The producers rang the bell of Ding Dong City and said, “Ding Dong, we are home. Now we are the Mayor here. Hit the bricks. Yes, we have the papers to prove it! What do we look like? Squatters?” Then the Brewers took out yesterday’s scores and showed them their Ding Dong City key papers. It was 3 AM when they did this, and Travis Shaw, in a panic, got kicked out of his house. Bad situation. Starting the Dong Attack, William Contreras (3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs) as he hit his 13th homer Jackson Chourio (3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 13th and 14th homer), which we should spend a little time on. In the past month, he’s hitting close to .350 with five homers, and he’s hit the top three in a row. In June, he had 4 HRs and hit .315. The season hasn’t started well for Chourio, but he’s showing absolutely why he’s a top three player, and he’s already written me off next year. Next, Garrett Mitchell (2-for-4, 3 runs) hit his 2nd homer. Garrett Mitchell is a platoon quarterback, and a shampoo entrepreneur. Next we have Jake Bauers (1-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, 9th homer) who should be teaching an offseason seminar at the local Ramada about patience because he’s been in the majors for six seasons without one good one. And we include a dong-up with Willy Adames (2-for-4, 2 runs, and his 20th homer) who ranks as perhaps the top five shortstop of all time. All this was made possible by the great Charlie Morton (2 2/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 4.47). You may be using the wrong word ‘big’ there. You know you shouldn’t be starting someone in your dream league so that if he’s dancing you don’t even look at him. However – and with a certain smell – YET! Here I am starting this thread completely. Named by Morton because it is salt in my wounds! Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Austin Riley – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer. Great, now hit the same number of homers in six weeks as you did four months ago.
Marcell Ozuna – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 33rd homer. Have they put the balls in now to kill our nerves when they are used in the final? What will you say? (Manfred. Manfred says this.)
Edward Olivares – Selected for assignment by the Pirates. The royals pointed, “Look! It wasn’t us!”
Luis L. Ortiz – 6 IP, 4 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.40. Il. it represents what it takes to lift him up.
David Bednar – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 5.77 ERA, and now four straight appearances allowing a run. Sounds like we’ll get a phantom IL stint and Aroldis will take over. It’s sad, but imagine how I feel about starting Morton and having Bednar and being tagged with 11 ER in 3 1/3 IP. Not good, Bob!
Joey Bart – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .270. Joey Bart will be in today’s Buy column. If this doesn’t make it incredibly exciting to read that column at noon PST or 3 PM EST, you need to get your blood pressure checked. He might be dead.
Manny Machado – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. Macho, macho Machado!
David Peralta – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. David Peralta. dot dot. Now there’s a name I haven’t thought about in a long time.
Randy Vasquez – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.63. If randy makes you randy, seek medical attention immediately. Call 911 and tell them you can’t control your breathing. Do it! Right now! You are crazy!
Bryan Woo – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.27. Damn, Woo threw almost 90 pitches. He went about seven innings. Check him out! Soon Ric Flair will start yelling, “Bryan Woo!” And not just his last name.
Luke Raley – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 14th homer, and 2nd homer in his last two games. Sadly, it wasn’t M’s last two games, which is the bugaboo in the oil. He has three homers a week, so maybe this gets him on the field more, but I have my doubts. Lefties who don’t platoon are actually as rare as starters who go deep.
Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-4 with his 17th homer. He had six homers since July 6. [putting hands together] Lord, I see what you did for Eugenio, you did that for Ernie Clement. Oh my God, I have Ernie Clement in the band.
Jake McCarthy – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .299. I went to Player Rater to see if McCarthy is better than Corbin Carroll because I like to give myself wounds. He is not. However.
JT Realmuto – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 8th homer. Jerry Tomato ketchup’d up that one!
Carlos Estevez – 1 IP, 1 ER, 2.27 ERA, and his 1st save for the Phils. Ever since they traded for Estevez, it’s been pretty clear that Hoffman has been pushed out of the 9th spot by Estevez, but yesterday he shut it down.
