“Plug and play. That’s what I mean about George Kirby. Plug him in and play. Like the Empowering Rabbit. There is no stopping there.” This is a deaf man describing George Kirby (3 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 3.42 ERA) while an Energizer bunny hops up and down on a grave with a tombstone that reads, “My Legend Team.” I saw Kerry Carpenter was coming back from IL and here’s what I thought before the game: He’s going to hit second place between I Have No Idea and Yeah, I Don’t Know, Is One Of Them Colt Keith? I really don’t know who just beat George Kirby. Jake Rogers (3-for-5, 7 RBIs)? Gio Urhela (4-for-5, 3 runs)? Who answers to Barry Bonds? Javier Baez (1-for-4, 2 RBIs) even hit a homer (his 5th). He couldn’t beat a cantaloupe with his bare hands! Kerry Carpenter (3-for-5, 3 RBIs, 9th and 10th homer) is good, I think. Welcome again, I say, with a grumble. Did he have to defecate in the grave of my Dream Team? As a professional fisherman, I hesitate. I’m thinking of taking Kerry Carpenter, I don’t even know where it’s going. Kirby left me! Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Michael Harris II – Returning to IL on Wednesday. Go tell the guy in your league who you’re with. He is gone from our football side. Harris will replace Ramon Laureano in the lineup for most of the day, who hit his 5th homer in a perfect outing.
Travis d’Arnaud – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, 2nd homer in three games. I told you two weeks ago that he was replacing Murphy soon and he was the last few days.
Charlie Morton – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.40. He wouldn’t have hit like this last week, just, like, freakin’ normal?
Tyler Fitzgerald – 1-for-5 with his 13th homer, hitting .305. This guy is on the heater as we haven’t seen him in a while. The value of the dream is growing like grass with his Maas appeal.
Cutter Crawford – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.21. One walk, three hits and zero homers allowed and four earned? That doesn’t seem likely. Do they just see that we are paying attention? Crap, my tinfoil hat just fell off.
James Paxton – MRI showed a partially torn calf. It’s going to be one really pissed off cow.
Hunter Greene – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.84. Greene went in quietly saying “He can throw a no-hitter with 12 Ks while cleaning up” every time he gets out. Uh, I love him.
France – 1-for-3 with his 11th homer. France, Ty’d himself and JRod for homers. It’s very good. [wanders into a street wearing a potato sack while cars honk, careening out of the way] Seriously, though, France shows you why we should love all the Reds. A 17 homer hitter goes there and becomes a 30 homer hitter. JRod in Cincy could be a 50 homer threat. For an additional illustration, see Jeimer Candelario (1-for-3, 2 RBIs, and 19th homer).
Nolan Arenado – 1-for-3 with his 12th homer. Hi, I want to see my manuscript, Old Players Get Old Badly, right here in this open window–NOOOOOOO!!! The Torenado!
Jazz Chisholm Jr. – Hit IL with UCL injury. You’re going to tell me that the pennant-chasing trade didn’t stop him from being Glass Chisholm Jr.? He has now played in five seasons (ignoring 2020, though he only played 21 games that year) and is yet to surpass his 121 game debut in his first year. Any hoo! Catch Jason Dominguez now.
Juan Soto – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 31st, 32nd and 33rd homers. Sexy Dr. Pepper did the house run home calls! Soto must have been so embarrassed by the Yanks losing to the White Sox the night before, he gave them all the blame. The real Major League, “F*ck you, Soto do it himself.”
Nestor Cortes – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.20. Yes, it competes with Shite Sux. You should be right there!
Zebby Matthews – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks as mentioned above. I just passed him yesterday. Scroll through it, sung like Steve Winwood.
Max Kepler – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer. The Twins are the only team in history that is dangerous and doesn’t have anyone with impressive season-long stats, because they are always injured. Kepler? On pace for 12 homers. He’s not bad! Their leading hitter is Ryan Jeffers with 17 homers.
Seth Lugo – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.04. [Mac and Charlie fake-crying from It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia] Ooh, did Lugo get hit? What a child! Try and edit George Kirby sometime!
Salvador Perez – 1-for-3 with his 22nd homer. William Contreras was mentioned yesterday, and how he only missed three games all year. Sal P.’s Cal Ripken compared to that.
William Contreras – 1-for-4 with his 15th homer. Wow, did I just mention Contreras! We have a blub-off! That should be in the next Olympics. I hear they have a place where breakdancing is discontinued. That doesn’t just come from the Olympics. No one is allowed to breakdance again.
