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Bryan Woo of Fantasy Baseball

Ric Flair, the wheelin’ dealin’, limo-ridin’, high profilin’, rootin’ tootin’, Jerry Tarkanian’ eyebrow havin’, organic candles sellin’ at a farmer’s marketin’, IBS made me avoid ‘spicy food-in – Indian restaurant’, bad-mambo-jambo, he better move his Woo because there’s a new Woo in town, that Bryan Woo (6 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.07). “You get my exclaiming Woo,” I said as I pointed my finger at the TV as I watched him yell. So, Bryan Woo has a K/9 of 6.4 and a BB/9 of zero. No, it’s 0.5 or two walks in 33 2/3 IP. I love this guy. People call guys throwbacks, but that usually means the guy has a bean bag body and just throws around profanity. No, Woo is as much of a running back as Greg Maddux is. By the way, to accurately recall Maddux’s stats, I went back to look at his numbers, and he threw at least 194 IP from 1988 to 2008. So, that part is not like Woo. The command and lack of Ks is, well, if Woo comes with a 1.07 ERA and a 0.58 WHIP, I’ll do the comparison and you’ll love it! Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ryne Stanek – 1 IP, 0 ER, 3.57 ERA, as he picked up his 4th save. As pictured here while singing Steely Dan’s No Stanek At All, he looks very close to M while Munoz is left out. However, Munoz says he will avoid IL, which means he will be studying for a while.

Mitch Garver – 2-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Mitch don’t kill my vibe!

JP Sears – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.93. He limited the damage from JRod, just like anyone above High-A. Gray begins to tremble! Any hoo! Streamonator doesn’t like the Sears following, and I can understand why. Bad equipment, bad matches.

Cal Quantrill – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 1 K, ERA at 3.58. Trill, as defined by rap culture is a revered figure. So, vis-a-vis, therefore, Quantrill is a five-time honoree (for showing up to listen to the Rockies and not calling at all, because no one can blame him).

Chris Bryant – Hit IL with rib contusion. Being real here, he seems like a very likable guy. Retire and go have a good broadcasting job back in Chicago.

Brady Singer – 3 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.76. If I had an artist and a setback for him it would look like whatever happened to Jared Jones this past weekend, or Yusei starting the day before yesterday or- Well, everyone I have.

Tanner Bibee – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.73. His peripherals say he’s a strong number two, and he rides like number two in a public toilet when he realizes it’s too late that there’s no TP and all you have is your bulls.

Jose Ramirez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .276. I’m going to cry like crazy when I finally draft JoJoRam in the preseason without a doubt, because that’s when he’s going to end up disappointed. Oh, and you can say you didn’t have doubts this past preseason. You and I both know you were taking him in the 2nd round but you’re not too happy about that.

Freddie Freeman – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. Freeman [pound chest like caveman] free ball.

Mookie Betts – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. Mookie Best!

Teoscar Hernandez – 3-for-5, 3 runs and his 13th homer. …and Teoscar goes to the Man With The Golden Bat.

Evan Phillips – 1 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.30. Wow!

Walker Buehler – 3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.82. I can’t believe I’m actually disappointed that I didn’t get Buehler in any leagues this preseason. Also, anyone asking about Jeffrey Springs, Kershaw, Scherzer or any other long-term injured starter: See Buehler, Walker.

Nick Gonzales – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his fourth homer, hitting .315. I’m not entirely sure what’s taking so long for people to pick up on Ni-Go, a guy who first appeared in my Buy columns about three weeks ago, but the comments keep pouring in asking about him. Yes, I love him.

Oneil Cruz – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (8), and walks (5). Great, do both of those again twenty times and I won’t call 1-800-Voo-Dooo and get a $29.99 curse on you.

Bailey Falter – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.69. Falter, your name is mocking.

Max Meyer – We must return soon to the majors. Has anyone ever said why in the world when they are young? I get that the Marlins aren’t going anywhere, but when did the process of giving up young players if they have to succeed, and can we stop it?

Reynaldo Lopez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at…Go on! Guess! Come on! It will be fun! Okay, it gets a lot more fun when you list him. His ERA is 1.85. It’s June 7th!

Marcell Ozuna – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. The Braves should consider hitting Ozuna once in the three hole, then Olson changes his jersey and cleans up Ozuna again.

Adam Duvall – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but Duvall is usually hot after a home run. A quick schmotato run may be in order.

