Chris Sale (7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.79) is a Hall of Famer. Yes or no? Don’t think about it. There is no Google. Say your silence out loud so only you can hear it. What did you say? Yes? Then you are right. If you said no, you are wrong. His career stats are ridiculous compared to his peers. I know, they won’t reach any great milestones, but we need new milestones for starters. Can you find new milestones for dealers and players, but still want to win for beginners? It doesn’t happen. Do you want more innings? Sorry. No. Hitting may not happen. At least the big gaudy numbers. 3,000 hits are also possible. Always. Anyway, Chris Sale was robbed of many innings, due to injury, but he is back to being an ace this year. Good for him, I hope one day to see him in Cooperstown, where I’m going to do a TV interview like Bud Selig, telling everyone that Bonds needs to be inducted. Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Luis Robert Jr. – 2-for-3 with his 8th homer. Well, boys can do anything. But it was only yesterday that during his home run he had the roll-top desk out to second base and took calls from his agent who was on the phone with the White Sox’s trade partners. Trade him anywhere, but don’t take phone calls on 2nd base. With a rotary phone!
Javier Assad – Hit the IL with the weight of the front arm. I wonder how many bad starts I got from him in my team when this bothered him. Three? Four?
Shota Imanaga – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.07. MLB goes like this for guys who dominate right out of the gate: A guy dominates, the league takes him out, and, if the guy is good, he figures out how to come back and dominate again. We’re waiting to see if Shota can improve, or if he’s even close to what we thought before the season. A solid enough starter for a legend (a #3? #4?), but not good for all matchups. Another guy in the Cubs/Giants game that the league saw recently was Heliot Ramos, and we’re waiting to see if he can adjust.
Nico Hoerner – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and a slam (3) and walks (14). It’s not as bad as I think he broke his hand.
Ian Happ – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .228. His contact really went down the toilet and no one is driving.
Porter Hodge – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.80 and Cubs save. Counsell now wiggles his nose and makes a release to save.
Jordan Hicks – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.36. Hicks or Shota? Kalula Shota two weeks ago. Now? Yes, still Shota, but simply?
Noelvi Marte – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 1 RBI and his first steal, as active since Do Not Enter This List. I gave you the fantasy of Noelvi Marte already. Pretend to read the shizz I write.
Spencer Steer – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. When it’s hot, and Cincy is wet, I’m taking this bus to the moon, Alice!
Andrew Abbott – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (6 BBs), 2 Ks, ERA at 3.41. I benched Abbott to start Mikolas. A smiling emoji that climbs out of a plane and parachutes and forgets its parachute on purpose.
Miles Mikolas – 4 1/3 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 5.32. That is soul wasting. Racking up a safe start to the month – 2.49 ERA previously in June. I feel bad. Fantasy Baseball: When you want more stress in your life.
Nolan Arenado – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Hi, I just got my DNA test results and it says I am 1% LeBron James to play for the Lakers. Here, it’s over with this open window–NOOOOO!!! The Torenado!
Jack Flaherty – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.24. This start was against the Angels. Well, I’m in hell.
Luis Rengifo – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. The Angels’ roster reads, “15-team mixed, 10-team mixed, 10-team mixed, AL-Only, AL-Only, 12-team mixed, 15-team mixed, waivers , AL-Only.” Obviously AL-Only guys shouldn’t be in the middle of the list.
Davis Daniel – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks in his MLB debut. Fun fact! The Tigers called him Damn Daniel! Last night’s start was proof that Triple-A is better than the Tigers. In fairness, PCL is a beeyatch for peeyatchers. It’s funny and of all the big name starters that come up with a relative unknown Davis Daniel is the best. He has good command, but has struggled with arm issues. Maybe he can whip up a few good starts. I’m not confident enough in mixed or shallow 12 leagues.
Spencer Turnbull – He will miss 6-8 weeks with a lat strain. Damn, my jinx powers are stronger than I thought. Don’t get me wrong, man.
Zack Wheeler – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.73. Before his start against the Marlins I was looking at FanDuel to see if I could bet on him throwing a perfect game. Fortunately, I didn’t get that option.