Colin Rea – 6 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.72. I dumped him a week ago, but this was my fate, and I avoided it. I hope my dream team isn’t filming a new Final Destination.
Ryan River – You refer to Tommy John surgery. Dude was confused about his months. This Is Back From Tommy John Month. April is Go For Tommy John Month. In reality, Driveline is the worst thing to happen in the modern era, yes or no?
Will Smith – 3-for-4, 2 runs, and his 16th homer. See Langeliers blurb below for my thoughts on Smith. Then come back here. If you ever went and read Langeliers and came back here and did that again. You are in the loop. The only way out of this loop is to send me your life savings.
Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-5 with his 37th homer. Crazy to think people are already saying they want Elly over Ohtani next year. Well, I’m not hiding Elly anymore, but go.
Gavin Lux – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Lux explodes. Yes, 7 HRs for him is a breakout.
Gavin Stone – 5 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.63. Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-BUT I’m already moving on! Streamonator hates the next one, but against cards it doesn’t scare me.
Michael King – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.19. It was mentioned in this week’s podcast that if you just went with the stars of the Korean series, you would have done well. I remember King was a popular late draft pick because he got a random win in the first game, and you can get that Win if you draft him. Also, Merrill looked good in Korea, and ended up being good this year. All this to say, a draft based on one game, forget the 10,000 hours of preseason I do.
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 1-for-5 with his 24th homer, hitting .320. It’s been a rocky road to start the year, but Cake Batter is now the first top player on Player Rater, and out of 15 overall. The best buys were down in May.
Kevin Gausman – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.20. Okay, but Angels are disgusting, so where does that leave us? The same place we started with Gausman? That we don’t trust him? Yes, I think so too.
Anthony Santander – 1-for-4 with his 36th homer. A’la In the Heat of the Night, “They call me Mr. San-tan-dare!”
Trevor Rogers – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.89. After his debut with the O’s, he was impressed with the way the coaches helped him. Now, the coaches say, “Get your own cheese.”
Jake Irvin – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.72. You started him last week to get him together properly, then he moved. He took her down before this and, of course, this was the result.
James Wood – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .283. Clicking this fast at his age? This feels special.
Yusei Kikuchi – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.49. Kikuchi really turned his season around after being traded to the Astros. It’s almost as if they know how to make players better in a way that no other team can or will.
Alex Bregman – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 19th homer, and 4th homer in four games. Not on Breg, man, but I don’t care because I don’t have him on any teams, but he’s obviously a heater.
Jeremy Pena – 2-for-4 with his 11th homer. Trying to figure out if anyone else has 11 home runs in MLB. I can’t think of a name. Think it rhymes with Julio Podriguez.
Shane Baz – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.21. If that’s all it took to set him back, at about 35 IP, that’s not bad at all. Do I think he is 100% back to pre-surgery Baz? No.
Victor Vodnik – 2/3IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.16, and his third save. When he first got the Rockies closer job, I thought Vodnik sucked, but he turned out to be an underdog.
Jake Burger – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 23rd homer, and 4th homer in four games, and the bajillionth homer last month and the zajillionth time I said Burger is the 2nd hitter.
Jesus Sanchez – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 15th homer, 2nd homer in two games. Hot schmotato alert!
Valente Bellozo – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.28. He should use the nickname, El Bozo. Come to the mound with a red nose, cleats that are 15 inches too long. Accept it! The Streamonator hates the next one because the Broadcaster hates clowns. This is true. According to Cronenworth, Bellozo did it with excellent command, that he had no minors (shoulders) and no Ks (7.5 K/9). There is no trust here.
Taijuan Walker – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.68. Getting beat by the MIA Marlins is when you should start considering if baseball is still for you.
Paul Blackburn – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.43. More like Paul Heartburn.
Shea Langeliers – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 22nd homer. He was almost as good as Will Smith this year on Player Rater, and about 6th best. A little blame for Smith and a back pat for Langeliers.
Jonkensy Noel – 2-for-3 with his 9th homer, and 3rd homer in two games. Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!
Is Brennan – 1-in-4. Is Lane Thomas on the team? I’m just asking questions. Guess I need another question to be plural. Hmm, how about: WHY?
Matthew Boyd – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks as activated from IL. If you’re going to pick up Boyd from a layoff, you step on some heavy rakes before you get there, you have to figure out how to get the banana out of the pipe before it explodes.
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