CJ Abrams – 1-for-4 with his 10th homer. Orange Juice had a very poor May, because of his shoulder, so let’s hope that’s behind him. Well, over him. On his neck. You know!

Lane Thomas – 1-for-4 with his 4th homer. He is batting below his average. His fly balls and infield fly balls and just a touch of junk are already there. That may happen but it’s important to note that he saw similar garbage numbers in 2022 and it was a bad season for him.

Mitchell Parker – 7 IP, 2 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.47. Google, who is the Nats’ coach who turned all these random pitchers into usable starters? “Google AI says keep the cheese on the pizza slice, use the glue.” Uh, okay. So, as mentioned before, Parker uses direct command to go through 7+ K/9 a bit. He’s a 3.50 ERA pitcher right now, so he’s lucky to be neutral.

Christopher Morel – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Morel is like uber-Duvall. Morel hit one homer, and will hit five more in the week. Call him Ubermenschmotato.

Seiya Suzuki – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Football!

Javier Assad – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.74. You are right when Assad was taken by me he went crazy. After running for almost 18 months!

Elly De la Cruz – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. But there is no such thing as hot and cold bats.

Hunter Greene – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.61. The command is very good but the clearance of long balls is not. I sound like a bouncer in the men’s room being asked to take out the old men.

Sonny Gray – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 3.21 ERA. This was in competition with the Suckies. On my real hands and knees, I’m looking up at the heavens and begging my players to compete well against the trash teams.

Pablo Lopez – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.45. Yes, he should be better. Yes, you have marbles in your medulla oblongta if you start anywhere until you see a good start. I wouldn’t give up on Pab-Lo, but he’s useless as a third nipple until there’s some sign of life.

Carlos Correa – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Also, in this game, Christian Vazquez (1-for-3) hit his second homer and Trent Grisham (1-for-3, 3 RBIs) hit his 2nd homer. And, if you had that three-way platform, congratulations on your billion dollars. Did DraftKings just give you the keys to the office?

Marcus Stroman – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.16. ERAs are like the Yodeler on The Price is Right but in reverse. Every time the ERA gets too low, boin, the pitcher drops and his ERA goes up.

Juan Soto – Removed from the game with arm discomfort. Okay, quick prayer hexagon. Also, in unrelated news, Jason Dominguez was promoted in his resume. Do we have a big improvement here? Stay tuned. Or not. Your phone.

Gabriel Moreno – 1-for-4 with his second homer. The guy in the two-catcher league who drafted Moreno and Keibert Ruiz? Pray for him. You need it.

Joe Musgrove – He did an MRI which revealed that there is a bone spur and contusion in the elbow. In two weeks, he’ll start pitching again, then two weeks after that he’ll start again, then two weeks back in the majors, then he’ll be good for three games and then he’ll need surgery. Am I a spell caster? Tell me.

Emanuel Valdez – 1-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, and his 3rd homer this week. Oh you know schmotato is hot with Enmanuel and you don’t even need to subscribe to Skinemax.

Jarren Duran – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Two homers in two games made me scream Duran Duran in two days as a slow-moving superfan.

Tanner Houck – 7 IP, 2 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, 1.91 ERA. Two things I’ve said a million times this year somehow: 1. Every time the White Sux play, I expect them to be blown away. Last night, Houck almost did. 2. It’s June 7 and this guy has a 1.91 ERA. Are baseballs full of lead?

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. Cake Batter has become Ryan O’Hearn-lite. Okay, I’m exaggerating, but not by much. O’Hearn hit his 8th homer yesterday.

I’m Garcia – 1 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.16, and his fourth save. It’s funny how Yimi gets a close job of Jay while being the worst version of himself. He’s going to be in this afternoon’s shopping column, because of the freakin’ course he’s going to be on. He’s the new Jay closer, and I’m not done with Romano’s return.

Yusei Kikuchi – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.48. When celebs crush 30-odd years:

Kade Povich – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, as named above. What kind of disease am I? I will tell you. Now I’m more interested in Povich in the deep leagues. Connie Chung-level of interest? No. But his price is amazingly cheap this FAAB Sunday. That’s only in the deep leagues; I’m still waiting and seeing in the minor leagues.

Adley Rutschman – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th and 12th homers. Shame he had a dong game twice in a week where I had three straight Orioles leds even if I put Adley on. I would recommend his bat. Have I mentioned how much of a legend he was. I would eat it all over his hair. Sadly, I can’t now. Oh well!

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