Put me in Mayo and call me tuna fish! Put me to bed at Hellmann’s and tell me what circle I’m in! Throw a crumpled piece of paper in the wastebasket and call me Coby! From your mouth to my ears, please tell me to read correctly that the O’s are calling Coby Mayo. I did? Oh, I’m a very nice boy, I am! Thank you, Father Duke! The important question: Hellmann’s, Miracle Whip, Kewpie, Duke’s or Coby? So, Coby Mayo has the potential to be. Looks like a 40-homer power hitter in most parks, prolly 3o-ish homers in Camden. Maybe they can call again next year. I am not exaggerating when I say that I will not be shocked if he wakes up for a week or two or platoons. There is a real possibility that the O’s want to keep hitters under the rookie limit in order to win them an extra pick next year if they win Rookie of the Year. It’s a remote possibility, but I want to give it to you. Because of that, I was holding him everywhere. Mayo might be the power difference maker along with that BLT. Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Vinnie Pasquantino – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 13th and 14th homers. Hello, this is Vinnie Pasketti and my best friend, Al Dente. Hello, tell people what you want to see? [Al stares straight ahead] Wait, everyone, Al Dente might not be ready yet. [throws Al Dente against a wall and he sticks] Geez, can you look at that? He certainly seemed fine. Well, guess what, everyone, I’m Vinnie Pasketti and I’m going to be your big hitter tonight. Say hello to me. Hey, if you freakin’ said hi, I’m Pasketti, I don’t have ears. Okay, last night I hit two homers, hey oh, women enjoy this, I’m told. Would you like to check that out? It’s time to add the sauce. I’m Vinnie Pasketti and I’m out. So, Vinnie Pasquantino hit two more homers last night, after he hit one last night when I said something like, he was the weakest noodle Pasketti I’ve ever seen. Today doesn’t make him magically better, but his Statcast is much better than I expected and he has an unfortunate run game in some parks. What’s even sadder is that his park is the same. He has 12 homers in KC but 21 as a Yankee. Thankfully, he would have had 8 HRs if he had been a Red Sox player. Vinnie is a pull lefty who hits every fly ball that is about “what’s a double on the field I’m in.” If you’re hungry for quality communication but not massive power, the Pasketti will fill you up.
Seth Lugo – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.57. If Seth Lugo gets the Cy Young votes, I’m going to cry a lot.
Bobby Witt Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer. He is hitting thirty-five. It’s not a mistake. He is hitting .350.
Jose Ramirez – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 28th homer. We don’t look after the security guards enough. Yesterday, there were no open games, but the Olympics are again, I opened, I went out like Gil Scott Heron. I’m the only one who didn’t get out of society, I got out of The Matrix. I began to see clearly. No more blue dot matrix numbers on my screen. The IO’s disappeared and all that remained were the Guards who were strangely beautiful, a brother and five ladies. List from top to bottom: Steven Kwan (2-for-5, 1 run), is Simone Biles with a spap-bat; JoJoRam is Simone Biles with a power bat; Bo Naylor (1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer) is Biles and his brother, Josh (2-for-3, 2 runs), and David Fry (1-for -5, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer ) by Simone Biles if he wasn’t 4’8″, playing baseball and being a hitter because of his ability to catch. Then:
Ben Lively 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.42. She showed why she is the Simone Biles of honest beginners. On a team where I have Gerrit Cole, Robbie Ray, Bryan Bello, Clayton Kershaw, and Jose Berrios, Lively is the most loyal to me. Like these Riddler pajamas I’m wearing, I see question marks for Lively — he’s 32, has 7.7 K/9 and 2.6 BB/9, fly-ball technique — but what works here is limiting hard contact with three quality pitches. and five in all. Is Lively the Biles of all pots? I’m not sure she’s the number four Simone Biles, but what she’s doing is working.
Tanner Bibee – First laid back due to shoulder pain. Hello, darkness, my old friend. On a related note, I watched a two-part, three-hour Paul Simon doc the other day, and the open contempt he and Garfunkel have for each other is pretty funny. Paul says, “I don’t care if I see him again.” I cried. As for Bibee, this sounds like extreme caution, but we’ll see.
Trevor Rogers – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.76. The Baltimore-based Braintrust watched as Rogers proposed, nodding, “Yeah, great, subtraction by addition.”
Anthony Santander – 1-for-4 with his 32nd homer. I just noticed something out of control yesterday. Good team, right? Yes, they are. It is not a question of strategy. Their top guy on Player Rater? Gunnar Henderson, obviously. But #2? Probably just Santander.
