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Jurickson Profar of Fantasy Baseball

Jurickson Profar (1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .338) is the top 20 player on Player Rater. Not a measure of the last 7 days, a long season. Yes. With that in mind, in the tie game, Mike Shildt took Profar out of the game to take a defensive position. He removed his leading man. A guy coming off his 12th year in the league. Jurickson Profar, his best hitter. Does that sound like wisdom to you? Just in case, I have an imaginary bridge from Make-Believeland to Not-A-Real-Placetown to sell you. Not-A-Real-Placetown is just outside of Ho-Ho-Kus, New Jersey. It’s really true. So, Profar has a .310 xBA, .417 wOBA, top 10% in the league K% and easy exit velocity and HardHit%. It may not continue to this level, but it feels like one of those years where a guy inexplicably has a top 50 year with a random performance year. Like straight out of Not-A-Real-Placetown. Still a real place. Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Cody Bellinger – 3-for-4 with his 6th homer, since being activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s Get Him In Your Lineup said, “I didn’t put ‘Tesla’ decals on my Toyota bumper so I could park in an electric car park, that’s how it came to be.”

Shota Imanaga – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.08. Shota deserves better than the Cubs pen.

Michael Busch – 2-for-4 with his 7th homer, hitting .262. It’s still painful as this put the win on Neris and not Shota. I will continue before I lose. How dare you mess up my Shota!

Evan Carter – 1-for-6, hitting .222. The Rangers scored 15 runs and Carter did the Ticker Tease!

Marcus Semien – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .266. What a blast from Semien! Ew.

Leody Taveras – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .254. He is also over 30 on the 7-day Player Rater. He said like an Italian just off the boat, “That’s schmotato!”

Jonah Heim – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs. Meh, you know what you’re hitting on, so go ahead, guess. Within 20 points. .260? Bzzt-it’s wrong! He is hitting .301.

Seth Brown – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Also, in this game, Kyle McCann (2-for-4, 3 runs, hitting .393) hit his 3rd homer. Now you have to guess if I made up his name. Meanwhile, the As have been good hitting lately, and Abraham Toro (2-for-6, 1 RBI, hitting .287) has been leading the way.

Ryan Jeffers – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. When Jeffers opens, we all move on.

Mitch Haniger – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Also, in this game, Cal Raleigh (1-for-1, 2 runs, 4 RBIs) hit his 9th homer. As *bites and big Dumper go, this game would have been a favorite of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.

Victor Robles – Configured in IL. That’s cool, please don’t step on Jacob Young’s playing time. Please, Davey!

Trevor Williams – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at…Guess this 32 year old’s ERA and losing record. Go ahead! How wrong can you be? That was absolutely wrong! He is 4-0 with a 1.96 ERA. This start was against the Orioles. What, and I pause to process, is going on here? Open a Congressional investigation into Trevor Williams right now! My tax dollars want it!

Jose Berrios – 3 2/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 2.85. Having things going back to 2022. Why can’t he go from big to medium? Does it have to be total destruction?

Bryce Harper – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 9th homer, and 3rd homer in three games. How many children do you have this month?

Christopher Sanchez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.22. He’s been solid and Streamonator likes (moderately) his next start. And here we go!

Is Clemens – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his second homer. Put Clemens in the Hall of Fame! This one. Just to get his father out of the situation, like his last few years.

Randy Arozarena – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, 3rd homer of the week. The Buy low window closes almost as slowly as it goes, as it still hits .152. Does the Rice Bowl stay in Schwarber’s stomach?

Isaac Paredes – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 8th homer, hitting .299. I’m reminded after my sleeper post went up how people were talking about Paredes only pulling balls. Well, speaking of which, allow me to do a jerk-off move.

Pete Fairbanks – Going by the rehab assignment, it sounds like Jason Adam or someone else may not have long-term value in the Rays bullpen. Fun fact about Jason Adam! His name is heard back as a person who runs a brothel in France.

Paul DeJong – 2-for-3 with his 4th homer. Colonel Mustard in Benihana with Buddha’s cup!

JP France – I’m dealing with a shoulder injury and I’m going to stay for a while, that is, I see London, I see…

Justin Verlander – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.43. If this is the end, it would be good if it came the same year that the Astros’ long dynasty ends.

Luis Gil – 6 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 4 BBs, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.92. At some point, the Regression Fairies will show up and comment dry on her wardrobe and ruin her ratings, but, until then, I’ve been enjoying the ride.

Anthony Volpe – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his fourth homer, hitting .250. Also, in this game, Giancarlo (1-for-4, 2 runs) hit his 7th homer, and Alex Verdugo (3-for-5, 4 RBIs) hit his 5th homer. You know who didn’t? Judge, judge and executioner you!

Cutter Crawford – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.75. Sighing, I benched Kutter and started Berrios. Teach me to think.

