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Bryan Reynolds of Fantasy Baseball

“B. Rey and Jack Suuuuuwin, and we’re here to…Hey, can you give us some extra bass? That’s better! Hello, we are J. Suuuuuwin and B. Rey, and we’re here to say…Hey, this is going to be a hit, right? Boom! A little! Because all we do is get hits. Olestra gives us the shits! Us and Rowdy T. What’s up big man?” Rowdy Tellez roars loudly on the studio couch. “Okay! The big man got gas, then caught the fastballs, don’t let them pass!” Therefore, Bryan Reynolds and Jack Suwinski just put together the whitest rap he’s ever heard. In fact, the album is called The Whitest Rap Anyone’s Ever Heard, Vol. 1, and chart in Kenya, as a comedy album. No one is laughing here because Bryan Reynolds (2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) is a top-10 player this year and Jack Suwinski (2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam, 9 , legs, 6) is ubiquitous and could be a top 30 player in every way. Rowdy Tellez (2-for-4, 2 runs) hit his 8th homer. There’s no hot schmotato going on for two weeks now. Also, in this game, Joshua Palacios (1-for-5, 2 RBIs) hit his 2nd homer in 2 games, and Joey Bart (1-for-4, 4 RBIs) hit a home run , his fifth home run of the game. a year! Okay, the last one isn’t that surprising. Others though. Buy, buy, buy, buy! Unless you are in Kenya, sell that album. It’s bad. Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Nick Lodolo – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 3.30 ERA as activated from IL. He was running without three points, then it started to rain and it ended all this. Why did they start the game? This is not talking! I want a gee-dee answer!

Tyler Stephenson – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. He tried to release him last Sunday from Ben Rice, but failed. Lucky > Good.

Is Benson – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .192. It’s interesting how many hitters can’t hit .200. I’m not trying to be a Boomer, but let’s start emphasizing contact a little more.

Rece Hinds – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his second homer, and second homer in two games. You’ve got a Tuffy Rhodes feel for me with the Maas Appeal, but who am I to oppose a call-up schmotato?

Brenton Doyle – 3-for-4, with his 12th and 13th homers. Look, the first game after the break will be hitting 2nd in a row. Do you know why? Because Bud Black hopes we’ll forget how low his leadoff hitter was in the order and just moves him up two holes as a way to trick us into thinking Doyle has been hitting that high. Do you think I’m crazy? Well, I’m mad as a fox!

Blake Snell – 5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 7.85 as activated from IL. Picking up where he left off (last July when he was big in part 2).

Thairo Estrada – 0-for-4 as activated from IL. Wilmer Flores (1-for-4) also homered. It was Transactions Tuesday!

Heliot Ramos – 2-for-4 with his 13th homer, hitting .302. Um, he’s on a 37-homer pace over 162 games.

Yusei Kikuchi – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 13 Ks, ERA at 4.00. Have you ever blinked your eyes at scoring in the box and waiting for the decision to fail to win? That was me and Yusei.

Raleigh – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 16th and 17th homers, hitting .210. And in the 16th and 17th a certain leadoff hitter said, “I wish his butt wasn’t so big so I could see a home run.”

Julio Rodriguez – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. I stagger, clutching my heart like Redd Foxx had multiple heart attacks. Four hits and a home run? Elizabeth, I’m coming!

Kyle Higashioka – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, his 2nd homer in three games, and was the top catcher in the 30-day Player Rater, but O’Hoppe was right on his tail.

Logan O’Hoppe – 3-for-4, with his 13th and 14th homers. Speaking of the devil, O’Hoppe drove O’Homer mad. O’Yes.

Adolis Garcia – 1-for-4 with his 17th homer. Did someone scroll through the list and get upset? Good! Join in!

Josh H. Smith – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .296. Josh Jung was slapped by Wally Pipp.

Adam Duvall – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. I picked up Quintana and Duvall this week at FAAB. Touch my hand, I am blessed!

Chris Sale – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.74 vs. Zac Gallen – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.33. Auction vs. Gallen…Sale…Gallen…Sallen…[dons a captain hat and goes on tour with Yachtley Crew]

Ronel Blanco – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.53. He was very impressed with Ronel. Impressed enough to put him on the 2nd half 100 list? You’ll have to wait and see next week! (Spoiler! No, that’s not what happened.)

Alex Bregman – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .254. I’m pretty familiar with all the players right now because of the top 100 in the 2nd quarter I’m doing, and Bregman’s numbers? Yawning!

Jesus Sanchez – 1-for-3 with his 10th homer. Also, in this game Jazz Chisholm Jr. (2-for-4, 2 runs) had a slam (11) and walks (18). Together, they are Jezz Chinchez! It sounds like a word you’d hear in a 70s martial arts movie. “Who is your soulmate?” Lips moving out of sync with the sound. “Jeez Chinchez!”

Michael Busch – 4-for-6, 2 runs and his 12th homer. Busch is labeled a 2025 sleeper, if only a little cold.

