Is it me or do you hear a 3-something ERA and be like, “Damn, he’s struggling!” The way you pitch now, if you don’t rock a 2.50 ERA or less, I want to know why and what mafia gangster is paying you to pitch DraftKings games? You know, it’s less than a year until the big freeze. It will rock the game and people will say, “Wow, what a shame.” He had a promising future and threw it all away with a $5 parlay that Robbie Ray would rip his pants off when he started back. “That’s me reading you the tea leaves! So, yesterday, Colin Rea he threw another gem – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, but his ERA is 3.31, so what mafia figure are you working for?! Joey Lucchesi of the Cannoli Crime Family? Rea was the top streamer-off-waivers this week in the minor leagues of the week, right? He was in my groups. Streamonator likes his next start better. May you saunter off into the sunset for the next start in your favorite Oakleys, assuming Lucchesi doesn’t break any of your legs first. Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jackson Chourio – 1-for-2 with his 7th homer. If he had come out on Monday and played Tuesday through Sunday, I would have benched him, so I’m quiet on the schedule. He did well for the first time since the bowling couple, who lived in a log cabin in Maine, left the MLB program.
Willy Adams – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and a slam (10) and walks (9). Any guesses on where Adames ranks on Player Rater in shorts? Top 5, 7 or 9? Before or after CJ Abrams? Before or after Brice Turang? Damn, oh-for-3!
Alejandro Kirk – 1-for-3 with his second homer. If you’ve had Kirk as your 2nd catcher in your two-catcher fantasy league, congratulations on a big night! That moves you to the first 63 points!
Jose Berrios – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.93. This matchup (at Uecker) really scared me. The fact that he came from Quality Start makes my pants shine like grapes.
Gunnar Henderson – 3-for-5, 3 runs and his 21st homer. Who is Aroni Mahuleli?! He is currently the Yankees’ outfielder in homers and has hit 14 homers since May 15, and the next one has nine. It’s a metaphor, a Random Italicized Word. “Who is Aaron the Judge” is a metaphor?
James McCann – 2-for-3, 2 runs and a slam (2) and a walk (1). That’s right, whoever called him McCan doesn’t need to stop yet. It’s not very good, and it’s not good.
Corbin Burns – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.08. He gave up a home run to Alex Jackson, but it was after an error so it didn’t count. Okay, it’s time for the monthly diatribe: If a pitcher gives up a home run, that should be earned, whether it’s due to a two-out error or not. He still gave up a homer, it didn’t matter if he had to go an inning or not. If a guy, let’s say, third down, and the batsman boots the ball and runs the score, sure, that’s what he got. But getting a free pass to pitch as badly as possible when the error occurs with two outs? Well, that’s just silly.
Ryan Pepiot – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.17. Streamonator doesn’t like his next start (against the Braves), and I could go either way about it. Classic bit of non-advice there!
Tyler Soderstrom – 1-for-3 with his second homer. Fun fact! I used to love my Soderstrom but my doctor said foams are not good for my GERD.
Fernando Tatis Jr. – 1-for-5 with his 13th homer, second homer in two games, and third homer in four games. Happy Gems! Exciting Gems fast!
Dylan Cease – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.36 vs. Joey Estes – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.78. Padres vs. The A’s are the 248th largest competitor in California. Low of 250: 248. Padres vs. A’s 249. CVS customers vs. CVS glass cases where deodorant is stored. 250. Chiefs vs. Dr. Pimple Popper.
Jake Cronenworth – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. The Padres have had many strong-willed contributors, but none have been as big as Machado when big means the opposite of what it says. (I’m talking about riddles.)
Kyle Tucker – I’ve already removed her wands, which makes me sad because I wrote this sweet message on her wands with a silver highlighter and now they’re being put in storage. Alas, he may return if he is fit on Friday.
Spencer Arrighetti – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.33 vs. Kyle Harrison – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.96. Ugh, both of these guys deserved to win, but who deserves something? Are you Descartes? How do you know if a man is right for you? Well, watch Ren Faire on Max. It’s very good. Big time Astros fans at that game, and you’re crying.
Luis Robert Jr. – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .192. Don’t panic about that average. He has played only 13 games. That, sadly, is no joke.
Corey Julks – 1-for-5 with his 3rd homer. He really found a home at the top of the White Sox’s list, among their thousands of options. [scanning their lineup for an option, ten minutes later] That’s right.
Erick Fedde – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.10. Fedde has been one of the few standout players for the White Sux, which is why he will be playing for a different team on August 1st.
Logan Gilbert – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.19. LoGi don’t play, oh! (That rhymes. No, it doesn’t make any sense either. Who are you, Logical Police?)
Raleigh – 1-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 12th homer. “I told you where it is.” That’s Sir Mix-A-Lot watching Raleigh.
Seth Lugo – 7 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.36. No, I don’t wish to back down from anyone I don’t list. That’s not fair to say—Gah! Okay, here I am! But Lugo has to back off, it’s not just me writing down notes from Angel Heart as I learn how to do voodoo curses on him.
Hunter Renfroe – Out with a broken big toe. Bet you wish it wasn’t so big.
Carlos Rodon – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.93. What mafioso does he work for?!
Elias Diaz – He left yesterday’s game in a fight. A tough calf says, “Boo.”
Chris Paddack – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.79. It’s crazy to think that at one point she was considered a hottie who made her hips work like lions and roar, because she’s like shizz. Anyway, yesterday’s debut was loved by Streamonator for a reason.
Royce Lewis – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. He is now on pace for 42 games and 41 homers. “Are you ready for the Can’t Stay Healthy 50-Yard Dash?” Royce Lewis, Luis Robert Jr. and Tyler O’Neill arranged the song. “It’s a beautiful day here in Daytona. Last night I saw a girl, who I believe was at least 19 and she made me feel like I was 40 again. He was at The Mechanical Bull Bar, oddly named as it is no longer in operation as of 2019. However, Royce Lewis, Luis Robert Jr. and Tyler O’Neill are off the track and all have chosen their teammates to push them full force. body parts. I’m not sure I agree with Lewis picking Buxton to push him, that’s a hammy double-pull waiting to happen. Okay, on your marks, get ready…Go! Oh, man, all three of them waving white flags, shouting, ‘My lamp!’ He hates to see you.”
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