TJ Friedl – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. I said the other day that I was beginning to think that Friedl was a 2023 fluke. OK, prove me wrong, Friedl.
Hunter Greene – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.90. No, not really, but it seems like the Marlins are strong as Edwards is ahead of them with the Jazz.
Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 1-for-4 with his 18th homer. Jazz just gets better. More like Scat Chisholm.
Oswaldo Cabrera – 1-for-1 with his 8th homer, 2nd homer in two games. He won’t be on today’s list of the Buy column because yesterday’s homer was working hard, and therein lies the problem.
Nestor Cortes – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.42. You look at him – and I did – and you’re always amazed at how smitten he looks. Just talk bleh. My man has lost his rizz, as the kids say.
Nolan Schanuel – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. It’s very hard to be a leadoff man on a big league team and be as boring as Schanuel.
Colton Cowser – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 17th homer. You still have a good chance of getting Cowser the AL ROY because it’s unbelievable. Who is it between? Him and Luis Gil? It always beats.
Dean Kremer – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.70. Fun fact! Dean Kremer is the only Animal House actor to ever play in the MLB.
Kevin Gausman – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.42. It is shocking that he kept his team in the game vs. It’s not as shocking as how bad he’s been this year, but it’s still shocking. Next year, top 60 starters? Do you want him? You are crazy.
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 23rd homer, and missed the cycle by one. Cake Batter is between Varsho (almost hitting .200) and Horwitz (the team’s accountant), and it goes with the cake. Sir, that means you have marbles in your head.
Shane Baz – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.30. It’s great that he’s retooling the Rays team, but why let him go back to your dream team?
Brandon Lowe – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, and 2nd homer in three games, and one of the hottest schmotatoes in Schmotatoville. Population: Lowe’s and Lowe’s Hardware.
Oscar Colas – He seems to be heading back to the majors. In completely related news, White Sox manager Pedro Grifol was fired. I’m not sure why. Does anyone know? They seemed to be doing well. Career .319 career winning percentage, going 89-190. Not bad in a different country. Any hoo! Grifol criticized Colas a lot and they hate each other, so maybe Colas is coming back with some power. The White Sox should have allowed Colas to deliver news of the firing to Grifol.
Tyler Fitzgerald – 2-for-5, 2 runs and 3 steals (8, 9, 10), hitting .316. Now stealing bases? Do you want to get married? Say the word and I’ll break up the Cougs!
DJ Herz – 2 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 4.41 ERA. He was the victim of a 50 minute rain delay. Or are we the victims? What will you say? (Me, we were the victims.) Streamonator hates the next one, and I agree.
Kyle Finnegan – 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 3.64 ERA, and blown save vs. Camilo Doval – 1 IP, 3 ER, 4.70 ERA, who also blew a save. Some might say, “Geez, these guys are horrible, why didn’t their teams trade them at the deadline for anything?” And I say you’re missing the big picture here. They loved baseball so much that they didn’t want the game to end. It’s beautiful. Respect love.
Luis Garcia Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and slam (14) and walks (19), hitting .290, as he bats 8th (lol). Yesterday was Luis Garcia Jr.’s National Day. at Razzball. Stan Son gave you his legend of Luis Garcia Jr., and Butters gave you his legend of Luis Garcia Jr.. There have probably been many posts on Luis Garcia Jr. yesterday as there is also Luis Garcias.
Pete Alonso – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 24th and 25th homers. Albombso-so!
Mark Vientos – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .273. The inner monologue, “Don’t do it! Don’t do it! Don’t do it! Don’t do it!” Wow! I can’t help myself! Vientos’ year is reaching a 35-homer season!
David Peterson – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.34. It would have been better to start Peterson at Coors over Charlie Morton. Say goodnight, Grey. Good night, Grey.
Marquez from Germany – He will not return in 2024. He’ll be working as a Brooklyn dentist living off illegally obtained diamonds while Dustin Hoffman runs marathons.
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