Jarred Kelenic – 2-for-2, 2 RBIs and his first homer. I want to go back to everyone in March who was like, “Kelenic is going to Atlanta! This is a breakout,” and shook them senseless.

Brendan Donovan – 2-for-5 with his fourth homer, hitting .223. Between Pillar, Ibanez, Kelenic and Donovan, it was a good night to twist the bottle and get the lay off from whoever it landed on.

Lars Nootbaar – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Nootbaar home run…Allergies?

Wilson Contreras – Out with a broken arm, after JD Martinez swung at it. It was pretty gnarly. I watched it once and wanted to do a little ralphing. Reportedly, the Cards told Contreras to step up to the plate to get better ground strikes, which makes me wonder, “Are they confused?” Did they leave out a key piece of the equation as he is required to step closer to the plate and use a robotic arm? This opens up a career for Herrera, who can play in all leagues as a two-catcher, and can get radars for one-catcher.

Brandon Nimmo – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. That Buy Low window is now closed.

Pete Alonso – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. Albombso!

Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 1-for-4 with his 5th homer. I wonder if they will trade him, because if they want to, he can be a team stick in a new team.

Bryan De La Cruz – 1-for-4 with his 7th homer. It’s an understatement to say that De La Snooze has been one bright spot for the Marlins.

Max Muncy – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 9th homer. Max is a Muncist!

Yoshinobu Yamamoto – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.79. His ERA is now 1.76 if you remove his South Korean start.

Wily Adams – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. Also, in this game, Joey Ortiz (1-for-3) hit 2nd and Rhys Hoskins (1-for-5) hit 7th. Is it me or did they put in dead balls yesterday?

James McArthur – 1 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.32, and his second straight oopsie. Damn, he was rolling right there. Look at how Trevor Megill (1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.04, and 3rd save) looks now. He saw McArthur handcuffed to John Bartleby Schreiber.

TJ Friedl – 0-for-4 as he was activated from IL and led off. The beloved Friedl is coming into draft season. Call him Friedl-Lay because only one wasn’t doing the trick. I went down to Tijuana to see TJ’s birthplace to find out that TJ stands for Tom Juice. Unfortch, he had a broken wrist, and that dampened my enthusiasm for any hitter, incredibly. I’m willing to go back to Love if he’s healthy, because the wrist shouldn’t slow down his steals, but his past 18/27/.279 looks like a pipe dream until we see something.

Jonathan India – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer, hitting .222. The Reds and Rockies play in the best stadiums, and both their lineups are filled with some of those parks’ biggest hitters. Y’all are a bunch of park spoilers!

Frankie Montas – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, 3.55 ERA as activated from IL. His stats are so bad, I won’t even use Streamonator on him.

Corbin Carroll – 2-for-5, 5 RBIs and his second homer, hitting .211. You are back my child, you are back! [tomorrow his shoulder flies out of its socket and my soul leaves my body and drifts off into outer space] So, it’s good that Carroll was hitting the mark and came home – good park so, he’s not a park wrecker! But, I’m not saying that Corbin is back after one good match.

Ketel Marte – 1-for-5 with his 7th homer. Looking back at Corbin’s blurb, Ketel is in back-to-back matches, so that makes him twice as good as Corbin?

Zac Gallen – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners (3 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 2.84. This was against the Reds, that is, the park destroyers.

Paul Sewald – 1 IP, 1 ER, as configured from IL. It can safely hold a Ginkel or two in case the Sewald is breached.

Kyle Harrison – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.20. He went into Coors and confronted the other Park Wasters and helped them destroy their park. It took me a while to start Berrios because I also started Harrison. I was gently blowing my knuckles, but it didn’t take away the itch.

Josh Naylor – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. His home run trot is rocking a baby in his arms and it’s my dream! LFG!

Logan Allen – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER, 6.41 ERA. If you’ve been into Logan, have you considered the Logan Foldem?

Kenta Maeda – 2 IP, 7 ER, 6.75 ERA. Hey, Maeda, thanks for taking the pressure off me by putting it out there in what I thought was an early fashion.

Andy Ibanez – 4-for-4, 4 runs, 4 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homers. Not to be confused with iBanez, which is the bathroom of the Apple Store in Latin America. Or Aye Baez, which is what Javy says in the slide.

Patrick Sandoval – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.85. Streamonator, trained by the world’s smartest AI, never likes Angels pitchers, which is why I like Streamonator.

Kevin Pillar – 3-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homers. Shh…listen carefully. Do you hear that? One person in Poughkeepsie who put Andy Ibanez and Pillar on the same team. They’re really screaming huh–Oh, God, is that an ambulance siren? Damn, the excitement was too much. A lesson for all of us. Never Pillar and Ibanez with high blood pressure.


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