yesterday, Francisco Lindor (4-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs) and Brandon Nimmo (3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs) with his 8th homer demonstrated one of the most important struggles in human history: The inability to hit save a life against and being touched by Grimace. I think we know the truth now. Grimace’s magical touch was mentioned as magic only by wise men after witnessing his healing powers. Grimace’s touch, as shown by the people on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, is the most powerful touch one could hope to experience in this world. Grimace’s touch elevates this world to the ethereal. Michelangelo, a famous Mets fan, painted the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel hoping to express Grimace’s touch but he used God, because no one would believe Grimace. His curves are very grape-like, even in the Renaissance period. The Mets are now better than the defending World Series champions, the Rangers, after Grimace was hit. Ignore his power at your peril!
Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
David Peterson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.97. Grimace runs up the wall like the Kool-Aid Man but doesn’t say oh yeah. “Save the theater!” shouts Kool-Aid.
John Gray – 3 IP, 9 ER, 3.31 ERA. I benched Reese Olson and Braxton Garrett, and started Jon Gray. Naturally! Hoisted by my own petard! Imagine thinking that someone would go to the Mets after being contacted by Grimace. The power of Grimace compels you!
Jacob deGrom – Released Monday for the first time since Tommy John surgery. I am sure that it will be clear that we are going back to heaven without any problems.
Carson Spiers – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, 3.20 ERA as he took the ball in his first start. He has been working out of a very successful pen, which is me speaking out loud for the reasons for the FAAB bids I saw him last Sunday. He works a 93 MPH changeup, 87 MPH, 82 MPH slider and an 88 MPH cutter — snuza. FAAB bids may have something to do with the price of a two-starter. Looks like a spot-starter, which I wouldn’t trust even if Streamonator likes him, which he doesn’t.
Paul Skenes – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.29. He may be the fastest starter ever to be drafted overall. You have a legitimate chance to get there next year. He can take flame-outs and he gets enough innings, but it happens. At worst he’s a top five finisher next year. That’s nuts.
Brandon Drury – 0-for-3 as activated from IL. Drury is a non-story actually I didn’t know he was in IL.
Zach Neto – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, 3rd homer of the week, as he continues his 7th hitting streak. Who will buy the Ron Washington blow and sign a note from Neto to get him promoted?
Zach Plesac – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K, in his first start of the year. Angels is the Island of Misfit Toys.
Johan Rojas – Made for children. The Phils going with Dahl, Pache, and Merrifield instead should put Johan Rojas to shame.
Trea Turner – 2-for-5, 1 run as activated from IL. Kevin from ESPN’s Get Him In Your Lineup Department said, “I’m not going to HR, that place in my khaki was aioli!”
Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 15th and 16th homers, hitting .253. Schwarber has 1,208 career homers as of June 17. Every day in June, he has at least 1,000 homers. I was worried in the preseason about Schwarber’s batting average, and the strikeouts, and I was the only one who hit that. He is on the cusp of a top 5 outfielder season on Player Rater. Tucker, Judge and Soto are clearly visible above him, but there is an open race for the fourth outfielder, and the Schwarbomber is ready to fly.
Christopher Sanchez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.91. I almost called him Topher and took the taste out of my mouth. Topher is the worst nickname of any name in history. And I include Richard’s dick. Any hoo! You know who Sanchez reminds me of? Stroman. Not elite Ks, high ground balls, and tight ratios.
Corbin Carroll – MRI on his left side was clean. Can they do an MRI on his right side? His shoulders? Legs? Everywhere in his body until they find a reason to suck?
Gerrit Cole – Will make his official return on Wednesday against the O’s, meaning Cole will be back on the diamond. Someone released an APB for the early fantasy drafters who took Cole in the first round and are now in fantasy football.
Anthony Rizzo – Beat IL with a broken arm. Are Cubs fans happy with the trade of souls that Rizzo, Baez and Bryant made for their 2016 championship? I think DJ LeMahieu is in the lead and Oswaldo Cabrera is in the third.
