Is it me or you don’t hear his last name without yelling out the phrase, “Someone get me McGreevy!” Meh, maybe it’s me. Yesterday, the Rangers got McGreevied and now they are McGreeved. Michael McGreevy He went 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks in his MLB debut. Oh, okay, I see, I need to reevaluate my expectations. I thought McGreevy was a misspelled McDonald’s Chicken-Fried Steak accoutrement. This is not McGrawy. He’ll probably be McGreedy’s McGreevy if he’s working on good stuff. [watches clips] It doesn’t look bad, relax. Solid cutter, big turd of fastball and lots of ground balls. Like lots and lots. Is this a rookie or a 38-year-old rookie? All he does is hit the bottom of the zone. That’s nothing. BABIP can hurt him, and there’s a reason why he doesn’t hit anyone and has an iffy ERA in the minors. It evolves into a streamer, hence the Streamonator. Someone get me McGreevy! (If his likeness is good.) Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Lance Lynn – Hit the IL knee injury. On the other hand, this picture is very funny to me. It’s like God took care of Lance Lynn:
Matt Olson – 2-for-4 with his 16th and 17th homers. Please burn. I don’t ask. Please. To Mecca. Please, Allahson. Singing like a Muslim Elvis Costello, “Allllllllllllllahson, your lack of energy is killing me…Oh, Allllllllllllahson, my goal is true, my goal is to win my dream league…” Since we now have an all-Cal-Raleigh-ass- sample size, it is clear that Matt Olson is not hitting the ball anywhere near as well as in previous seasons. It could be a breakdown, because a breakdown can do strange things. The more unlucky you are, the worse it gets. Then, in order to get out of the slump, you start to increase your position, and the slump gets stronger. Another way to show off is to have a fun game where you hit two ding-dongs like you’re Jennifer Connelly in Requiem.
Travis d’Arnaud – 2-for-4, and homered twice (10, 11). As I said in last week’s Buy column, the Braves should play him more than Murphy. We will see if Snitker’s intention is true.
Nacho Alvarez Jr. – Made for children. There is time, I think.
Connor Norby – Sent to children. MLB needs to add by rule. You can’t intentionally delay a service time like this, it’s bad. It’s only in sports that teams see players who are 100% ready and think, “Hmm, let’s send him down to pay him less.” If you want to make shizz like this? That’s right, the Marlins should be forced to forfeit a draft pick. There must be consequences, he cries as he slowly retreats into the abyss.
Jake Burger – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. After the game, Burger said, “I hope the Baltimore fans are hungry for meat, because I heard from my agent, Burger’s headed north! What? Why so many strange faces? The trade deadline is August 1st, right?”
Calvin Faucher – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.95, as he got the 9th inning. It wasn’t a save situation, but he was close enough, so he looks like a saver in Miami, until he gets the notice. That extra notice may not happen for two weeks because the Marlins may not have any save opportunities.
Christopher Morel – 1-for-4 with his 20th homer, 2nd homer in two games. Morel being the leadoff hitter for the Rays would be very funny. A good middle reliever? Of course, that will follow with radiation.
Hello Bradley – 5 IP, 4 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.71. Writing this before the start to see how close I am to getting it right, “Taj pitched a near-perfect game for six innings, striking out 11, but did you see the Marlins’ lineup?” How close was I to my prediction? Good? Hello? Five boys and girls?
Alec Marsh – Made for children. I think you can get *pinkie on mouth* Marsh’ing orders.
Brady Singer – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.88. Since I tend not to talk about Rockies hitters when they’re doing well at home (I don’t, if you haven’t noticed), I might start ignoring the starters against the Shite Sux. They are headed for 120 losses. That’s crazy.
Vinnie Pasquantino – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .262. Vinnie Pasketti sounds like a 30-homer hitter, he was considered one, and he may not reach 20.
DJ LeMahieu – 2-for-4, 6 RBIs and his second homer, a grand slam. Sadly, allowing a grand slam to LeMahieu means that Christopher Sanchez (5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.36) will no longer be able to play baseball. Time to learn badminton, friend!
Nestor Cortes – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.16. He watched most of the time he started, and he seems almost too dark. Just a big ball of bleh that’s been meh’d.
