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Nick Gonzales and Matt Vierling of Fantasy Baseball

The doubleheader for the Pirates didn’t start well with Jared Jones pitching 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 3.69 ERA. Hello, Regression Fairies, I hate you. The first game was Tarik Skubal (7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.01). Why does every one-time top scorer, who has yet to emerge, explode like Tarik? He didn’t answer but nodded sadly. Then it started to shine for the Pirates in game 2, Paul Skenes going 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.45. 12.3 K/9, 2.1 BB/9 in 22 IP in MLB. It’s almost as if he’s been in the majors for a long time. But the big stars yesterday for both teams were there Matt Vierling (4-for-8, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homer, hitting .289, as he hit second). You’ll be in Friday’s Buy column, because it’s BOY HOT. The call to quit column is already available on Patreons. And, on the Pirates side of things, Nick Gonzales (4-for-8, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .313). We’re crazy about Nico, but don’t underestimate our love for Ni-Go. Nah’mean, my main Ni-Go?! [Cancel Police break down my front door with German Shepherds and, for some reason, Shepard Fairey] “Wow! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it! Huh, easier to cancel than my MLB.TV subscription, huh? Sorry, does that cancel me more? Oh, my arm! Hello, why is Shepard Fairey here?” Then Shepard Fairey leans down and shouts, “Listen up!” Listen to Failey and grab Vierling and/or Ni-Go, please. Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Andrew McCutchen – 3-for-8, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer. He is now responsible for all four Skenes startups. Talk about taking a guy under your wing. Or…hey, I have an idea, let’s see what Cutch does when Livvy is around if Skenes doesn’t respond.

Kerry Carpenter – Hit the IL with inflammation of the lumbar spine. Sounds like you need to visit a Kerry Chiropractor.

Little Caminero – Beat MiLB IL with quad strain. A bad week to stop sniffing glue and a bad week to hide high hopes.

Kyle Harrison – 5 IP, 4 ER, 12 hits, 1 walk, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.15, as he tied his owners for the WHIPping post. You need Harrison Fjord between me and quit when I see him well matched.

Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (11) and walks (4), hitting .246. Is Schwarbomb having as big a June as he always does? Then I might have to eat my hat that he was overrated in the preseason. Luckily, I’m wearing a big tortilla chip cowboy hat.

Nick Castellanos – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .208. Greek God 87.7 MPH Contact! Hmm, it doesn’t have the same ring.

Christopher Sanchez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.83. Don’t see how you can bench him until his ERA is 3. That’s a shout out to people who question whether they should start him. Hello, you!

Braxton Garrett – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.56. I watched it and there was some help here that made his line meh vs. eh. Very average. Don’t think that’s a sign that you’re moving forward, but this start was not.

Jesus Sanchez – 2-for-5, and his 3rd homer. The Marlins scored a lot of runs (for them), you look at their lineup to see who did something good and it’s like 30 minutes have passed since they ate the Chinese.

Yu Darvish – 3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.20. He was lifted after 66 pitches, only to be able to throw 133 pitches the next time around. OK? No? Oh, I see. He was suffering from a painful hammer.

Ha-Seong Kim – 1-for-3 with his 7th homer, hitting .214 out of the 9-hole. 9-hole is a porn of “flesh light found in trash.”

David Peterson – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, as he returns from hip surgery. He will no longer swing like a phat after cooldown and now he will say no cap. He has been a fan of Peterson for a while. The stuff is there, but the results aren’t even close. The guess is that the Mets are trades and Peterson will be part of their 2nd round pick, but I don’t know how you fit in yet.

Edwin Diaz – Click on the Inactive List. The funny thing is they thought they were actually preventing fake injuries. Any hoo! Reed Garrett and then Adam Ottavino, that’s how I would go for spec saves. Ottavino was first in the lineup, he even gave up 4 ER yesterday in 1/3 IP, which is painful in the league when I have him.

Jorge Lopez – 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 3.76 ERA, and, frustrated, threw his glove into the stands, called himself “the worst teammate on the worst team ever,” and was DFA. If I’m on the Mets and I hear someone say this and I get DFA’d, I’d say the same thing today. We all know Jorge is wanted by the Phils, and he’s going to post a 1.20 ERA the rest of the way. We know this, right?

Will Smith – 3-for-5, 3 runs, and his 8th and 9th homer, and 2nd and 3rd homer in two games. Look at this guy trying to be David Fry!

Shohei Ohtani – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer. Bang the over!

Gunnar Henderson – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 18th homer. The MVP! clap-clap! clap-clap!

