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Justin Steele, Robert Gasser of Fantasy Baseball

How dumb is MLB? What: You have a game where teams play 162 games and you don’t have every team playing on Memorial Day. MLB can own every holiday from April to October. It’s very simple. If you don’t want all day games, that’s fine. They played night games. Have them during the day. Just play! I want wall-to-wall baseball while I eat my frankfurters and drink my cold brewskis with my boys* (*Made by ChatGPT after being shown an American flag and a .38). Any hoo! I hope everyone had a good Memorial Day (except Rob Manfred), at least better than Craig Counsell, who was welcomed back to Milwaukee with a video tribute where fans booed him. Gotta love this little thing. Or at least I do. Robert Gasser (6 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.96) had 3.2 K/9 coming into the game, which isn’t great, but he allowed just one walk in 23 IP with 0.4 BB /9, which is not too wild. He’s a Streamonator type of call in shallower leagues, but it’s hard to get into his left-handed swing until he gets hit. Speaking of crafty lefties, Justin Steele (7 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, one walk, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.45) looks remarkably similar to last year when he was in NL Cy convo until September unfortunately just bad for homers allowed, if such a thing exists. – who throws home pitches if not him? Any hoo! Looks like a solid low buy if you can [pinkie to mouth] Steele took it out. Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Willy Adams – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .249. First homer in three weeks, and was hitting .213 in May, before this game. Fun fact! Wily dames are Joan Collins and Judi Dench next to Pierce Brosnan’s butt.

Joe Ryan – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.96. [making a note in my iCal to bet on Joe Ryan to win the 2025 AL Cy, and to point out this far-off prediction if he does, and if he doesn’t, then I will forget I ever said anything]

Jose Miranda – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .279. I hate Baldelli. He was able to go so far that the twins won easily yesterday, and he has covered Miranda’s place as if it were the World Series.

Trevor Larnach – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .270, as a leadoff hitter. “Quad, hammy, back, hammy, quad, quad, oblique.” That’s Larnach The Great holding an envelope to his forehead, then he opens the envelope and reads the index card inside, “Why are seven of the nine hitters on the Twins’ roster going to miss 30 to 60 games this year?”

Alec Marsh – 7 IP, 5 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.24. He allowed two expensive homers to keep his xFIP clean.

Davis Schneider – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .241, and seems to be holding his own in the leadoff role. Not the best team behind him, but the best in any series should be listed in fantasy leagues.

Bo Bichette – 1-for-4 with his 4th homer. Also, in this game, Gavin Sheets (2-for-5) hit his 4th homer. In short, Pieceofsheets.

George Springer – 2-for-3, 2 runs 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. I spent 10 minutes looking at Springer’s statistics, which you wouldn’t guess in this blur, because I don’t have much to say. Sometimes the best blurbs are the ones where I edit them down. This is not one of those. Since he was overcooked, I guessed he came back from an 85 MPH changeup, but it was a 92.6 MPH fastball. It was dead center and it doesn’t change my mind about Springer. Like his teammate Vogelbach, he’s just getting into meatball.

Chris Bassitt – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.03. Not to take the wind out of your sails, but Bassitt was lucky that he was facing a bad team. He nearly gave up four runs in the first inning.

Nick Lodolo – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, 3.12 ERA, since activated from IL. I wanted to make Lodolo a lede, but he was slightly promoted by two SPs in Milwaukee. I will say this though, if the guy’s stuff is measured by the way opposing strikers are doing, Lodolo is a straight up ace. He is a Merchant of Dirt. Also, Arenado looks ridiculously overcooked.

Jeimer Candelario – 1-for-3 with his 6th homer, 2nd homer in four games. Either it’s a simple schmotato here, or he’s the one who pitches his way to his boring year-end line of 17 HRs, .250.

Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-4 with his 7th homer, 3rd homer in two games. Oh shizz!

Charlie Blackmon – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his second homer, as a leadoff hitter. Starting to think that Blackmon and Bud Black are DEI employees.

Justin Lawrence – Hit the IL with “uhh … for being bad?”

