Hope everyone had a great 4th! And, if not, because of the fire hazard, I hope you have a hot dog nearby to act as a tourniquet. On the 4th of July, I wore flip flops, floated in my kiddie pool, got a 3rd degree sunburn and drank Rolling Rocks while reading:
Then, after being given a good lift by the Hot Dog Lady, I watched Ian Happ (4-for-4, 6 RBIs) hit two homers (12, 13) and exclaimed, “Hot Dog Lady, you’re not the only one who loves me!” Then Cougs came in and asked why I was wearing a mustard bikini. How was your 4th of July? Good? Good. So, Ian Happ is a top 100 player on Player Rater, and you still get questions like, “Hey, Gray, pretty face, do you want Ian Happ or Schmohawk behind number two?” Ian Happ doesn’t get love. Today, Ian Happ gets the love previously reserved for the Hot Dog Lady. Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jameson Taillon – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.99. In short, the backlash will come to him. It’s hard to say when or in what capacity, but it will come and when it will be wearing a smiley face, holding scissors and wearing culottes.
Christopher Sanchez – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 2.96. Think back to the 4th of July. What kind of Commie crap are you trying to pull?
Nick Castellanos – 2-for-4 with his 12th homer. Elias Sports Bureau said, “He has 14 HRs at Wrigley in 49 career games. He has zero homers in any other park.” Um, I’m not sure that’s right.
Joey Meneses – Made for children. He was living on borrowed time longer than Jimmy Carter.
Jake Irvin – 8 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.80. Wonder if any lessons (like this real shizz) have been done about pitchers in any game that started before noon. It sounds like they have a limit. Any hoo! Irvin, like Herz, and Gore and like I keep saying, the Nats look like they know what they’re doing pitching. Well, except for Patrick Corbin, but they were dealt that missing hand. Irvin’s perfs say he’s in the worst position to be a fantasy five starter.
Jose Quintana – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 4.22. Streamonator, sure, but also: Over his last four Jose Quintana’s ERA dropped from 5.29 to 4.22.
Anthony Volpe — 0-for-4 since he was finally demoted after doing turds — not Snickers — at a public swimming pool month after month.
Ben Rice – 1-for-5 as a leadoff hitter. Not to scream in a Razzball theater, but a decent guy to catch a leadoff hit in front of Soto and Judge? Um, yes, please.
Juan Soto – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer, and just missed home run number 22 when Will Benson robbed him. Before that, Michael Kay said that Benson was an underrated player. More by Michael L.
Marcus Stroman – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.58. I didn’t see him yelling at Gleyber for allowing three homers. Huh, that’s weird.
Jonathan India – 3-for-5, 3 runs and his 6th homer, and he’ll absolutely be in the Buy column this afternoon, because he’s been as hot as India.
Spencer Steer – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .239. Most top 25 hitters in the 2nd half would be very welcome. Changing my fake team name to, “If you’re a top 25 player in the 2nd half, you’re already home.”
Mike Trout – Ron Washington said Trout was running on the treadmill and hitting the tee. At the same time? Wow, this guy is cute!
Lawrence Butler – 1-for-3 with his 4th homer, and second homer in three games. He won’t be in the Buy column this afternoon, because no one is really picking him up.
JP Sears – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.74. Somehow the A’s are behind the Angels in the standings, but I’m not exaggerating when I say I don’t know why. Oh, the A’s are not good. Don’t get me wrong. Of course the Angels are worse. They’re starting Miguel Sano at 3 now, while Rengifo is out with a sore wrist. He started Sano and hit him cleanly. Your Anaheim Not Los Angeles Angels!
Matt Chapman – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, 3rd homer of the week. Check out Chapman pretending to be April (2023).
Heliot Ramos – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Sonavabench! I can’t believe I started Bo Pieceofchette over him this week. Just an amazing galaxy brain.
Charlie Morton – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.96. Kinda reminds me of Chris Bassitt. Very hot heat. The minor notes are compounded by the ‘bad times.’ It looks like he is old. But not in a good way like James Brolin. But in a bad way like Gary Busey.
Johnny DeLuca – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. DeLuca with a great night, and DeLuca with a great cold cut. Let me go!
Brandon Lowe – 3-for-5, 3 runs and his 8th homer, 3rd homer in four games, and as the Rays announcer said yesterday: There may not be a hitter in the AL hotter than Lowe. A true hot schmotato. Stay blessed.