Christian Pache – Designed for assignment by the Orioles. A few days ago, the O’s traded Austin Hays for Seranthony and Pache. The Phils traded for Seranthony and “we’ll give you Seranthony for Hays if you take Pache, we can’t stand the thought of hurting his feelings and DFAing him.”
Heston Kjerstad – Made for children. The O’s Triple-A team will beat the White Sox in a best-of-seven series.
Paul Goldschmidt – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 17th homer. Oh Shizz!
Masyn Winn – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, 2nd homer in three games. Fun fact! He passes the I and Y to Masin Wynn and it’s YI got that crazy shizz at The Wynn.
Sonny Gray – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.72. Former commentator, VinWins, mentioned yesterday that the Cubs have more losing streaks in a game that has produced the highest 100 starts than any other team. An amazing act of emptiness when you think White Sux exists. The Cubs are not a very good team.
Ryan Helsley – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.70. He was strong this year, shame he had to do this giant when my man Gray was gearing up! Is it me or does Sonny Gray not have more decisions than anyone in the last two years?
Cody Bellinger – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 11th homer, hitting .280, and 2nd homer in three games. He tied JRod with 11 homers. Okay, I need to stop with that. I still love JRod, but he really hurt me this year.
Seiya Suzuki – 2-for-4 with his 16th homer, hitting .273. Football!
Shota Imanaga – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.09. In March, we were worried about his command. He has a 1.3 BB/9.
Jake Burger – 2-for-3, 1 RBI. The Marlins are a mess, but I regret to inform you, the burger was hot. It is estimated at 135-in to medium irregularity. He should be in today’s Buy column, will he be there? No, you’re here right now.
Max Meyer – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.81. The Marlins sent Meyer down earlier this year to stop his arbitration clock. Now, he’s back with the weed behind him, but for how long? Good question. I was just locking him up. I’m not sure why he throws.
Orlando Arcia – 1-for-3 with his 10th homer, and 3rd homer since Sunday. A schmotato that should be in today’s Buy column, but I don’t think it is. Sue me with my 1978 O-Pee-Chee set!
Austin Riley – 1-for-4 with his 15th homer, and second homer in five games. Oh man, you must be hotter than that! Like this guy:
Matt Olson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, and 3rd homer in two games. You know what’s funny about Olson’s hotness now? All his owners are already playing good football.
Charlie Morton – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.94. Yes, it was against the MIA Marlins.
Grant Holmes – It will start on Saturday at the Braves vs. the Marlins. To find the Holmes information on the site, I had to go back to Prospector Geoff in 2018! He said, “If you like mops of ginger hair, and center twists, boy do I have hope for you! Student meets Grant Holmes! An interesting profile, but a frustrating talent, Holmes misses bats on a per-inning basis, but is very hittable, especially if he stays in center field regularly. Fastball command is an issue, if he can take a step forward in 2018 in that department it would be a lethal combination with his plus curveball. Holmes isn’t a player I’m chasing in the majors, but he has value as a deep arm in the right format, let’s say 24+ 250+ teams with minor league owners. ETA: 2019. Amazing. He’s actually been great in the kids this year, but he’s too old (28) to be like the 19-year-old kid on your Little League team with a fake birth certificate. “It says you were born here in 2012…but do you have a goat?” “Yes, I am Albanian.” Any hoo! It can see the streaming value of Holmes, that is, Streamonator, homes.
Michael Toglia – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer, 10 homers since July 1st. I’m not saying I don’t miss Triston Casas, or I wonder if he’s okay after he quit baseball to join the circus, but Toglia has been a perfect fill-in.
Mickey Moniak – 2-for-4 with his 7th homer. He really sucks, and plays every single game hitting in front of Zach Neto. Choosing to ignore Ron Washington put Michael Stefanic in the two hole.
Logan O’Hoppe – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, 2nd homer in two games. O’Hotte.
Hunter Strickland – 1 IP, 2 ER, 3.35 ERA, and one hit save. This will scare you. You may want to sit down. Are you ready? Ben Joyce may be a better closer than Hunter Strickland. You’re crazy, I know!
Mike Trout – Done a year with a meniscus tear. Every Mike Trout update makes us want to savor every moment. Post honestly, don’t take anything for granted. So, Mike Trout is on the board at 150th overall next year after looking good in Spring Training, are you taking him? The answer is: Yes. Definitely. Now you have to understand how many waiver wire guys go around each year. You take Mike Trout’s six weeks and you get somebody waived after that, and, if you only get one week, you go on waivers immediately. Either way, the risk was worth it. If you get two or three months of Trout, it’s all butter. Sweet, delicious miso butter. Miso is hungry for Trout.
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