Hurston Waldrep – Hit IL with elbow pain. It’s interesting that they didn’t send him down first. I’m not sure what that means other than singing “Hurst so good,” now referring to his elbow.
Ozzie Albies – 1-for-4 with his 5th homer. That ties him with Kyle Higashioka for 168th on the home run leaderboard. The smiling emoji’s smile begins to crack and we see that it’s actually lipstick.
Reese Olson – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, 3.39 ERA. Sonavabench! Olson’s peripherals actually support him to be four to five starters, but not a ton of upside.
Braxton Garrett – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.35. Sonavabench! It wasn’t a good day for me, if you can tell. In more good news, Braxton’s peripherals say he should be much better with his fit. Winning is another beeswax. His teammate, AJ Puk? Moved to 0-8.
Sonny Gray – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.95. Every year Sonny Gray is quietly one of the best starters.
Masyn Winn – 2-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his fourth homer, hitting .295. At a 10/20/.290 season pace, that is, that Winn.
Miguel Rojas – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI as he hit the 7th, and took over at shortstop. On the subject of Miguel Vargas, the Dodger scribe said Rojas is their new shortstop without Betts, who received a 6- to 8-week timetable. What will Ohtani do without Beth? Read a book?
James Paxton – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.65. Well, I’m going to be sonavabenched by Bobby Miller on Wednesday, right? Who are you, Paxton? Not good this year. His record? 7-1. Ha.
Hunter Goodman – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, 3rd homer in three games, and at Coors all week. Hot schmotato alert!
Michael Busch – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and is hitting close to .330 in June. Also, in this game, Ian Happ (2-for-3, 3 RBIs) hit his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. When it’s hot in Wrigleyville, I’m screaming like the Festrunk brothers.
Hector Neris – 1 IP, 2 ER, 4.73 ERA, and his 4th save. I wonder if the Cubs know Tanner Scott.
Heliot Ramos – 2-for-5 with his 9th homer, and 3rd homer in four games. The hot schmotato didn’t die here.
Thairo Estrada – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .243. It was a mistake, but it should be. The symmetry.
Jordan Hicks – 5 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.82 vs. Javier Assad – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.75. This was a game called, “I really gave up on both of these guys early. None of them have 3 ERAs, what do I do?” This rating was for an audience of one.
I’m Garcia – Hit IL, dealing with elbow pain from his ulnar muscle. So, I made a mistake yesterday. I thought that Yimi just breastfed, but it turned out that she breastfed for a reason. Before you blame me, I know I didn’t know better. Ignorance. Everyone wants the new Jays to be Chad Green, and Jays manager Schneider, with a pack of cigarettes tucked into his T-shirt sleeve, reiterated that Green is next in line. Hopefully, he runs with it, because after him there is a trauma with Nate Pearson, Trevor Richards, Brandon Little, Spanish phenom BarcelonatoBilbao Essixhoursbytrain, Zach Pop and anyone else real or imagined.
Yusei Kikuchi – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.65, and allowed four homers. Yusei is trying to make me hate Lisa Loeb, but it’s not going to happen. My passion is protected! (Sounds like a real icko exclaims.) My lust is not immune to Yusei. His peripherals are solid, but, man, I can’t cash a check on solid peripherals.
Davis Schneider – 1-for-5 and his 9th homer, 2nd homer in five games, and the guy people seem to want to give up on every comment.
David Hamilton – Dealing with side discomfort. That sends chills down my spine. Burr.
Nick Pivetta – 7 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.88. You think to yourself, “You yourself, Pivetta is better than Kikuchi now?” No, he’s not, look at his ERA. They are prolly a coin flip in matchups. Streamonator likes Pivetta’s next, which seems scary, but alas, I thought Kikuchi was safe.
Ceddanne Rafaela – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 8th homer, hitting .243. This will blow your mind, but he’s a top 30 outfielder on Player Rater.
Rafael Devers – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .282. Rafael delivers!
Tyler O’Neill – 2-for-4, with his 13th and 14th homers. Mr. Boom-bat-stick, tell him he’s handsome, he says, ‘I’m Mr. Prorater, stats accumulator, damage hits and I’ll be a crater.’
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