The draft took place during the current All-Star break, meaning most of the blurbs looked like this:
Any Player was drafted in Any Round.
We can say with absolute certainty that the Player will be nothing but the bench of Anyone Who Cares.
Source: Rotoamageddon
I’m not a rapist of any game, and I have no hate for anyone who is caught up in similar events where people’s names are announced with a lot of applause. I’d like to think that these Draft Heads attend events like Phish concerts and have a library of the “In Memoriam” section of the Academy Awards on 4K blue ray. There’s a great moment at the beginning of the Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode featuring “Boggy Creek 2: The Adventure Continues, where a cheering college football crowd is accompanied by Crow T. Robot’s declaration: “We’ve attached our egos. to you!”
While there is judgment in that riff, it really underscores the passion surrounding the NFL draft, and maybe basketball and some baseball drafts eventually. When we all became aware of the narrative of the “Three Seasons” of North American professional sports teams (season, playoffs, draft), I think most of us noticed the vibe going on. All the major leagues want you to be a Sports Dad, and the players to be their more talented offspring are not only respected, but also staked in unreasonable expectations.
Any professional athlete is a point of guesswork for someone’s life. When one gets the big win in life, watching Shohei Ohtani destroy modern baseball with every swing adds to the joy. When you’re dealing with a loss, no matter how insignificant, watching Corbin Carroll struggle this year is too painful to bear. Even without the bad frame of gambling in every visage portal in our fingers of Sports Eyeballs, we are all Sports Fathers who deal with the Object of Rooting’s triumphs and downfalls.
Again without judgment, I can say unequivocally that this is an unhealthy relationship. That’s why players get DM’s from fans and legendary players with the simple acronym KYS, which I don’t think is a lot of fluff for the past many months. I believe I’ve said it before, but no one should be victimized for playing a dumb game, regardless of the level of paid play. Save your ramblings and whining for corporations and politicians. If you’re in the salary scam business, post your salary on any social media site you’re involved with and ask again why you’re wasting time projecting your insecurities and despair on strangers who have been offered money and accepted the offer.
A minor league baseball contract is like winning the lottery, only it’s a lottery you’ve spent years working on, plucking numbers from the results to change your luck. I’ve never worked hard enough to win the lottery, or now that I’m a stay-at-home-dad and filling out applications for my second round of grad school while freelance writing (please hire me to write and/or edit pieces for you, I promise I have great powers of brevity and insight if I’m not authorizing on purpose bloated blogs and labyrinthine (I can also tell if we need a Dr. Thesaurus page, since I’ve probably used the word “labyrinthine” more in my years of writing Blurbstomp than I’ve used the word “maybe,” maybe)) I can say that I may never work too hard. in my life.
Finally, I feel sorry for the people who are doing their jobs on the last frontier of baseball scouting. I’m sure you’ve done a little bit of scouting for preschoolers, but we’re pretty close to teams recruiting scouts for backyard wiffle ball. This is a bleak statement, but I may finally have my chance in professional sports. My whiffle breaks knees and humiliates children.
And with that, on to the blurb!
Blurbstomp reminder
We will analyze player blurbs on a given night, knowing that 1-2 writers are usually responsible for all player writing posted within an hour of game results. We will look at:
Boy Scout’s Flowery Diction A badge– exploring how words create meaning, sometimes destroy meaning altogether
Mathematical Participation Ribbon – Multiple Ratings and Attributes in a given blurb
Stephen A. Smith IMG_4346.jpeg Award – Given a glimpse of a player who promises too much and delivers too little.
Bob Nightengale Memorial Plaque – blurbs don’t always need to be heard, friend
The Max Scherzer Crown of Leaking Insane Rage – slurred words angry at the player are not good
The hope is that by the end of the season, we’ll all feel more confident about our player evaluations when it comes to giving up. We will read the blurbs and be swayed by extreme speculation, erroneous injury reporting, and micro-hype. I’ll know I’ve done my job when Gray posts and there isn’t a single question about the contributors in the comment section. Proceed to Roto Wokeness!
Bob Nightengale Memorial Plaque
The Rockies released RHP Tyler Danish.
