Folx, it’s RazzBowl time! I know it’s SEO death to start a baseball article with a major league ad, but we’re in the abyss of fantasy baseball and the draft season is starting. If you’re at the RazzBowl with me, feel free to shout. If you publicly hate football (like Gray) but secretly love the team on the opposite coast named the Dolphins (like Gray), let me know who you cheer for in the comments. Everyone else in need of a hot supplement? Take a look below! We have some helpful players and familiar faces this week.
That’s What I Like
Max Schuemann (OAK, SS, 28% Draft): When all else fails, pick up where you left off, right? I highlighted Schuemann in my last article where I highlighted the players and I didn’t just tell you to add Robbie Ray by leaving. But no one listened – this guy got some movement but he didn’t go anywhere. What has Schuemann done in his last 10 games to deserve a second look? A .371 average and 177 wRC+, plus a slam and legs. “One homer and a steal in a week? That’s a cold fish, EWB”, I hear you say with a mouthful of clam chowder left over from your Fourth of July cookout. A slam and a leg a week adds up to a 25/25 player over the course of a season, baby. There are plenty of shortstops in the middle — Thairo Estrada is somehow still listed at 80% and has 3 hits all month and just hit IL. JP Crawford is 50% edited and has the same story as several other hits. Schuemann is still stuck in the nine hole but his ability to get on base and get a home run by Lawrence Butler (100% Rostered, unforch) is all you want.
Nolan Schanuel (LAA, 1B, 27% Draft): It’s come to this, eh? Your team is so eager that you replace your interior with Athletics and Angels. It’s like Coolwhip’s childhood dream! I was a big fan of RBI Baseball (RBI Baseball 2, of course!) and like every other warm-blooded city kid of the 90s, I lined up Rickey and McGwire and Canseco — I don’t even need their full names, you know them — and ‘went out against what dump pot can i get. I’m going out. Schanuel is the first overall pick from last year, which means in Razzball terms he’s generally 150% his own while still in the minors hitting .150 and dealing with leg weaknesses on both sides. There is something wrong with Cosmos because here he is at a high level, ranked in the top 30 players this past month, and no one is taking bronze. Don’t like his .309/.436/.481 split last month? Three dongs and two legs? Maybe we’d better run that last sentence through the style guide. Editor Truss – is there a better way to talk about three dongs and two legs? If so, enter your statement here. (No, it’s over! – The truss) Readers — I know I told you to draft Carlos Santana and Ryan O’Hearn earlier this year, but that was before the rookies were called up. We have Schanuel in the majors and he is great. If you’re stuck with a crappy 1B or you’re still waiting for Matt Olson to find himself, go out and grab Schanuel and save your team’s playoff run.
Robbie Ray (SF, SP, 1% Scheduled): It’s about time, Razzfolx. You he knew I couldn’t go long without telling you to add my best friend. Editor Truss, please make a bold illustration of this article behind Robbie with a strong tone. kthxbayi. (DONE! Even Freddie Freeman can’t take his eyes off that glorious badonk, peep those calves, I mean. Ray clearly doesn’t skip a leg day.) Ray just came back from Tommy John surgery, which means he has 14 months to practice for a Halo 2 speedrun and make out with whatever god he wants in his life. Ray had a way of doing the job: starts with the Dbacks, gets hit in the head by a line drive and somehow finishes the year in good shape before spending a few seasons with the yips. He’s considered, gets a contract, and then the inevitable for all kinds of hard breaking balls: a visit to Dr. Freeze. Loyal readers of my column know that we can’t expect too much from Tommy John returners — they usually close the inning and aren’t allowed to fully extend their returns. Often, TJ returners have focused so much on their arms and core strength in the recovery that they end up experiencing something like a strained calf or turf toe in their recovery, which further limits their workload. That said, the Giants are in the wild card race, and Fangraphs has given them an 18% chance to make the playoffs. That’s almost identical to the Angels last year when they decided to keep Ohtani and make the playoffs. And it’s probably higher than the D-backs’ chances of making it to the World Series. Strange things have happened. The Giants have Ray under a long-term contract, and ironically, Ray could opt out this year. So, there’s an interesting synergy – both the Giants and the Rays have a lot of incentive to do it very well at the end of the season. WHEY. He looked fantastic in his return last week, and now you have an incentive to add him this week. Your team needs a launcher, and R^2 is back, and all is right with the world.
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