“Hey, I was walking in this mall when I came to your store. I’ve heard of Big ‘n Tall stores before but this is my first time at Tight ‘n Rumpy. It seems like all you sell is…pants? Is that so? What is that? Oh, sorry, everything you sell it is strong pants. It’s interesting. But–excuse the pun–are the pants tight or loose depending on the caboose? These magic pants? Whether you’re swinging on the back porch and your pants are tight? Wow, I would love to try a pair! What is that? They look like underwear and you can’t try them on? That’s pretty dumb. I would expect better from someone who is more interested in the bum. Who is your boss? Let me talk to your Tight ‘n Rumpy boss! I want to talk-” He got out and left Robbie Ray. “So, that’s where you were! Here I thought he was rehabbing Tommy John surgery. Were you doing that too? Is it any wonder I’ve held a one-sided conversation for so long? No? Good!” So, Robbie Ray and his Tight ‘n Rumpy pants are on the road to recovery. He had his first rehab start the other day, and he was averaging 94.1 MPH and touching 95 on his fastball, which was 92.9 last year and 93.4 MPH the year before. Daddy’s Tight Pants are back, baby! And he is about to return. He could return as a top 20 starter. The giants said he will retire for three weeks and we will see where he is. So, another two weeks, that is, he’ll be back right after the All-Star Break or my name isn’t Grey–Ugh, I’m sorry, one second, I can’t breathe in these pants. Anyone have scissors to remove them? Anyway, here are some players you can buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
CUT IT! This post was released on Wednesday to Patreon members. It will be released year round on Patreons, so if people are jumping on you, it’s because they paid $10. Anyway, Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell:
BUY
Ben Rortvedt – Something about the “rtv” in the middle of the word makes it impossible to spell. I would challenge one of those little 8-year-olds (whores?) to “Rortvedt off.” However, Ben it was beating well.
Kyle Higashioka – From Rortvedt to Higashioka, here you are changing to the children of the spelling bees. Go, Vikram, I’m a master speller! (I needed auto-correct from a pro.) I just went to look at Higashioka’s season numbers and they’re ridiculously bad, but he’s been hot.
Mitch Garver – A shopping week that holds three, or as I like to call it, a self-inflicted headache.
Michael Toglia – [waiter holds a bottle of red schmotato wine] From Toglia region? My favorite!
Gabriel Arias – It’s Arias’ age! Twenty four.
Jonkensy Noel – I just gave you a Jhonkensy Noel fantasy. Well if it’s fun!
@razzballfantasy How would you pronounce the new guards name, Jhonkensy Noel? Good Morning – Kanye West
Spencer Horwitz Here’s what I said the other day, “I haven’t taken Horwitz seriously, because anyone who sounds like my accountant I can’t take seriously.” Also, he’s kind of interesting in the big picture, not the micro, because he’s a first-tool guy, meaning he might hit .290 and 10/10 in 162 innings. It’s better in the deeper leagues. than shallow, and he is fighting the left. Well, maybe that happens a little bit more if the Jays sell out in July. ” And I am the one you are quoting!
Alec Burleson – I try to keep buys at 50% planned or less, but Burleson is at 72% and should be at 100%. I’m sorry, chop-chop! Let’s go!
Tyler Black – Bet gets mixed league radars — “Did someone say ‘bet?’” Not now, Tucupita Marcano! – but I’m not sure he’s on the mixed league radar yet. I think he becomes more interesting later because he has 40+ steal speed.
Daniel Schneemann – I know he was playing and hitting, so I expected his stats to be amazing. I was not surprised. His minor league numbers don’t look too bad, but he was old for a minor leaguer. [Not Like Us plays, Drake lowers his head]
Dylan Moore – I do not say that D. Moore is 10, but he was easily better than Bo.
Isiah Kiner-Falefa – Because I was checking the Player Rater to make sure that my Moore / 10 / Bo joke was followed literally, I realized that the Israeli Diner Falafel was better than Bichette and, again, my God, I hate Pieceofchette. He is very bad! The Israeli Diner Falafel was hotter than the chickpeas it was made from, so this isn’t about that. Pieceofchette though? You get lost in mixed leagues. He is scary.