Danish was cut earlier this week after posting a stratospheric 7.71 ERA, 2.32 WHIP and 26/31 K/BB average in 39 2/3 innings (11 appearances, 10 starts) in the Triple -A Albuquerque in the Pacific Coast League. The 29-year-old former second-round pick in the 2013 MLB Draft made 32 appearances for the Red Sox in the 2022 season.
Source: Rotoworld
Everyone feels helpless and hopeless at times. I don’t think there is a word to describe the feeling I get when I read the blurb about the Colorado Rockies cutting pitchers on their roster. The fog of war settles on the page, and I glance over to finally find information I already knew to be true: The Rockies will field a league-average pitching staff twice in a given century, at least until Dick Monfort finally sells the team (for a huge profit after crying poor for years).
There will be a bad wave of miscalculations in the form of Daniel Bard or German Marquez, but for the most part, you’re riding the surf full of Taki’s bag lazily bathing in the water.
The Rockies have eaten up their scouting and metrics departments over the past 1-2 seasons, all the while drafting players and promising to be improved by a coaching staff that has helped produce strong talent like Kyle Freeland and Gil Truthworld, and Gordy Bravehome.
Cutting through the Rockies will be like fishermen coming back to your home and dumping the contents of your front lawn while claiming that your trash has no place in the city’s sanctuary.
It doesn’t make sense.
Boy Scouts Flowery Diction Badge
Athletics released BY Lazaro Armenteros.
Armenteros received a $3 million signing bonus as an international free agent back in 2016 and didn’t end up in Oakland. The 25-year-old was waived off the 40-man roster by the Athletics in early May and is now completely cut after posting a .681 OPS with three homers and 14 steals in 58 games this season among the Triple-A Las . Vegas and Double-A Midland. There is a chance he will get a chance elsewhere in the coming weeks.
Source: Rotoworld
I don’t even understand the least amount of Sary Shaming that is implied. He got a signing bonus because those were the rules, and Oakland thought he might develop into an exciting player. Throwing a player’s history into a blur that may be that player’s final blur makes sense, but even mentioning his signing bonus when he passed seems to imply that he stole the organization’s money by not living up to expectations when he was signed as a…let’s see…as a 16-year-old? When I was 16 years old people could have paid me $3 million to develop talent in a chosen field, and I would have refused. After all, I’m a better person than you – I’m kidding, I could take 3 million and throw it in a savings account and throw a bowling and pizza party, because my dream is still that Central New. Party place for York fever!
Beating a dead horse, you give someone a contract with the hope that they will do the job they are paid for. A contract is not a guarantee of perfection, it is an outline of expectations. Hope and entitlement are two different concepts, but in sports fandom they combine into an unrecognizably hateful combination of weapons. Some people really like to yell at the athletes and pretend it’s the person sitting next to them. I like to do weird things too! We’re all crazy when you think about it.
Stephen A. Smith IMG_4346.jpeg Award
Ketel Marte will lead Diamondbacks coach Torey Lovullo on the NL All-Star roster.
It’s a safe option, though Shohei Ohtani is there, and Trea Turner and Christian Walker are also likely better options. Marte will be followed by Ohtani, Turner, Bryce Harper, William Contreras, Yelich, Alex Bohm, Teoscar Hernández and Jurickson Profar.
Source: Rotoworld
There are no safe options when building an All-Star game plan, because:
- The All-Star Game, adjusting the roster of players from teams you don’t manage, in a game where you’re only guaranteed to play half the game, rolling the dice.
- Even in normal times, managers make indefensible crazy decisions. Perhaps we are still a season away from micro-platoons. Platoons: Day or night games, innings, national broadcasts, and throwback jersey nights. We are very close to teams with 100 man rosters, and all offensive players are treated like LOOGYS.
This is Rocco’s Modern Life, after all. Like that show, baseball makes as much sense as it needs to while finding new ways to stay fresh on the margins. My only hope is that it slowly morphs into Calvinball, loses its money-making power, and returns to its roots of kids playing in the sand while their drunk Sports Dads fistfight in the parking lot over hit batters.
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