“Very well, where do I start?” My father was a self-proclaimed boulangerie owner from Belgium with mild narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen-year-old French prostitute named Chloe with stringy feet. My father would pretend to be a woman, drink, make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. He sometimes accused chestnuts of being lazy, the kind of malaise common only to geniuses and the lamentation of a lunatic. My childhood was normal, summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring, we made meatloaf. When I was defiant, I was put in a burlap bag and beaten with a cane, really good quality. In the evenings, we watched the New York Yankees. A little fun laced with stripes where Chuck Knoblauch makes an amazing play. Thankfully, it was very rare. Chuck split his time between the New Yorkers and the Minnesota Twins, until he went crazy with the yips and threw all the balls meant for the first baseman to the hot dog vendor, Clyde, in the front row of old Yankee Stadium. Yesterday, you remind me of my youth, Herr Clark Schmidt (8 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.49) beat those Minnesotans as he has done countless times this year. One can pick a pun and say his Schmidt doesn’t smell, but isn’t that colorless in today’s divided society where we yearn for a better Gram? His best pitch is a knuckle bender, which was a euphemism I used for shower time during puberty. His curveball produces a .185 BAA; mine produced many balls in play. Her cutter is bleh, but the sweeper is perfect, just like my first school crush, Hildegarde. She later turned out to be a cool character as Witch Hazel, let’s hope her broomstick shines for a long time. His ability to attract weak contact is where his success comes from. Yes, there and his German heritage, it’s possible. Of course, he should be registered in every fantasy league. Her splendor is matched only by her diminutive aprons.” That was a quote from Dr. Evil from a long piece he did on MLB dot com. Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Anthony Volpe – 2-for-5 with his 6th homer, hitting .273. Homeboy had a slam and legs in the third inning. That’s someone who made the offense all year in the top 25. Someone willing to lift my blink and whisper under my eyelids, “You know you want some of this.” Don’t put my eyelids down yet, your warm breath warms me. By the way, I listen with my ears and see with my eyes. Guofy guy, lifting my eyelashes to talk to me. I introduced Anthony Volpe, when we should have introduced him. He was great last year as a rookie. Isn’t that funny? Volpe went 20/20 already in the majors and we all wrote Wyatt Langford ahead of him. It says something about human nature, what you say. We all seek the unknown more than the venerable known. Together, we can change human nature. Take my hand, and we will do it together. Metaphorically! Don’t touch my hand! Do you eat molluscs for a living? Jesus, I’ve never felt such stinging hands before.
Joe Ryan – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.57. Look at this guy, big Harry Callahan fan, huh? Magnum Force was a great movie and I can see why you have a 3.57 ERA in honor of the gun he used, but, according to Quora, Clint was famous for using the .44 Magnum, so raise your ERA to 4.44 or lower to be 2.44 because if he points to two. Geez, Joe Ryan, you put buffoonery on the movie buff.
Nico Hoerner – Missed his third straight game with a hamstring strain. Oh, yes, I know how this plays. The Cubs said he will be there for Friday’s game; I put him on my dream list from Friday to Sunday; it locks, then hits IL.
Justin Steele – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.68. When will Justin Steele be shut down so we can hear he needs elbow surgery?
Ian Happ – 1-for-4 with his second homer. “This comes at a very good time, for I have just lost my terror of prairie dogs—Hold on! Happ removed! He is alive!”
Nick Gonzales – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer, and second homer in three games. He won’t be in the Buy column this afternoon, because he’s here now and he was a hot schmotato. For those wondering who you are, you were once the first pick in 2020 – What year? 2020? I’ve never heard of it. – and Itch had this to say at one point, “Early season, an increase in desert power during the pandemic-shortened 2020 NCAA season propelled Gonzales up draft boards at 7th overall. It wasn’t all smoke and mirrors by any means. A guy with hand speed and communication should carry better beat than he’s had so far in his career. With my hand speed, I’ll beat Gray.” Hello!
Edward Olivares – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. See you in five games!
Jared Jones – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.89. When your “iffy” starts, does it start like this? Jared Jones, you are my father. [knocks on door of Jones’s hotel room] I’m here to collect past due child support!
Trea Turner – Go through agility drills. Wow, you’re taking this Treat Urner nickname seriously. Have you thrown cones, then paused and played dead?
Taijuan Walker – 3 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 4.91 ERA. He faced his old team, the Mets, the last team he was good for. He hasn’t played for the Mets in two years. Wink, wink, wink, kazoo, Walker hasn’t been this good in two years.
Jose Quintana – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.21. Streamonator hates him; his numbers look bad; get a different die roll.
Pete Alonso – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 10th homer, hitting .226. Albombso!
Edwin Diaz – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.57, and one save. It’s no joy to report that the World Baseball Classic has ruined Edwin Diaz for good.
Josh Lowe – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his second homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Lowe was great last year in just 466 ABs. Maybe he doesn’t get 350 ABs this year, but there’s still a chance that Lowe is pretty good. I believe in long walks at sea, Stephen Vogt and Lowe in limited bats.
Zack Littell – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.44. Frequent commenter PK last quoted Littell saying, “The mouse told me to look at Zack Littell’s Wikipedia page. His middle name is Stuart. Zack Stuart Littell.”
Rafael Devers – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Devers delivers!
Jarren Duran – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, hitting .272. Duran was the third-best player in all major leagues. Duran’s is not plural and different from Duran Duran. That would be funny if someone younger than us – basically most people – would see Duran Duran and call them, The Durans.
Cooper Criswell – 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.76. Regression Fairies Hungry Like a Wolf! Sorry, after the last fade, I’m wearing them.
Is Benson – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in three games, and 2nd homer since TJ Friedl hit IL, ie, Benson got the job, that is, long live Robert Guillaume.
Elly De La Cruz – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 1 RBI and 4 steals (27, 28, 29, 30). Holy lunatic, he will steal a hundred. The good thing about Elly is that you don’t put him on my list, he fights every team in your league for steals, except the team he is on. They have already conquered the industry.
Emmett Sheehan – The Dodgers reported that he had Tommy John surgery earlier this week as if he was at the doctor and what happened.
Cristian Javier – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.23. You know when you start Cristian Javier next time he will crush you with a finishing move called The Michael King.
Joey Loperfido – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his first homer, hitting 9. He won’t be at Buy This Afternoon, but maybe he’s seen something or it’s about to get hot, but he’s done little so far in the majors.
Roansy Contreras – Sold to the Angels. They have starter after starter after starter that should be good, yet is terrible. Roansy will fit in perfectly!
Luis Rengifo – Configured in IL. Thank you for coming back soon, my perfect Karma Sutra boy for the merit of the position.
Ronald Acuña Jr. – It was revealed that he had gone out on Wednesday to wash his head. He was stressed, Snitker said, and Acuña needed to “detox.” Hopefully, it’s better for her than Amanda Bynes, Jeff Conaway, Dr. Dre, Chyna–Maybe we shouldn’t say she should have taken the poison?
Source link