Zach Eflin – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.19. Aw, how beautiful, he doesn’t want to be sold. Too bad!
Bobby Witt Jr. – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, and second in three games. Nice, don’t take this the wrong way, but I saw you caught 9 steals yesterday. That’s a lot. You are only 22.
Christian Walker – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 21st and 22nd homer, and four homers in two games, five homers in three games, and is he trying to be traded to the Dodgers? Can he play 3rd?
Jared Jones – Hit IL with a focused lat. That’s the latissimus dorsi muscle, so Jones is a dolphin. A strange way to find out.
Martin Perez – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.72 vs. Andre Pallante – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.00. Rob Manfred saw ads for Chicks Dig The Long Ball in the ’90s and thought, “What if there was no offense and the whole game was less than two hours long?”
Bryan Reynolds – 1-for-4 with his 14th homer, hitting .273. A very interesting player. I have nothing but good things to say.
Gunnar Henderson – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer. He did very well after I wrote him because I helped an old lady cross the road back in 1998. I should be there doing karma work.
Jordan Westburg – 1-for-4 with his 14th homer, hitting .280. Damn, if someone tells you to write Westburg–Wait, I wrote a sleeper in Jordan Westburg. Okay, let’s continue.
Julio Rodriguez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (8) and walks (18). Lose him every game in a row, bro! The only thing that works! Beat him to 9th place until he retires in 2041! Let’s go!
Max Scherzer – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.70. I wish all my starters would just wake up and throw Quality Starts. Are you around Nolan Ryan playing today? Scherzer or Verlander?
Xander Bogaerts – It’s going to start a renaissance, and it sounds like it’s back in time for the All-Star Break. Before you get all moogly-googly, Horwitz or Bogaerts? That’s the kind of comps I’ll be watching with him.
Jurickson Profar – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 12th homer, hitting .317. Still don’t buy it fully, but sometimes good guys, after sucking you up for the next year, end up being the worst thing God has ever spat out.
Michael King – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.51. There are pitchers you draft that you love to watch and there are guys like King that you draft and you never want to watch.
Kenta Maeda – 3 2/3 IP, 9 ER, 6.71 ERA. Maeda’s entire season was like a battle between Apollo Creed and Ivan Drago. Throw in the towel man!
Colt Keith – 2-for-4 with his 5th homer, hitting .236. He hit .220 in June with two homers and one steal. Wow, yawning a lot.
Ryan Jeffers – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 14th homer. You’re going to end up with a 25-homer, .230 season and you’re going to be like, “Why did I throw him away?” In response to your Future Self, I don’t know, Grass Is Greener Syndrome?
Jose Miranda – 5-for-5, 4 runs, 3 RBIs, hitting .312. Yes, he’ll be in today’s Buy column, he’s one of the hottest schmotatoes in history (for the past two weeks).
Bailey Ober – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.12. As long as no one goes, you are still right. Stay ready, Bailey, stay ready. Sounds like someone telling a British person how to drive here.
Nick Pivetta – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.06. Streamonator was like, “It’s the Marlins! Hello! You will definitely be great!” Just thinking about pitching pitchers vs. the Marlins is the entire 2nd half.
Jesus Sanchez – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. It was one short of a cycle. Do runs count if you need more innings to get them? Things that make you go hmm…
Framber Valdez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.84 vs. Chris Bassitt – 5 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.43. Both of these guys have a number of names and their peripherals look bad. Frame a 7.1 K/9, um, yuck. Bassitt a 3.6 BB/9, which is nine more walks than last year. Yes, it’s not good. Let’s continue!
Jeremy Pena – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer, 2nd homer in four games. Peña won’t be in the Buy column this afternoon, but he’s here now, so do what you do if you do.
Paul DeJong – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. A shiny Colonel Mustard in a Ford bed while wearing a red, white and blue sleeveless shirt!
Lenny Sosa – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Lenin with a home run on the 4th of July? Damn, you know the Dems are in office.
Ben Lively – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.14. I brought him down the other day to catch Gavin Williams and that gave me a sore throat.
Steven Kwan – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. He’s an official hitting center fielder and your All-Star left fielder and, with apologies to Jerry Maguire, an official ambassador.
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