The hottest team in the world, the Pittsburgh Pirates, line up everyone with a bat and give them orders. “We have to be aggressive! We need to move forward with basics like in real life! Practice with me now! Going forward!” And they all went off the plank. It’s not often that I like to make two groups alike on back-to-back days, but Tobias Myers (8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.13) silenced one of the hottest teams, and now I have to sit, fold my hands, and listen with my eyes. [shoves eyes on Myers highlights, tries closed captioning] How does one listen to your eyes? Any hoo! Tobias Myers has a low ball rate of 7.8 K/9, 2.5 BB/9, and 38.5%, which is, I think I understand why I got sonvabenched yesterday. I didn’t trust his numbers on Monday when I looked at the matchups, and I still don’t really trust him. He has the last five pitches hitters are uneven, but a 92 MPH fastball and iffy peripherals so far, makes me think he got the 1927 Pirates some night. Broadcaster? Okay, but I’ll be careful about letting your thoughts lead you to believe Tobias. Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Rhys Hoskins – 1-for-5 with his 14th homer. [looking at my preseason bet ticket of Hoskins leading MLB in homers] You only need to score 18 over the Judge in the 2nd round. I’m already spending my winnings!
Willy Adams – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 14th homer. Do you know that Richard’s nickname is Dick? It has to be Willy. I will have no questions about this announcement.
Reed Garrett – Hit IL because of his elbow. The MRI technician said, “Mets, right? What took you so long?”
Brandon Nimmo – 1-for-4 with his 16th homer. He was the Babe Ruth of June and July. Call him Mr Junly.
Luis Severino – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.78. It was a simple Streamonator call, and his next—Oh, Break.
Ben Rice – 0-for-4 as he hit clean. Welp, leadoff, cleanup, it all works for me! You don’t have to be gluten-free to serve Rice Flowers!
Zach Eflin – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.99. Buy strong lows before they sell out. Playing a bit. I don’t think he is trading, but he is a buy low. He allowed nine walks in 99 1/3 IP. That’s good Eflin.
AJ Smith-Shawver – Made for children. Well, the W next to the V in his name is always beyond my eyes.
Charlie Morton – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.07. He used to be trusty old Chazz Salt. Mr. Ground Chuck. Solid Standby Morton’s. Now I don’t even want to look at his line after I started him in a deep league.
Jordan Lawler – He is out for six to eight weeks after the hamstring injury. Missing an entire year, because of a hamstring, is wild. I have no words. And brother?
Eugenio Suarez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in four games. It looks like the guy who couldn’t hit the wide end of the bullpen with his bat until last week is hot. I just realized that Eugenio’s batting average is the same as Corbin Carroll’s. Man, he’s cruel.
Ketel Marte – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 18th homer. I’ve grown to appreciate and trust Ketel this season, even though I don’t have him on the same freakin’ team. No hate! Only love!
Ernie Clement – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Yes, just like anyone you pick up. Mom.
Chris Bassitt – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 3.52. His walk is very pleasant this year. Is anyone else talking about Bassitt’s departure? Well, except for your dog walker.
Logan Webb – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.47. My top 10 or so who will appear in next week’s top 100 were either moved or injured last week. It’s very funny.
Matt Chapman – 1-for-5 with his 13th homer, hitting .241. He’s having a great year, and is almost 300 spots higher on Player Rater than Bo Pieceofchette.
Christopher Morel – 1-for-4 with his 16th homer. I love Morel, and I have to make sure it’s not just magic. You need to do some research.
Cody Bellinger – Beans on this hand, he pointed to the x-rays on his middle finger. The finger he prefers to give to his fantasy owners.
Shota Imanaga – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.97. I don’t know what you’re going to do from start to finish. More often, fine, but I’d be lying if I had confidence. It’s his first season. We sympathize.
Tanner Bibee – 7 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.77. On the other hand, I want him to be better. On the other hand, I have no problem with him lowering his price for next year. On the other hand which is actually a Hamburger Helper, I don’t have him in any leagues so my priorities are not the typical Bibee owner.
Matt Vierling – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer. She called him yesterday. Gray got the magic touch!
Reese Olson – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.30. He’s having a pretty good season in terms of ratings, but it shows you how this all changes when you realize he can be as good as Seth Lugo or as bad as Pablo Lopez.