Cooper Criswell – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.96. The person who broadcasted him, sadly, whispers, “Cooper…He’s crying-well.”

Cole Irvin – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.84. Streamonator loved this start, and I can see why. The Red Sox roster looks awful. They have seven automatic kits. Starting Dom Smith at 1 should be two automatic outs. They started Wong as a three-hole hitter. Hey, I love Wong as Reese McGuire in the parking lot, but he’s a solid 7-hole hitter, not a three. Devers/Duran/aw geez/aw man/aw cmon/aw really? that’s bad/aw goez again.

Miguel Sano – He was distracted in rehab while he was heating himself, leaving the heater on for too long. Leave it to the Angels to have an injured player hear about someone in the hospital.

Jorge Polanco – Hit IL with filtered hammy. His fill is: Click Moore to read about how hot Dylan is.

Cristian Javier – Hit IL with arm discomfort. Think you can push this back to July of last year, but no one will tell you that.

Jose Abreu – 1-for-3, 1 RBI, as he struck out 8. Remembered from childhood. How does his curveball break?

Framber Valdez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.34 vs. the M, who hit a combined .224. Maybe the M’s started to come out of it (if Angel Hernandez was calling all their games).

Bryce Miller – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.48. Instead of watching this game, I watched the Bronx Zoo at the Peacock about the 90’s Yankees. Big Stein traded Winfield on May 11 for more at-bats for a one-two puncher. Such a group!

Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 2-for-4 with his 8th homer. On pace for 75 runs and RBIs and—sorry, I just nodded. Did I say something?

Trevor Rogers – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.65. How did 2021’s 2.64 ERA, 10.6 K/9 Trevor Rogers become this guy?

Michael King – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.09, and out at 89 pitches. Starters are now out before 90 pitches even if they are throwing well. Change the winning statistics!

Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (10) and walks (3), hitting .236. On Memorial Day, we thank Schwarbomber for his work.

LaMonte Wade Jr. – He left yesterday’s game with his arm around the coach’s shoulder, which is usually 30 days of IL, at least. It’s sad, because he looked like he was finally breaking out.

Blake Snell – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 10.42. They should make him get his Cy Young back.

Charlie Morton – 5 2/3 IP, 8 ER, 4.29 ERA. [sees favorable two-start week for Morton, does a little dance] two minutes into his first innings [continues dance into traffic] I can’t wait for his second start this week. Small letters yay!

Sean Murphy – 1-for-4, 1 RBI as activated from IL. Ah, you see, You only give what you can handle. He takes Acuña and gives it to Murphy. Now, you need to give Murphy 70-steal speed and 40-homer power. Let’s go, Miracle Man!

Austin Riley – 0-for-4 as activated–Oh wait.

Adam Duvall – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and second in two games, as he starts in the outfield. Better than watching Ozuna try to do the job, I guess. Either way, Duvall is a hot schmotato.

Ozzie Albies – 1-for-4 as he hits the ropes in place of Acuña, which is pretty funny. It’s crazy how hard it is for MLB executives to see what is completely obvious to anyone with a passing knowledge of baseball. If you were to poll 100 Braves fans, it would be 98 to 2 for Harris to take the lead.

Mitchell Parker – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.45. The Braves look like such a structure right now. Thinking in the preseason they may have been one of the favorites to win the NL pennant. So, in regards to Parker, I wonder if groups are as stuck as I am and prioritize command over Ks. It works perfectly (for me and beginners). Parker has never had a good command of the kids, but he is classy and effective. Streamonator hates the next one, and I don’t trust him enough to start him against one of the best teams, but Parker gets a full monocle.

CJ Abrams – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games. Orange Juice took most of May away, but check out his initials because he’s back with a vengeance like it’s Easter.

Victor Robles – Designed for assignment. His assignment was to remove his name from the top of the cabinet and leave an empty space for Wood.

Lane Thomas – 2-for-5, 1 run as activated from IL. Kevin from ESPN’s Get Him In Your Lineup Department said, “For Memorial Day BBQ yesterday, I swallowed a hot dog to see how it would come out the other side.”

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