It was a long, strange journey during the month of April (a total of seven starts) for me Mitch Keller a sleeper before the season. Whenever a sleeper does something bad, I suspect waking up. He wasn’t awake, but maybe that was due to deep sleep. I marked a sleeping person after all. Was I begging too much, on my hands and knees, to wake the eff up? (I said the preceding like I’m Christopher Walken. Go back and read it again. And you’ll see.) So, maybe the May thang, I thought as I watched Mitch Keller throw a complete game yesterday — 9 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. He started the game with a 5.18 ERA and 3.4 BB/9 (not good for him), and finished it with a 2.9 BB/9 and a 4.44 ERA. I’m not saying all is well and we’re back on the Keller Express, the next stop is Funsiesville, but it shows you how early it is. Another good start from Keller and he’ll be right there when we thought we were drafting him, which is, it was a woof but he can go back to Old Keller. Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Edward Olivares – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer. Now put him on the bench for five days, and bring him into the defensive position on the sixth day. Who are we kidding, Olivares hit a home run and was replaced by Suwinski who hit .176 in the same game!
Zach Neto – 1-for-3 with his 3rd homer, hitting .239. Do you notice that Zacharias is not there? What about that? [deafening silence] That’s right.
Mason Black – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, as called up by the Giants. His parents failed him. Paintit was there for you to get the first word. Or Whoyacallin. That might lead to some fights, which is great! Son, this world is hard and if a man is successful, he must be hard. The Little Black Man in the Dark. Here’s what Itch said earlier, “It’s pitch-pitch, three-quarter from the 6’3” Black, but if his command is up to par, he gets an extra pitch or two on the fastball/slider combo because he knows it. work inside and out, up and down. Stealing the backdoor lefty slider, in particular, gives him an edge against them because he can also reverse the pitch to deliver punch-outs with two-strike counts. Although he struggled a bit in 60.2 innings at Triple-A, Black was the minor league player of the year in 2023 and should show up early in 2024. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I plan to poison Grey’s boba. .” What the heck? So, I put Black in the top 100 starters at the last minute in March, because he looked strong, and then they signed Blake and Blake beat Black back. Check me out, I finished that sentence without a two hour delay. Black is still a broadcaster for now, apparently.
Zack Wheeler – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 1.64. Wow, Giants are bad too. We have a constant battle of bad teams against good teams and the bad teams are starting to beat the good teams. Not in games, but just in volume. It is easy to count the number of good programs. Let’s see in the NL: Phils, Dodgers, DBacks, Padres, Braves, and Cubs. Am I missing any good NL shows? Brewers? Meh, I think. What is that, less than half of NL?
Bryce Harper – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. I would be twice as Bryce as before!
Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer, hitting .212. Schwarbomber will hit 50+, right?
Joe Kelly – Hit the IL with a shoulder strain. Either way, but with Evan Phillips injured, this reinforces Daniel Hudson’s understanding of the job at hand. dot dot.
Alex Vesia – 1 IP, 0 ER, 1.56 ERA and his first save, and Blake Treinen (1 IP, 0 ER) was brought in for the 8th inning and Daniel Hudson was brought in after the game to chat with some fans, letting off a big lather. fingers. You know, things that someone you’re not close to does.
Teoscar Hernandez – 2-for-4 with his 9th homer, 2nd homer in as many games, and 3rd homer in four games. Mr. Bungled Teoscar in the preseason very badly. He was very important, and I didn’t write him anywhere. Teoscar for the Great Idiot? Not for me, I don’t have Teoscars.
Shohei Ohtani – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and a slam (11) and a double (8, 9). Before next season, there’s going to be people who are still like, “Meh, I don’t know, he’s not fit.” Yeah, you can’t freely pick on guys like Nick Gordon.
James Outman – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. I’ve forgotten he was there, and I have him on the team, so that’s a very bad sign.
Walker Buehler – 4 IP, 3 ER, as activated from IL. Good news, he was able to throw 77 pitches. Better news, he doesn’t need a third Tommy John surgery just yet.
Jake Burger – 0-for-4 as activated from IL. Finally my Keto diet is getting some variety.
Nick Gordon – 1-for-3 with his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!
Alex Wood – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.30. I won’t lie, I’m spreading Wood, like my name’s Balsa, baby!
Corey Seager – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .227. You know I just said above that I forgot Outman was there? Seager has picked 100 before him and has the same number so far.
Bryse Wilson – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.40. Not to spread him, I don’t think about it, because I know as soon as I get him, he will blow up all my groups.
Michael Massey – 1-for-3 with his 3rd homer, 3rd homer of the week. “Take it, it’s yours.” That’s Maikel Garcia giving Massey a Bowl of Hot Schmotato.
Cole Ragans – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.38. Before this game, Ragans was the 71st best starter on Player Rater. This doubt motivated him greatly.
Justin Steele – 4 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 0.96, since activated from IL. Kevin from ESPN’s Get Him in Your Editing Department said, “The escalator says Schlinder, is that like he’s on the list of people?”
Christopher Morel – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (8) and walks (4), also, as his 17th homer this month. Sorry, Dave Winfield, Morel is the new Mr May. Standby for June sell.
Yu Darvish – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.94. It’s not funny how funny it is that Darvish has become such a boring starter after all those years of ridiculous dominance. Hmm, I tried to do something there but it didn’t work. Dominatitude sounds like the name of the Nats’ mascot.
Simeon Woods-Richardson – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.74. I gave you my Simeon Woods-Richardson dream, and nothing has really changed. I love him; I like all Twins pitching prospects, but this was also a solid game. (Internal monologue is, “They’re all good matchups, Brent.” Because there are a lot of bad hitting teams.)
Brandon Nimmo – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 4th homer. Nimmo got one!
Sean Manaea – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K, vs. Kyle Gibson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, 3.68 ERA. This combination was called, “Jesus Hayzeus and Carfax, don’t make me say anything good about these guys, but that doesn’t mean they won’t be useful in fiction. Are you happy? That was a good thing.”
Riley Greene – 1-for-5 with his 9th homer. My biggest sleeper call? Well, I’ve had a few big ones, but this one isn’t bad so far!
Jack Flaherty – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.86. Bit surprised there weren’t more K’s. What is the opposite of “Flaherty will get you everywhere?” That’s it.
Triston McKenzie – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.97. It’s straight out of the public theater of Forrest Gump, where McKenzie plays with a feather, and walks into the fire. You can’t start a fire without a spark from two branches, which brings us back to McStickzie. Oh, his peripherals look bad, too, fast. I’m too scared to start him.
Johnny DeLuca – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his first homer, and his 4th game played. So, Lowe (beat em-effin’ Simon here) is back, and DeLuca played center yesterday, which is important, because Siri has been the CF for the Rays so far. Maybe Siri gave the plumber’s address when asked what Amanda Plumber’s last movie was and Kevin Cash ended up bored! DeLuca has great potential – strength, speed, he can connect with decent people – but what held him back was playing time. When he has PT, he immediately becomes enthusiastic.
Tommy Pham – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his second homer, hitting .282. Wham, bam, thank you, Pham!
Mike Clevinger – 2 IP, 3 ER as mentioned above. He clearly misses his friend Zach Plesac. I wonder where you are…[phone rings] Hello? Plesac? What’s up man? You in the cuzzi and the other in the koozie trying to get the Postmates dude’s attention with your pineapple? Damn man, that’s crazy. Okay, it’s too late.
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