You’re going to say, “C’mon, Grey, you dress it up, like you’re wearing a shirt that goes well with your beautiful face,” but I was at the art gallery yesterday and I was looking at this piece of (f. )art there Robert Gasser was called:
Five boys and five girls, that’s what you call synergy. I swear I won’t pull a finger. Something in the air, you might say, at the right time. Fartgiest, if you will. So, Robert Gasser has helium. Here’s Itch, “At 6”0″ 192 lbs with a low 90’s fastball, Robert Gasser passes with craftiness and command of a versatile arsenal, a combination he rode to a 9-1 record and 3.79 ERA across the -135.1 innings mostly on unforgiving pitches. A 1.28 WHIP isn’t great, but allowing a 0.80 HR/9 in that setting is fine. Can a slider, curveball, changeup lefty thrive in our game? I think so. Milwaukee makes its bread and butter in bringing up guys like Gasser, and to make bread and butter you need a knife, and I can think of other ways to use it.” Uh, okay. Gasser has been in Triple-A for three years, which is ridiculously stupid. You start guys like Joe Ross and destroy MiLB’s arms? That’s right. This year has not been particularly kind to Gasser. Order in the pot, homer up, but the Ks are still good. In most mixed leagues, I would wait and see if this isn’t the start or if Gasser leaves you in the crapper. Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jake Bauers – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer. Ah, now I see why they brought Tyler Black down–NO I DON’T! Who starts a guy’s watch in the majors, then completely destroys their confidence by sending them down after hitting him for the third time?
Joey Ortiz – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer, hitting .267, and not playing anywhere near everyday, because they traded Corbin Burnes for Ortiz. I think the Brewers front office may need to be taken hostage.
Rhys Hoskins – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. Fun fact! Ho’skins is the name of the condom that stayed in your purse for three years in high school.
Wilson Contreras – He underwent successful surgery. It was originally out for 6-8 weeks, but got a new 10 week schedule. Guessing has been a success in quotes.
Sonny Gray – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 2.29. My teams were hit hard this week by the Regression Fairies, like a young guy in the first few minutes of an episode of Queer Eye.
Logan Gilbert – 4 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 2.94. People get confused when I say don’t draw top pitchers somehow I know they will be bad. I don’t want to. I’m just saying that all pitchers, great and not great, have an insane amount of flexibility. Gilbert had one bad inning yesterday and now he will need the first few weeks to shake off that stink. The hitter is having a bad game….shooting, bad week, whatever. Gilbert had a bad time with the order and everything went wrong.
Max Kepler – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .329. Wait a week and he’ll tag in IL and go back to Buxton or Lewis. Twins beat carous-IL. Honestly, I almost wrote a Kepler sleeper post this past preseason, but I thought that would be a complete yawn. He looks like a solid backend player.
Ryan Jeffers – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .306. Once again, the punting catcher in the text proves to be the method, the Mandolarians.
Pablo Lopez – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.89. The low Buyout window may close soon, if ever, but he’s much closer to a 2.89 ERA pitcher than a 3.89.
Eduardo Rodriguez – The hurling ceremony is near. Dude had a recent problem that took longer to heal than broken wrists. Do EdRod and Casas go to the same doctor, and is that Dr. That Spaceman?
Joc Pederson – 3-for-5, 2 runs and a slam (4) and a walk (1), hitting .302. Dan Cortese has been rocking Joc, why not? Because you are a platoon player? Okay, okay.
Paul Sewald – 1 IP, 0 ER, 4.50 ERA and his first save. Yes, Torey Luvollo of Road Rules remembered that he has a close life.
Slade Cecconi – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.15. The Streamonator has Slade, uh, slate, heading home to face a similar Reds line-up. It’s always tricky when a guy sees the same show again. Do they get used to it? And I’m not talking about their protective lips.
Jeimer Candelario – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer, and five of his last nine. I wanted to say this the other day, Jeimer tails he will come off his early season slump. He won’t be here for this afternoon’s Buy column, but he would be if he wasn’t here right now.
Hunter Greene – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners (5 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 3.38. You know I’m talking about Greene. Pound for pound or Euro for Euro, you have some of the worst. Sadly, I don’t have an item category.
Brenton Doyle – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. It’s pretty weird not to be interested in all the Rockies hitters, even if they’re on Coors.
Michael Conforto – 2-for-3 with his 7th homer, and second homer in the last two games. I’d say schmotato but he was on Coors so he beat the possible heat.
Keaton Winn – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.63. Did you start Kyle Harrison and Jordan Hicks at Coors this week? Then try Winn? [smacks hand] Stop drowning! He is the Augustus Gloop of fantasy baseball.
Anthony Volpe – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. It was a solid draft pick. Speaking of the Yanks, again, no offense, but is Gleyber retired?
Aaron is the judge – 1-for-4 with his 9th homer, hitting .236. I gave the Judge as much of a wink as anyone and I think I was startled for no reason. He’s having one hot week leading the majors in homers and hitting a respectable .260.
Marcus Stroman – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.80. Something that may not be true but feels right: Stroman always finishes within 0.15 of a 3.70 ERA.
Ronel Blanco – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 2.23. Entering yesterday’s game, he was the 18th best player on Player Rater, ahead of Trevor Williams. That’s the funniest shizz I’ve ever said. Trevor Effin’ Williams!
Jordan Alvarez – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 8th homer. 42 more! Am I too optimistic this time? No! How about you!
Jon Singleton – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Singleton hasn’t been in the spotlight since he went on a Cheech ‘n Chong double feature. He will be shopping in the afternoon because of course he will come in.
Jose Ramirez – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, 3rd homer this week, and 3rd time this week I say back in March you were very good at drafting JoJoRam with your second pick.
Josh Naylor – 2-for-4 with his 10th homer, hitting .277. It’s Josh Yaylor for you!
Erick Fedde – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, 3.00 ERA vs. Ben Lively – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks, 2.63 ERA. This comparison was billed as, “Party in Spanish, because Lively con Fedde.”
Vinnie Pasquantino – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Pasketti don’t forget the way hitti!
Dairon Blanco – 3-for-3, 4 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (1) and a double (9, 10). That’s good for one person you have in the league. What I would like to ask you is: Did Luis Rengifo ever exist? I made him in my head? He used to play, didn’t he?
Michael Wacha – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (5 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 5.15. Like I said yesterday, look at the Angels roster and tell me why you don’t start anyone against that dreck. It has Willie Calhoun and Cole Tucker, two guys who could be DFA’d by 29 other teams.
Reid Detmers – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.96. His name is the same as Mr. Tired Seed, complete. “Honey, let’s do dirty things.” “Sorry, baby, I started the Angels jar and now I’m Mr. Tired Seed.”
Luis Guillorme – Sold to the Angels. Wow…Angels are fixed. Guillorme asked and was given Trout’s number. People around the clubhouse called him the Captain and Ron Washington said the list “looked at Luis.”
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