MacKenzie Gore – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 4.54. It was one of the biggest disappointments of the year for me. Not that I’m starting him anywhere, but I still find it sad.
Paul Sewald – 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.39, and a very important catch. Okay, if, and bear with me here, your close stink? Are you traveling with your new additions like Ralph Tresvant, AJ Puk? Or Kevin Ginkel? Bzzt, wow! Ryan Thompson (2/3 IP, 0 ER) got the save. That is possible because others like Will Ferrell have been used. I think Ginkel is the one handcuffed here.
Nick Lodolo – 5 2/3 IP, 8 ER, 3.99 ERA. It’s hard to be as good as him when you’re just crazy. He is Cincy’s version of Freddy Peralta. Put spaghetti on Freddy’s head and you have Nick.
Jake Fraley – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Not bad if it was April. August, beeeeeeyatch!
Ian Happ – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .235, as he hit the wire. Why is Happ hitting as a .235 hitter? Well, I can’t blame DEI. I’m not sure, but the Cubs scored 13 points, and only…How many games are they under .500? Haha, why were the Cubs buyers last time? Were they buyers? What exactly is their game plan?
Framber Valdez – 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.56. It was difficult for us against the Pirates. Don’t laugh, they have Connor Joe hitting third.
Clayton Kershaw – 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.87. I’ve worked hard on Robbie Ray and Kershaw’s FAAB and so far I’m reaping insane rewards. Wait for the rewards please, my mock reward shelf is overflowing.
Michael Kopech – 1 IP, 0 ER, 4.63 ERA, as he pitched a 5th inning. Emoji with the most moving smile.
Dylan Cease – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.42. “Okay, let’s go home. Get it? ‘The head.’” That’s Johnny Vander Meer’s frozen head in a Padres game in case Cease doesn’t throw the batters.
Logan Webb – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.49. I know it’s not true, but this feels like the closing of the first game of the season.
Brenton Doyle – 1-for-4 with his 18th homer. “Why is he hitting Doyle 9th?” That’s me on Opening Day next year. I’m working now.
Logan O’Hoppe – 2-for-4 with his 15th homer. O’Hoppe Day.
George Kirby – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.04. It looks like McLovin, and I’m McLovin’ him! Did I just do something? I did, didn’t I? So, he looked good. He did start the game by throwing a knuckleball in honor of Tom Wakefield and that’s pretty cool.
Brian Bello – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.13. He took the Mariners’ roster with their new additions, and, honestly, their roster is still pretty meh.
Byron Buxton – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 13th homer, 2nd homer of the week. Bux stopped somewhere in the stands.
Matt Wallner – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, 3rd homer of the week, and narrowly missed the 2nd homer. The Twins have the “craziest per game” players that I can remember. They are all a bunch of ‘If he can stay healthy’. If they manage to find a way to keep the batsmen on the field, they will score 162-0. They would never lose a game. They would be the greatest group ever assembled. Unfortunately, every time a butterfly flaps its wings in Indonesia, a Twins player suffers a knee injury that takes them out for a limited time.
Pablo Lopez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.65. Pab-Lo giving the Peo-Ple what they want.
Luis Severino – 3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.93. Sigh. Streamonator hates the follower as well, so he easily goes down in the shallow mixed leagues.
Mark Vientos – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, and second in as many games. Vientos has the best batting average of any regular on the Mets’ roster and has 16 homers in 63 games. You know, the ol’ 35-homer is fast. Cricketers the way they bat.
Addison Barger – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer since the Jays traded Justin Turner and for the second time I beg them to play him every day.
Joey Loperfido – 1-for-5 as he bats second. Monocle down, Loperfido up, and join my ranks. LFG!
Jordan Westburg – Took a 95 MPH hit on his wrist, it turned out to be a two-seamer on the catch and broke his wrist. It sounds in season. It was a solid sleep of my pre-season, but instead of crying your cry that we can’t undo, do to others as others do to their tuna fish and get MAYO!
Colton Cowser – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 16th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. In some ways, Cowser’s was the O’s best hitter. I honestly can’t tell you how, but I’m giddy up.
Jackson Holiday – 1-for-5, 4 RBIs as he was remembered, and was very close to hitting a 2nd homer. There were two grand slams today in MLB, by two different players. If you’re starting a dynasty today, do you want Jackson Holliday or DJ LeMahieu?
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