Ian Happ – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer. I was working on the top 100 in the 2nd half and Happ is a huge boundary for me. He may be in the top 100, but he has to open a case in this final week. Presh is open!

Jameson Taillon – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.99. Okay, have your fun. July. Now, it’s time to step back.

Jordan Westburg – 1-for-4 with his 15th homer. Speaking of sleeping, he was finally getting ready for me. Buckle up, seamstresses!

Brandon Nimmo – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer. In the 30-day Player Rater, Nimmo is the same as Ohtani, Judge, and Gunnar.

Francisco Lindor – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .253. Lindor post-Grimace was Cal Ripken Jr.

Jose Quintana – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.91. He’s been spreading him all over the place this week because of the tough matchups he’s been getting. Thank you, Streamonator; thank you, Quintana (that order).

Keibert Ruiz – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, 2nd homer in three games. &!!*@%^@–Wait, that’s Q-Bert, but Keibert.

Jake Irvin – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.13. Damn, Regression Fairies do things to my boys while they make me watch.

Josh Naylor – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and a slam (22) and walks (4). Yaylor!

Angel Martinez – 1-for-6 with his first homer. Because I’m busy making a top 100 for the 2nd half, I opened the Rest of the Season Player Rater and worked my way through it (slightly drunk). ROS Player Rater says what players should do in the future. Any hoo! I went to look for Angel Martinez and he was 1837th overall, just behind Ramon Laureano. I cried. He was twenty spots behind Joe Rock. That is 100% a made up word. Is that The Rock’s real name? Joe? Is that like swearing a rock at another? “Your mother is a little rock!” “Yes, Joe Rock!” Martinez looks like a first contact guy with light power and speed, which means he’s not very interesting outside of the deep leagues.

Ben Lively – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 3.59 ERA. Welp, it’s been a good run. I felt faint there for a while, now I’m starting to feel dead inside.

Colt Keith – 2-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Speaking of 2025 sleepers (I was high on the Busch blurb), Cool Colt Keith makes me feel magnetic and beautiful.

Justin-Henry Malloy – 1-for-5 with his 5th homer, hitting .195. JH&M is known for casual wear and a hit song between strikes.

Kenta Maeda – 2 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 7.26 ERA. The Tigers coaching staff should be sent to The Hague to start Maeda as they did this year.

Brian Bello – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.40. Even when he’s against A, does he score? Man, you are hard to write.

Lawrence Butler – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and a slam (5) and walks (5), 2nd homer of the week. I caught him in my RCL because he was schmotato for a minute. Not an Urban Dictionary moment, actually by a long shot, but a real moment.

Zack Gelof – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .212, but went 6/4/.247 in June and had two steals in July. Okay, not exactly setting the world on fire, but isn’t the world hot enough for you already?

Isaac Paredes – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer. Tuesday was a good day to be a pre-season sleeper for me.

Ryan Pepiot – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.20. After looking at her, I can say that she looked good. He made Soto swing in one spot that looked like it caused Soto to dislocate his shoulder or dislocate or, I’m not a doctor. Streamonator loves the next one, and I can get in there.

Carlos Rodon – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.63. If you were thinking of Rodon, I would think of Rodon’t.

Ben Rice – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. It sounds like the shizz is falling on deaf ears now. Rice is ahead of Soto and Judge and deserves a catch. If it continues, he will struggle to be at least a top ten angler. Maybe the top five.

Zack Wheeler – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.70. He left the start with a sore back. Damn, nobody wants to be part of the All-Star Game, huh?

Bryce Harper – 0-for-4 as activated from IL. Kevin from ESPN’s Get Him In Your Lineup Department said, “I didn’t mean anything when I asked Bill to give me a high score. I forgot he was in that lawn mower accident.”

Kyle Schwarber – 1-for–4, 2 RBIs as activated from IL. Kevin from ESPN’s Get Him in Your Editing Department added, “Next time I’ll ask for the top four.”

Trea Turner – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer. Treat Urner has missed some significant time, but he will be a top ten player otherwise. Do as you know, MC Lyte!

Bryson Stott – 1-for-4 with his 6th homer. Stott’s Entertainment!

Brandon Marsh – 2-for-3, 2 runs and slam (8) and walks (11), hitting .267. On Player Rater, he was around 220th overall. He’s probably the 150th player overall, so he should be better. Simply put. Small caps yay!

Bobby Miller – 4 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 8.07. Um, you’re starting to think this might be more than just rust. Are you ready? Do we have to wait until next March to hear if he needs Tommy John surgery?

Tyler Glasnow – Hit IL with the injury done – I mean, he said his back is tight. Oh, yes, absolutely. MLB is about to punish Billy Eppler again for causing the injury, and then cc the Dodgers in case they forget how bad this can be. “Dodgers, hey, this is Rob Manfred. Perhaps we were not clear when we stopped someone who was not in your organization and does not work at the moment, but there will be no more injury. Also, has Ohtani stopped ‘translating’ with DraftKings?”

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