Cutter Crawford – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.29. More like Kut him. I’m a child. This was a bad match, so take a breath and hope the next one is better.

Tyler O’Neill – Click IL. You, sir, are not Austin Riley! He has never had ILs and is only coming back 13 days after his injury.

Spencer Schwellenbach – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. I just gave you my dream of Spencer Schwellenbach. I watched him, because I like to get angry with rookie fever, and I was not disappointed. 97 pumping, 87 sliding, and daddy cooks with change. He is very interesting here, and I have him in mixed leagues with 15 teams, but he plays one role in 12 teams.

Ramon Laureano – Signed with the Braves. Kelenic is hitting .143 vs. lefties, so they brought in Laureano, who was hitting .143 vs. everyone.

MacKenzie Gore – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.91. How do you treat the one who sleeps in Gore? Yummo or ditch him because you want to hear something?

Lane Thomas – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (3) and a double (12, 13). Time missed and still going with 30+ bags. An emoji standing in the buff touching his legendary team’s place where Lane Thomas sits.

Shota Imanaga – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 1.86. Wow, the Regression Fairies are racist! Jokes aside (was that a joke?), see what people are now thinking about Shota vs. literally two days ago. Two days ago, “I’ll give you JRod for Shota.” Hmm…Nah! Today, “I will give you Shota of–” I don’t want him.

Ian Happ – 2-for-4 with his 5th homer, 3 homers in four games, and about as locked in as anyone right now. Are you available? You shouldn’t.

Christian Yelich – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. Thank you son. I mean–Excuse me, I was looking for his mother.

Willy Adams – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. He almost homered in the last game, but Cody Bellinger robbed him (while smoking a spliff).

Blake Perkins – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and his third hit of the week, which isn’t bad. More like Blank Perkins! Damn, he won’t recover.

Luis Gil – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.99. Trying to enjoy it while it lasts. Too bad he can’t throw 220 IP this year. I’m not even sure he can throw 120 IP.

Alex Verdugo – 1-for-4 with his 8th homer. You have no idea when it goes on, but wouldn’t you rather find out where he is on your fantasy team?

Logan O’Hoppe – 1-for-4 with his 6th homer, hitting .259. However, Luis Rengifo (2-for-4, hitting .343) has 30 at-bats since qualifying for the hitting title, and leads the majors.

George Kirby – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.08 vs. Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.26. The guy you left for dead (Justin) has an ERA about eighty points lower than the guy you want to be your ace.

Seth Lugo – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.72. Love this guy, so don’t take this the wrong way, but be prepared to get down. It will come when you least expect it.

Nelson Velazquez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homers, hitting .224. I wrote a sleeper post for him, so you know I love him. I’d rather say the cleanup hitter for the Royals yesterday was Adam Frazier. The Royals are too good to see other teams poorly organized to try and catch them.

Bailey Ober – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.89. Like Ober, but he’s done. Look elsewhere, unless you like losing your league to guys who should be better but aren’t.

Alek Manoah – Yesterday’s onset of elbow discomfort. I wished for diseases and heaped scorn on the great man for 18 months straight, but that sucks. Right then he thought he shizz out.

Dane Dunning – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.94. This was last year’s World Series DBacks/Rangers rematch, a classic you’ve already 100% forgotten about. That each of these teams is under .500 means baseball. It’s predictable as a toddler race with more shizz.

Corey Seager – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, and his 2nd homer in two games, 4th homer in three games, 6th homer this week, and he’s not David Fry, but who? Seager’s last week is actually a good example of why I tend to dislike him, and why I say how important it is to steal a player’s game for fantasy value. Check out the Player Rater for the last 7 days. Seager is doing well, but he’s nowhere near as exciting as you might think given how many homers he hit last week.

TJ Friedl – 0-for-3 as activated from IL. I’m trying to stay positive, because I need him in the same league where I have him, but this reads to me as a guy who’s coming back too soon from a broken thumb, and he’s not going to be good for a while. I hope I’m wrong and you have Predator blood.

Frankie Montas – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.60. Eagle FM with absolutely no static (against one of the worst programs, and Streamonator rightfully hates the next one).

Nolan Gorman – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, and his 2nd homer in two games, and the 2nd day in a row that I’ve said he’s hot and the first day I’ve said this.

Matt Carpenter – 1-for-3 with his first homer. Nice to see Matt Carpenter still successful in 2016-[intern whispers in ear]-What year is it? Hmm, apparently, buying old calendars is not a good way to save money.

Andre Pallante – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.94. Andre 3000 > Andre 3.94 ERA.


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