Joey Loperfido – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his second homer, hitting 9. Hey, one love, but he doesn’t play anywhere near everyday, and I had to move on.
Bryce Miller – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 1 K, ERA at 3.63 vs. Michael King – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.41. The Miller/King matchup was just short of Cody Bellinger this time being High Life.
Christopher Sanchez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.96. Without Betts in the lineup and Will Smith resting, the Dodgers have three bats in their lineup.
Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-4 with his 18th homer, hitting .250. Interestingly, he is hitting for a better average this year and five fewer players than he was last year. Anyway, he had an IL stint. Any hoo! I think this doesn’t mean anything. It’s just embarrassing!
Bobby Miller – Sent to children. He has been hurt so much for a year that people forget how big this is. Big Booby Miller, indeed.
Gavin Stone – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.26. Great for Phils/Dodgers to give people a preview of the NLCS.
Sam Hilliard – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his first and second homer. My 2021 sleeper baby doesn’t look so bad!
Frankie Montas – 7 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.38. Broadcasting against the Rockies I get a bad case of the skins.
Jonathan India – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Thank you, India (not sung like Alanis Morissette).
Tyler Stephenson – 2-for-4 with his 8th homer, 2nd homer in as many games. Tyler up, tie me down!
Nick Pivetta – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.18. It would be a cheap buy. It may also be the last cry for help from a wound.
Leody Taveras – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. You’ll be in Friday’s Buy column, but why wait for that hot schmotato alert?
Griffin Canning – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.84. He started her at home from time to time with surprisingly mixed results.
Mickey Moniak – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .198. How low does it make Moniak that he’s behind six guys who have been DFA’d by other teams? Okay, how much will it degrade him if the Angels DIE him?
Zach Neto – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .250. He also has six players DFA’d before him. Unlike Moniak, Neto is actually decent.
Salvador Perez – 3-for-7, 4 RBIs and his 15th and 16th homers. If he hits another home run in his next game, the odds that someone will mention Salvador Perez’s HOF chances increase by 2.7 percent. New from Statcast.
MJ Melendez – 2-for-8, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. He’s so lucky that it’s normal to have a .195 average today. Ten years ago, he would have been a sore thumb coming out with that rating.
Kyle Isbell – 2-for-3, 3 runs and slam (7) and walks (6), hitting .232. The difference between him and Corbin Carroll is that Isbel was not included in the top three overall.
Lars Nootbaar – 2-for-8, 2 runs and his 6th homer, hitting .235. Goodbye, Mr. Nootbaar!
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-8 with his 8th homer, as he was pitched in the six hole. Hey, I’m going to leave my prized possession, this Jewish sportsman’s pamphlet through this open window–NOOOOO!!! The Torenado!
Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-8, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, 2nd homer in as many games. Oh Shizz!
Alec Burleson – 2-for-8, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer. Do you think you make my top 100 for part 2 coming out next Tuesday? If you don’t think so, you haven’t been following my growing love for Burleson. I’m a bear because I love Burle, man!
Luis Robert Jr. – 1-for-7, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Could it be a top 10 in part 2? Yes. Will you do it? What am I, a freakin’ Magic Eight Ball?
Brooks Lee – 1-for-9 as he hit his 2nd homer, and hit a 2nd game DH. [drool forms in mouth, dribbles down to chin]
Erick Fedde – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.99. Fedde is like, “Please get me out of this group!”
Drew Thorpe – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.58. Random Streamonator guy has a better start than Pablo Lopez I’m so sick.
Pablo Lopez – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.11. He gave up a home run to Martin Maldonado. Martin Mal-as-in-bad-know-nada about hitting! What are we doing here with Lopez? Can I take out his star peripherals? I want to get off this ride.
Matt Wallner – 3-for-6 with his 3rd homer, second homer in two games. I almost wrote Wallner a preseason sleeper because he has so much potential and I love him. It’s five months later, and who is Wallner? No, baby. But he’s hitting the bottom of the order (maybe that changes) and he’s on a team that could change (which never changes for the Twins).
Bailey Ober – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.14. He threw a no-hitter through four innings, and I started writing the most brilliant thing you’ll ever read. Here it is, unedited, “Bailey Ober is the greatest–” Then he gave up a three-run homer.
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