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Corbin Burnes of Fantasy Baseball

I’ll take you back to the top 100 in the second half from about a month ago…[time machine spinning, you slowly growing back hair]…There, you are 20 pounds lighter–how much Taco Bell do you eat?–and you can read where I wrote, “My second start, Corbin Burnshas a sub-8.5 K/9. It is clear that he is wrong. And you are my second starter!” And I’m the one you’re quoting! My point was that no starters are safe, not even the number two starter in the dream. What I was talking about was that Burnes’ numbers looked bad all season. The Brewers were smart to move him. However, I think they could have gotten more. Yesterday, Corbin Burnes went 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 3.28 ERA, and a start before he gave up 8 ER, then 7 ER in the previous 11 IP and I think you get the point. Things have not improved for Burnes, said Mr. Obvious when he dances a jig and sees. It’s not all bad news. His pace appears to be good, and his command is almost flawless. Things don’t have to be so bad. There is light, but he was always more of a 3.50 ERA pitcher than a 2.50. Are you an ace? Well, my time machine doesn’t go on, so that’s weird. Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Trevor Rogers – Made for children. He feels like he owes the Marlins an apology. Here’s a quick timeline for those who don’t remember: Rogers was traded to the O’s; pitched badly and said he got better stats from Orioles coaches with active feedback; it continued to play poorly, and was dropped. The last time the Orioles coaches said to him, “The Marlins coaches were right, it doesn’t help.”

Hector Neris – Signed with the Astros. “With a 3-0 record and a 1.30 ERA, Hector Neris should win the World Series MVP.” “I think you’re right, John.”

Spencer Arrighetti – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.94. Sp-Arrighetti or Carbonara Burnes? Man, that’s a tough question I ask myself as I dream about carbs. It shouldn’t be close, but alas. I wish we could ask Al Dente.

Spencer Torkelson – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, the second notable game since returning five games ago from the minors (that’s what we call in the business ‘cherrypicking’). Torkelson won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but if you need an occasional homer, and maybe he’s hot, go for it.

Kenta Maeda – 5 IP, 6 ER, 6.42 ERA. Maeda’s season: Think of a horse asking to be glue.

Justin Steele – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.07. Random prediction alert! Steele will give up 5 ER in another start this year when you need him the most to throw the gem.

Miguel Amaya – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .221. Fun fact! Amaya was on The Real World: Hawaii.

Gerrit Cole – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 5 walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.72. He has no inside information (time) about Cole, but he was clearly given a situation where, “You rest and refresh and you won’t hurt yourself too much, but you won’t be 100% without surgery or surgery,” and he took this option: Five walks and two hits! Who is this pot? Every start Cole has, “the first time in his career (the worst thing), but he got it right.”

Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 21st homer, hitting .241. He’s nearly the 60th best outfielder on Player Rater, the 5th best outfielder in all 12-team leagues, but that doesn’t tell the whole story. He is also my favorite Giancarlo and my bean bag in his uniform hugs me at night.

Aaron is the judge – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 48th homer. What time did someone knock on Roger Maris Jr.’s door? he said, “Well, man, stop writing papers in your neighborhood with your plumbing business flyers about the 15% snake discount, because we need you again?”

Gavin Williams – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.13. Gavin is not having a good time.

Jason Heyward – Designed for assignment. His share is to be nine years younger.

Dominic Smith – Signed by the Reds. They certainly have a style. The Reds have never seen a corner man in the lower leagues they weren’t interested in.

Nick Lodolo – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.76. This game with the Pirates I tried to talk about how God started it. Did I do something to hurt Lodolo and he must take revenge? Are we at war?

Paul Skenes – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.16. There is no timetable for closing it. Why would there be? To save his arm? And distract Big Tendon from giving him arm surgery? What kind of ghost are you? Here’s a fun (sad) photo (from before last night’s game, obvi):

Miles Mikolas – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.19 vs. Freddy Peralta – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.86. Well, a chance for me to make my case again about changing the winning rule to give it to the pitcher who throws the most innings, regardless of when their team is leading. Giving a win to a random reliever just because his team can get a lead, while he’s in the game, is pretty stupid. Ted spoke.

Adam Duvall – 3-for-3 with his 11th homer. There may have been fewer homers yesterday than any Thursday in history. Elias Sports Bureau? “We are drunk.” That’s right.

Spencer Schwellenbach – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.94. I don’t envy the selection of “requiring innings” and “measuring a small pitcher’s arm.” It seems like teams are making the wrong choices no matter what. They should close Schwellenbach, but should they? Schweems is impossible.

Christopher Sanchez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.51. With two disastrous starts in his last five games but one complete game, I didn’t really know what to expect, so: I’ll take it!

Luis Severino – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.84 vs. Dylan Cease – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.43. The match was billed as, “Can we get a copy to stop saying ‘It’s The Ceaseverino! The Ceasemeister! Severceasino!

Jeffrey Springs – 3 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.50. If nothing else Recovery From Tommy John Surgery Month has proven, guys recover from Tommy John surgery at different rates. When Do You Fully Recover From Tommy John Surgery? Neither knows. No desk calendar will tell us! You are no help, Gregorian!

Osvaldo Bido – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.24. As I’ve said a few times this week, it’s great that I got so many A’s this week, because radiation doesn’t scare me. Contact Streamonator to go further.

Ernie Clement – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .272, 2nd homer in most games, 3rd homer in three games, 4th homer in eight games and will be in today’s Buy column . Also, he’s about 400 points higher on Player Rater than Bo Bichette. His member? I don’t, to be honest. Seriously, who?

Niko Kavadas – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his first homer. After he ran away from home, he yelled at opa and threw his bat into the fireplace. Who is Niko Kavadas? What about the Greek Embassy? No? A guy who looks like he might hit .150 with a few homers? Bleeding! [throws his stats into the fireplace]


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