Brendan Donovan – From sending Pieceofchette to BDon, what is this? The Razzball podcast?
Jonathan India – Since Friedl is out – is there an echo? I feel like I’ve heard that before. – India has been batting forward. And he was better than Pieceofchette too! Okay, I’ll stop now.
Colt Keith – For all the men in this post, I look at their overall statistics, even if this is about what they have done recently. Usually when I look at their overall stats, I yawn a lot. With that (Grey is about to turn this ship around!), Keith’s numbers show more promise than I expected.
Brooks Lee – Finally, the old man from Shawshank Redemption shines! Brooksly is a 25/.280 hitter if the Twins ever decide to call him up.
Mark Vientos – If you were happy with Brooksly, Vientos is doing that right now. In fact, he’s on pace approaching .35/.280. Also, I just gave you the dream of Mark Vientos.
Jose Miranda – You have the right to remain silent until you pick up Miranda. If you need a hot-hitting 3rd baseman.
Josh H. Smith – Josh Jung was Wally Pipp’d by another Josh. Luckily for Jung, he has Ezequiel in Pipp. Are you, Joshie?
Heston Kjerstad – I just gave you my Heston Kjerstad dream. It was written while saying, “Oh okay,” while you weren’t paying attention.
James Wood – Being called on Monday. Yes, I was going to catch him. Yes, even in your league. You have already given me my James Wood dream. It still matters, because I have experience, snitches.
Jesus Sanchez – If you see the Vatican blowing white smoke, it means it has named Jesus the hot new schmotato.
Is Brennan – Do you know how good his plate discipline is? Guess his strike rate. Okay, now we cut it in half. Then it’s in the middle again. Damn, Brennan might be on the 2025 roster.
Leody Taveras – Guards don’t steal a lot of sacks – see Wyatt Langford again – but Leody is still running a bit* this year. (*A tad. A skosh. A teeny weeny.)
Hunter Goodman – I hesitate to recommend taking a Rockies hitter in home games, and they’re currently on the road, but Goodman has been hot again for the White Sux this weekend.
Harrison Bader – You may have been inspired by the sweet nectar of revenge against the Yankees, but how do you know if you don’t try one? I sound like Willy Wonka with hot schmotatoes.
Joey Loperfido – How long are the hit rates normal because Loperfido has wacky nuts, hooboy, what are you doing? The Astros brought it up. There is no reason to stress. Chillax, and stop swinging at everything. (I’m a hitting coach now.)
Aaron Civale – This is a Streamonator call, just like the call you make at your local carpet store.
Lance Lynn – This is also a Streamonator call. “Your shag carpeting is very dangerous. I was caught by the wheels of my legs and almost fell.”
Chad Green – Kinda excited about Green. He has been hitting very well; Romano and Yimi are injured; The Jays won’t buy a closer at the deadline; semicolons are nice.
Keegan Thompson – Do you know what the Cubs pen sounds like? They’ll just go back to Neris for cash until they trade Tanner Scott. They went to Porter Hodge yesterday. You know Porter Hodge, right? He works in that luxury hotel in the 1870s.
Reed Garrett – Edwin Diaz is out for about a week due to being caught with something sticky on his hands. Thankfully, he also didn’t use the excuse of fertility drugs.
Sean Hjelle – I’m looking at Jared Koenig for middle relief this week. Koenig worried me so he went with Hjelle. This sentence will not be out of place for the buyer at Ikea. “The Koenig lamp only comes in white, that’s why I went with Hjelle. I love the color brown.”
Sell it
Jazz Chisholm Jr. – This is more of a feeling. The Marlins are one of the worst teams ever assembled. Their bats were labeled MIA for Miami, but ended up as Missing In Action. Their lives are even worse. They are done. They might be lucky to go 110 games unbeaten. A guy who seems completely out of Jazz. He spends the afternoon talking to his agent about selling him. On top of that, his BABIP is high, he hasn’t been on the field in years, and why is he risking his body to steal bags when the Marlins are down seven runs per game? Jazz Chisholm Jr. hitting 20/20/.250 who has never gone 20/20, but he’s also on a team that can’t inspire Tony Robbins. I wouldn’t trade Jazz Chisholm Jr. for a piece of piss cake but I would go to our Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and check out the options.
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