Bryce Harper – 1-for-5, 1 RBI and left with what looked like a two-to-three week hamstring injury. I hope I’m wrong, but I’m one of the best “watch TV” doctors.
Jake Burger – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Jokes aside (were there any jokes?), Burger is in for a hot two-to-three week season. Maybe as a fill in for Bryce?
Trevor Rogers – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.87. Streamonator won’t like him, and I won’t pick any Marlins pitcher. They are like the Rockies at this point, players who are not grata.
Jose Berrios – 7 IP, 2 ER, 2 hits, 3 BBs, 8 Ks, 3.38 ERA. Sonavabench! Oh well. I will assume that we have a bench on the drubbing that would have happened vs. Yanks if I start him.
George Springer – 3-for-3, 6 RBIs and his 7th and 8th homers, 3rd homer in two games. Damn, he must have had the uppers made for Biden. This is Springer’s most unlikely heater. Maybe the old dog has a few tricks up his sleeve. I wouldn’t count on it though. Think this looked like the Yanks didn’t succeed culturally.
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, and 3rd homer in four games. Great to see Cake Batter back. Bo Pieceofchette? It’s terrible!
Carlos Rodon – 5 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 4.42. He had a 2.93 ERA in his last three starts! Holy crap.
Michael Wacha – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners 6 Ks, ERA at 3.91. Like I said the last time he pitched, he could have a Seth Lugo type of two months running through him. That’s me summing it up!
Ben Lively – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.03. He has been running the Lugo brand for two months.
Matthew Boyd – Signed by guardians. Here comes the Fanboyds.
Cedric Mullins – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, and 2nd time in two days saying he’s been hot all month. He won’t be in the Buy column this afternoon, because I think he’s signed up in too many leagues, but if he’s available, grab him.
Adley Rutschman – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .300. Since I pointed out in April (May?) that Adley was not as good as advertised, she was better than advertised. He left yesterday’s game with his hand wrapped in ice, but the O’s looked worried.
Heston Kjerstad – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his first homer. Finally, they benched Colton Cowser– Oh wait, he went 2-for-4, 2 runs and hit his 11th homer and 2nd homer in two games. A rich man pays a sky writer to write above Camden, “Trade Santander for a pitcher.”
Adolis Garcia – 1-for-4 with his 15th homer, hitting .219, but his 2nd homer in four games. Hot as the weather, baby! Hello!
Jon Gray – 5 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 3.77. No one gives up more 8 ER games than Jon Gray. Goes into 2nd place next pitcher.
Jordan Montgomery – 2 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 6.03 ERA, and four more earned runs. Holy ticker shock! Stop being afraid of the box, Batman! JoMo? During Pride Month? It’s a shame! Do you know when to think about dumping a guy? When you go around your leagues you pray you don’t start that guy – once a week. I had him sitting on the bench everywhere, but the fear I had before looking at it. Then I double check to make sure I didn’t misread it by mistake. JoMo, you’re hurting me, BroBro. In case it’s not clear, you can’t start JoMo no mo’.
Ketel Marte – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 17th homer, 2nd homer in three games, and he almost missed the 2nd homer yesterday. Football is dead, they say. Flat lips, raspberries, nothing there. Batting stinks this season. Forget it, Jake, it’s the Chinatown of hit seasons. Currently, Ketel Marte is Barry Bonds.
Carlos Correa – He was hit on the wrist and there seemed to be a lot of pain, but the x-rays were negative. The writing on the wall was about Brooks Lee being called, but it was invisible ink, methinks. I can see he’s hiding him, but the Twins writer wasn’t Brooks Lee coming.
Byron Buxton – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 3rd homer in four games. Have you ever seen bubble waffles? Chalk up Buxton to that beat between games. There’s no way this doesn’t end with an injury next week.
David Festa – 5 IP, 5 ER in his first MLB start. David Party Karamu Festa looked good in the first three innings, and, while his name conjures up an all-night party, it was the slogan. A party like when you’re 13 and you’re taken to your cousin’s house, but they’re 7 years old, and your mom is like, “Your Aunt Margaret is having a party. It will be fun, you can hang out with your Cousin Jeffrey. He’s mature for his age,” but he’s not, he’s just an idiot.
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