I was told Alex Bregman I will not do anything again. I was told by a Samoan wearing a grass skirt and it was after taking peyote. Maybe I thought that. Wow, I’m freaking out now. Was it a dream? I was dressed as a toilet brush and told Bregman I would help clean up the mess he made on my team. No, it should have happened! Therefore, Alex Bregman (3-for-3, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homer) decided May 13th as the opening day for him. I have issues with the MLB editors, so who am I to judge? Finally, it’s time for him to go on his epic streak of 24 homers, a .260 average and five steals—Oh my God, he’s boring! Why did you draw him to begin with? Shame on you! After this two-homer night, sell like you have pictures and you’re on QVC! If you can find anything, spray Breg-B-Gone on your team and find what you can. Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jung Hoo Lee – Dealing with a dislocated shoulder. It is said, he may miss the entire season. How bad was his shoulder dislocated? Is his shoulder not included in Waze? Damn, my dream team, Josh Jung Hoo Lee, damn it.
Luis Matos – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his first homer. Oh, you do one of those tricks, huh? Where are you better at majors than minors? Matos has speed and power, and now he may have a job for the foreseeable future (if he hits). It is suitable for monocle in shallow leagues, and holds in deep.
Mookie Betts – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 7th homer, hitting .341. Mookie Best!
Sean Manaea – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.05. I’m not even sure he’s a Streamonator call; I think he’s just a “build and start 85% of the time” guy.
Edwin Diaz – 1 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.24. This year he’s coming out of the barn playing painful trombones. I don’t talk much about closers when they’re going well, and, well, Diaz wasn’t. He’s not much higher than 200 on Player Rater.
Christopher Sanchez – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.43. More like Snoozechez! He tore open and ate his entrails! No? That’s right.
Bryson Stott – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .277, hitting over .400 in May, and raising his average from .210 in about two weeks. Stott’s story!
Austin Hays – Configured in IL. UO took down Kjerstad with a parallel move. Trade Hays, Santander and Kimbrel for Jhoan Duran, like, yesterday. Oh, twins won’t do that? No, why do the Twins need two real bats in their lineup.
Adley Rutschman – 2-for-4 with his 7th and 8th homers. You proved me wrong! I’m kidding. I was only wrong twice in my life. One had a little something with Delino DeShields Jr. and the second had a little something with Josh Rutledge. All other errors are rounding errors. It’s like when you call the bank and beg them to cash a bounced check, because you just deposited three dollars and sixty-four cents without knowing how much a nacho would cost and you had a date again, c. ‘Mon, do me a little, Jack!
Jose Berrios – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.82 vs. Corbin Burnes – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.68. I’m going to sound like a loon, but against a strong lineup, Berrios looks better than Burnes. I watched the whole beginning and you can’t convince me otherwise.
Daulton Varsho – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Varsho leads the Jays in homers by almost twice as much as the next guy, and he has just one more homer than Cedric Mullins.
TJ Friedl – Hit IL with a broken thumb. Reds said his thumb was fine on Sunday, so I bought him a lot in my leagues, I won, and now his thumb is broken. I need an ambulance!
Adbert Alzolay – Hit IL with “let’s be honest, this is 100% useless shizz.” The schedule is not as clear as when you wake up without contacts.
Shota Imanaga – 5 IP, 0 ER, 10 baserunners (3 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA at 0.96. This isn’t a shot at Shota, because Mark Prior, Kerry Wood and Yu Darvish are all out, but this start by him – not an iffy order – was more than I expected from him this year. As I talk about the upcoming podcast later today, I wonder if MLB hitters need time to see his pitches before adjusting to their anger.
Reynaldo Lopez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.34. Please pray for my socks that don’t match my general mental health when the Regression Fairies come to call me beginners. I mean, I like Reynaldo, but is he a 1.34 ERA pitcher? Hmm…Guessing no!
AJ Minter – 1 IP, 0 ER, 3.57 ERA, as he picked up his second save in two games, and converted this one for his 1st save. Raisel, sadly, was last seen on America’s Most Unwanted Closers. He was running away from the “Losing a no hitter.” It’s also possible that you worked a lot on Friday and Saturday and needed a break? I honestly don’t know. I did that thing where you said, “Here is the church, here is the foundation” and I opened my hands and said, “Raisel?” And there was no answer.
