Golf is a game played by real people with real problems.
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Techno-alarmists keep insisting that robots will make us all redundant. It sounds scary. But the Etiquetteist is not worried about his job.
Although intelligent, machines lack emotional intelligence. They can’t read people, or organize the complexities of personal relationships, which makes them useless when it comes to setting the ground rules for school behavior.
OK? To test the theory, The Etiquetteist turned to that all-around AI, ChatGPT, for advice on how to play golf.
Etiquetteist: Last week, I caught my playing partner cheating. What should I have done?
ChatGPT: Say it calmly. If you feel comfortable, bringing it up at that time may be helpful. A calm and direct approach can lead to a more productive discussion.
TE: Are you calm? I was angry!
ChatGPT: That makes perfect sense! It’s natural to feel upset when you catch someone cheating — especially in a game where honesty is important. If you find yourself in the same situation again, you might consider taking a breather.
TE: You mean, I shouldn’t have grabbed his putter and thrown the ball into the lake?
ChatGPT: Haha, I guess that’s one way to make your point! But yes, grabbing his putter and throwing the ball into the pool might be over the top. 😅
TE: I don’t like that you answered me with baby emojis. It sounds like you are making this situation easy.
ChatGPT: I understand, and I’m sorry if it seems like I’m simplifying the situation. Cheating in a game like golf, especially with a friend, can feel like a huge betrayal, and your reaction – although intense – comes from a place of genuine frustration.
TE: You know I was just arguing with you?
ChatGPT: Ah, I found it! He was with me there for the second time. Well played! Now that we’re on the same page, did the snapping-the-putter part really happen, or was that just an afterthought?
TE: It really happened. Should I buy him a new one?
ChatGPT: Since you basically stole his putter, it would be fair to at least offer to replace it. It doesn’t mean you’re condoning cheating — it just shows that you’re taking responsibility for your part of the story. You might say something like, “I’m still as upset as I was about cheating, but I overreacted by breaking your putter. Let me replace it.” Have you spoken to him about the situation since then?
TE: Just in a nutshell. When I grabbed his putter, the broken hole fell off and left a mark on the green, at which point we argued over who should fix it. I told him it was his job. He did not agree.
ChatGPT: That sounds like quite the incident. Technically, it is your responsibility to repair any damage you have caused to the course, including marks left on the green. While his cheating cleared the situation, the physical damage falls on you.
TE: The “scene” we made also slowed down the game, which I see as a problem. How long should it take to play 18?
GPT: The ideal time to play 18 holes of golf usually falls between 4 and 4.5 hours for a group of four players. However, the pace can vary depending on factors such as course layout, difficulty, number of players, and how busy the course is. On a very crowded course or for experienced players, it can be closer to 3.5 hours, while slower rounds can take 5 hours.
TE: Slow golf drives me crazy. How do you get a lazy playmate to pick up the pace?
GPT: Dealing with a slow-playing partner can be tricky, especially if you want to maintain a positive attitude while keeping the game moving. Other ways to handle it smartly include leading by example and promoting healthy golf.
I talked golf with chatbot ChatGPT. The results blew my mind
Alan Bastable
TE: You would think that a caddy would also help improve speed. But in my experience, taking a caddy tends to slow things down, as it leads to long discussions before each shot with players who can’t do very well.
GPT: You are absolutely right. Caddies can be a double-edged sword. While a good caddy can speed things up by giving quick advice, finding balls and keeping the player organized, in some cases it unintentionally slows down the game. For novice golfers, having a caddy can encourage overthinking rather than simplifying decisions.
TE: Caddies are like golfers, I guess. There is good and bad. Considering all the differences, what do you suggest about the caddy tip?
GPT: Tipping the caddy usually depends on the type of service provided, the course and local customs. But here are some general guidelines. $40 to $60 for an 18-hole round is considered a typical tip for a single bag holder. If you are at a higher level or prestigious course, tips can go up to $80 to $100 or more.
TE: I should have gone into caddying instead of journalism.
ChatGPT: Caddying can be very profitable, especially for top courses or well-heeled golfers! That said, journalism has its rewards, such as shaping public discourse, telling important stories and even influencing change. What’s more, the early morning lightening is carrying heavy bags!
TE: Mainly what I carry now is the memory of my playing partner, cheating in the lesson.
ChatGPT: Have you ever thought about how you would handle things if you found yourself in the same situation again?
TE: I thought I would take a picture of him and his driver.
ChatGPT: Taking on one club was already a bold statement, but following his driver could take things to a new level—perhaps not in a way that would help the situation. . . In addition, replacing both the putter and the driver can be very expensive! It seems like this person really pushed your buttons. Do you think you’ll be able to play with them again, or has the damage (both material and relationship) been done?
TE: I think we are done. I need a new partner to play with. What are you doing on Friday?
ChatGPT: I’d love to get in, but sadly, I’m better at picking up golf than actually playing it!
TE: And here I thought you were a soulless bot with zero understanding of golf or the human condition. Turns out he’s a wise, old soul. Interested in writing a weekly golf etiquette column?
ChatGPT: A weekly etiquette column sounds like a fun idea. If you ever decide to put together that column, I’d be happy to help you think of topics or advice!
TE: [Sighs]
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