with his 10th homer. Happy Kwan-SA!
Wenceel Perez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, 2nd homer of the week. Forget if I mentioned this here or on the pod, but I caught Wenceel in a few places last week because he was hot and I was desperate. About 50/50 each.
Albert Suarez – 2 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.48. In my RCL, I caught Suarez on Monday, but I had to drop him to catch someone else (probably Daniel Hudson), then, when I dropped Suarez, someone else caught him. “My God, mon, you’ve got the oldest trick in the book, mon.” Name that movie.
Jesus Sanchez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 12th homer. It’s very hard to get excited about any of the bats for the Marlins. I want to believe in Jesus, but, sadly, I blame the way I was raised.
Jose Berrios – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.08. Trade him to San Diego or Seattle or some decent place and renew my man, please. Joe Berry Berry is unpleasant.
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 1-for-3 with his 17th homer. He had four homers in April and May combined, and one homer in March. I’ll do the math for you: He had 12 homers in June and July. The 35-homer pace is very similar. The problem with the 35-homer pace is that if you’re not perfect for a month or two, like he was in April and May, then you’re like a 27-homer guy vs. 35 homers. It’s a quibble, p to erhaps, but you want 35 homers not 27. I know you guys.
Brandon Lowe – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, and 5th homer in July. One more than Vladdy in July, for what Cronenworth is.
Justin Turner – 3-for-4 with his 6th homer. It was his first home run of the year. Oh, sorry, no it wasn’t. I only felt that way.
Paul Skenes – 8 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.93. Skenes says, “I’m not going to win Rookie of the Year. I’m going to win the Cy Young.”
Lance Lynn – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.17. Apparently, Lance Lynn’s crotch is catching > Skenes.
Nolan Arenado – 1-for-3 with his 10th homer. Hi, want to see my copy of The Feminine Mystique? The first version. My wife says that’s why she married me. Here, it’s this open window–NOOOOOO!!! The Torenado!
Jackie Bradley Jr. – Signed by the Mets. Have you heard how he walked three times in his professional debut in 2013? It was a thing of beauty.
I saw the Mets signed Jackie Bradley Jr. so I went to his Wiki and you might want to check this out. pic.twitter.com/JHkqIPfttf
– Razzball (@Razzball) July 23, 2024
Christian Scott – Hit the IL with a UCL sprain. I wish I could give this the amount of concern it probably deserves, but why does this IL section coincide so well with Senga’s return? Either way, Scott was Mets’d. Hopefully, Eppler Mets’d and not Mets’d Mets’d.
Jose Quintana – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (5 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 4.02. Quintana aired yesterday at Yankee Stadium, because of the insanely bad, dogshizz program the Yanks were throwing there. They had JD Davis (0-for-3) hitting cleanup behind Judge. I can only assume it was because Boone saw JD Martinez in the Mets lineup and got the idea.
Jeff McNeil – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. The My Buy column is going out on Patreons today, and I’m saying it now, because the hottest schmotato McNeil will be there.
Luis Gil – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners (1 BB), 6 Ks, ERA at 3.10. Not that it’s funny, but Gil, who is said to have bad control, saw his opponent, Quintana, throw five times more than that.
Jason Dominguez – You took practice to hit live. dot dot. And I looked to hide him everywhere I could. Only two months ago I was saying, “The Yanks have no place for Dominguez,” now I think he might be hitting lead off or third.
Gleyber Torres – 1-for-3 with his 9th homer. Do you target him next year in the draft, say, 225th overall? Not sure I do, tee bee aitch.
Tyler Fitzgerald – 3-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer that’s five players in five games. Gimme the Fitzies! [shaking, convulsing] I have to have him! I love him, but it’s amazing how the Giants have had a great hitter every week, but only one and it’s never been the same. Conforto called next!
Landon Knack – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.07. I don’t know what the Dodgers plan for their rotation once Kershaw and Glasnow are back, but Knack could stay. Do you want him in mixed leagues? Meh, 15 teams, sure. You can’t see it in the shallows, except in matchups.
Christian Yelich – Sounds like you are headed to IL with the recurring pain. Backs don’t get better with age. A little ball knocks down God.
Colin Rea – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.60 vs. Jameson Taillon – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.96. This was a matchup of two guys you don’t want, but are both better than the last starter on your teams.
Jon Gray – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.73. Gray is the greatest that ever—Oh, Jon? It was competing with White Sux. Streamonator hates the next one, and I don’t trust him, but I already started him in a weekly league that starts twice so wheeeeee!
Garrett Crochet – 4 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.07. He wouldn’t want to stay in White Sux.
Andrew Benintendi – 1-for-4 with his 8th homer. If anyone in your unit has picked up Benintendi, please DM them and tell them they have marbles in their heads.
Simeon Woods Richardson – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, 1 walk, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.27 vs. Zack Wheeler – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, 2.55 ERA. This combination was called, “[going around to strangers and screaming] Swheeler!”
DJ Herz – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.95, as he returns from the minors. I wonder if Herz is back with Hertz. [wavy lines, seeing my inner thoughts] Herz is at the Hertz rental car counter and the employee says, “Why do you keep writing our company name? Are you stupid?” [wavy lines, ending inner thoughts] Oh, wow.
Randy Vasquez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 1 K, ERA at 4.17. I thought you might be wondering so I went and looked at Vasquez’s peripherals and they are terrible. A very strange year for “not so good” pitchers.
Jurickson Profar – 1-for-5 with his 15th homer. The Jurick store called and we want you back! Seriously, go back already!
Luis Arraez – 1-for-5 with his 3rd homer. Arraez’s homer had an expected .280 batting average. His xBA for the year is down to a homer. Smart math!
Jordan Montgomery – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks, 6.11 ERA, as activated from IL. He continued where he left off (last year when he was honorable). If JoMo is a thing again, and I don’t know from the start, then I’m interested.
Ketel Marte – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer, 2nd homer in two games. I wonder if Corbin Carroll would sneeze at me. After drinking witch’s brew of boiled frog’s sorghum. I’m just trying to see something.
Tyler O’Neill – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 19th and 20th homers. Dreaming about Tyler O’Neill as a Rockies outfielder and thinking the reality will be a guy who will hit five homers in the first ten days, then get hurt on April 12 of his first year, and stay hurt until the end of the 7th year. of his agreement. Speaking of which…
Chris Bryant – 0-for-3, hitting .180, since activated from IL. I would say that he is back but he says that he has been suffering from lower back pain for three times.
Austin Riley – She is out on maternity leave. That puts an end to my suspicions that you forgot to make a dong.
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