Nolan Arenado – 1-for-5, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. I bought this book, “How To Identify When A Hitter Is Over-The-Hill.” Here, I want to show you. It’s over with this open window–NOOOOO!!! The Torenado!
Kevin Pillar – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 3rd homer last week. Hot schmotato alert!
Jose Soriano – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.72. All Angels snares do is string you up. They are the proverbial pair in the hole.
Joc Pederson – 2-for-5 with his 5th homer. I used to think a homer from him made him a quick schmotato, but now I think he’s a platoon player who might not play today.
Gabriel Moreno – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his first homer. The only regulars not injured or sent down without a homer were: Chas McCormick and Colt Keith. The smart money is on Chas who is always right and last on the homer.
Alexis Diaz – 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 6.75, and a hit save. He doesn’t seem to know where the ball is going. He beat Lourdes Gurriel Jr. in the ribs at one point, and Gurriel was five miles away from Tony Roma.
Jurickson Profar – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Keep doubting him and all he does is hit you. The Jurickson store will call for you.
Xander Bogaerts – 1-for-4 with his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Mr. April appeared last month.
Jackson Merrill – 2-for-3 with his 3rd homer, three hits and two steals on Sunday. It’s not everything, but it’s more than what Wyatt Langford or Evan Carter did!
Jalen Beeks – 1 IP, 0 ER, zero hits, 3 walks, zero Ks, 2.21 ERA, and his 4th save, with four saves in May, while Justin Lawrence worked his 7th and 8th. Five ladies and gentlemen, your nearest Rockies, Mr. Beeks, as he and Justin have been trading posts.
Brady Singer – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.84. I’ll never resist a guy, but a little pushback from a guy I don’t have a place for? That is not against the rules.
Luke Raley – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (2) and walks (2). I’m not going to lie, I forgot what team he was on. Like Luke Raley-heard-from! Boom! Announced! No? That’s right.
France – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. French fly!
Rhys Hoskins – I left yesterday’s game with a muscle injury, but I left the field, and I am Dr. Of watching Replays, so he will be fine after 15 days in IL.
Jake Bauers – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .244. I would have done well to write Bauers as Chourio. Excuse me, I’m going to get into traffic.
Jack Suwinski – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. It’s crazy how low the expectations have been for Suwinski this year and he’s managed to get under them so far.
Bryan Reynolds – 5-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. It was probably the opening lede, but he is more boring than Bregman!
Mitch Keller – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.93. How does this phrase go? April’s tempering of the Obers and Kellers, brings May who screams for blood.
Tanner Bibee – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.34. Still the City of Bleh, and he owes his assistant, Sandlin, an engraved mug that reads, “You’re the Best!” getting him out with zero earned runs. Bibee’s fastball produces a .429 BAA, which is frankly ridiculous.
Michael Lorenzen – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 4 walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.75. Funny: Turn yourself into a pretzel, twist your mind that Bibee isn’t that bad, and then his opponent, found in 98% of the leagues, keeps outplaying him, and you’re like, “Meh, I don’t want him.”
Matt Manning – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.37. Streamonator loved this, hated the next, so: Long time, goodbye. Unless you’re in a weekly league, good luck!
Spencer Torkelson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his second homer, 2nd homer in as many games. Sung like The Fat Boys, “The Man of Tongathi is back! And he knows he won’t even be a victim (like back in April).
Cutter Crawford – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.24. Any striker who doesn’t perform well on Monday is a bad person because I’ll be cursing them until Saturday or Sunday when they hit the weekly leagues again. They can redeem themselves, but the stress between now and now pays off.
Tyler O’Neill – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. He was starting to worry, he was still seeing cartoon cuckoo-clock birds on his head from the concussion, but this is a good sign.
Giancarlo Stanton – As many of you have heard, Statcast has released a bunch of new stats, and Giancarlo is King of Statcast again. Because he is daddy, I asked him for fast swings. Thank you, dad. There is a good start to the new statistics. The key takeaway (not related to Hisanori Takahashi), is that these stats are fun to play with but work a little on their own, ie, Shohei Ohtani and Javier Baez both swing their bats at the same speed. Very different results. It’s like Garrett Crochet and Dylan Cease both throw 97 MPH on average. Besides, they both have accounts that witness how bad White Sux is, their similarities don’t have much overlap. To get real gems, it will take a combination like 75+ MPH bat speed, a 35% square off average and a 15% explosive rate and who is left? Juan Soto.
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