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Michael King of Fantasy Baseball

yesterday, Michael King went 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.58. Oh my God, what an amazing portrayal of a 2012 debutant. Let me guess…Gio Gonzalez! No? Okay, let me try again! Jeff Samardzija? Did I get it? Wow, that was great! So, King is good? Different from Sofa King which is good, but only barely. Yes, he’s good, with 10.3 K/9, 3.7 BB/9, and a tendency to give up homers. I’m obsessed with those who started 2012, but there is some truth there. He looks like a true throwback, but that won’t always translate to being as solid as the dream. He’ll get used to the big games and the poor, which is to say, he has four games this year where he’s given up at least six unearned runs, and six earned runs. Helping him yesterday was his Dong Frescas, Donovan Solano (2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homers, hitting .313). Donovan saying eff that Season of the Pitch crap! This week’s Buy/Sell is already on Patreon, and now I have to add Solano because she’s Solayes! No, that didn’t work. Then, joining the Dong Fresca-bration, Jackson Merrill (2-for-4 with his 4th and 5th homers). This was Merrill’s first good game since Opening Day in Korea, as opposed to Yamamoto. Call him Otomamay. Okay, I’m exaggerating, but Merrill has been doing well for about two months. Yesterday, it was Jackson, but usually it was Jacksoff. Uhh… Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Hogan Harris – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.49. I’m going to take a look at Harris’ borderline because I care about you and want you to make the right move. Now for a dollar a day to Sally Struthers, I’ll tell you what I saw. Okay, okay! This is just one time! Sorry, Sally! You look bad under the hat.

Cavan Biggio – Acquired by the Dodgers. Damn, first the Dodgers stole Ohtani from the Angels and now Bigio. You will never find Miguel Sano! Therefore, Bigio clouds the situation with Gavin Lux when Muncy returns, but Lux closed his situation when he failed to hit five years ago. Miguel Vargas was also sent down. His next stop is Florida for Tanner Scott? Chicago for Luis Robert? We will see. Or not! Choose yourself.

Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-4 with his 17th homer. It is a joy to watch him every day [turns on TV, reads message about the game being blacked out in your area].

Jordan Alvarez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. 36 more to go! Of course, that never happened. I’ll take another 26 this time.

Framber Valdez – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.99. My middle name is “Only Talk About The Frame When He’s Not Doing Well.” You can see why I left it out of the legal documents.

Davis Schneider – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 8th homer, hitting .229. You must have heard everyone in the comments wanting to stop him. Shame, most of you have forgotten the first statistic that should be considered when discarding a player: “If I discard this player, he will be good.”

Chris Bassitt – 5 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 3.56. Some of you may not care as long as the ERA results are good, but he is still not good. The commandless Bassitt “pees on the Persian rug to the left of the wee-wee pad.”

Tobias Myers – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.76. Have the Brewers developed a bad pitching prospect? Not to answer to ruminate. Streamonator hates the next one, but it doesn’t scare me.

Willy Adams – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .246. I know what a lot of guys do, give or take a few homers and some average, but I thought Adames had the most homers and hit the best way. It has to be runs/RBI because he’s 5th on Player Rater among shortstops, and it’s not a weak field. Also, almost top 30 overall.

Braxton Garrett – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 6.10 ERA. What if, and you hear me here, they shut down all the Marlins until next year?

Francisco Lindor – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 11th homer. The Mets said everyone is available for trade, adding, “Once they’re out of this group, they’ll be fine.”

Star Marte – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .288. Not a realistic injection into the dream, but on Player Rater, Marte could be the best 70 overall. Otherwise it is known as better than the draft day price.

Nick Pivetta – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.88 vs. Christopher Sanchez – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.07. This match was billed as, “Would I be dirty/Sanchez.”

David Hamilton – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. He’s hitting everything right now. If you take nothing away from this post, take Hamilton to your league.

Henry Davis – 1-for-3 with his first homer. A Comatose Pirates fan wakes up for the first time since March, “That’s my boy Hammerin’ Hank Davis! Homerin’ Hank, right?! Damn, how many Dong Frescas do you have? 20? 30?”

Jake Irvin – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.00. Is the universe trying to tell me something? All of my underperforming starters continue to do poorly – hey, Braxton Garrett! Meanwhile, on waivers, guys like Jake Irvin continue to do well.

CJ Abrams – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Whenever he hits home, I look for a steal to see if he has a slam and legs, and instead I see Lane Thomas every time down. He’s on pace to steal, like, 40 bags.

Matt Vierling – 1-for-5 with his 8th homer. He was in a very bad condition but 15 people asked about abandoning him yesterday, and then he returned home. Thanks to the 15! Can 15 of you reject Corbin Carroll?

Riley Greene – 2-for-5 with his 12th homer, hitting .245. Garbage time homer counts the same, thank you very much.

Reese Olson – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.68. If you can’t shoot well against Nyonyane at home, you don’t need to go home but you can’t stay in my dream teams.

Jose Siri – 2-for-4 with his 7th homer. Can someone ask Siri to hit above .200, too?

Jose Caballero – 1-for-3 with his 4th homer. Caballero said after the game, “I saw Taylor Walls going for my job, and I hit it over the walls!”

Aaron Civale – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.20. ‘A member while he is a thing? I do a bit, I think. I might consider it.

Seiya Suzuki – 2-for-4 with a slam (8) and a walk (4). Even better? No bending injuries! (From what I heard.)

Cody Bellinger – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. You know Cody, so I’d rather focus on how Counsell hit Morel and his .209 batting average yesterday. Teams win over their bosses, I swear.

Hector Neris – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 4.21, and barely escaped with a save. I’m not sure who’s next in the Cubs’ bullpen, but the closing job is to slide away from Neris. Our guy, JKJ, has the Cubs handcuffed like Mark Leiter Jr. on his bullseye chart, and, well, I don’t know. It is possible. It’s a small thing to be honest.

Spencer Schwellenbach – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 6.32. It looks good, but yesterday a report came out that the Braves are looking to acquire a Miles Mikolas type to get their rookies out of their rotation.

Matt Olson – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Please get freakin’ hot already! Give me 10 homers in 12 days, you brag! If you could resurrect Riley, Albies and Harris, that would be great too.

Kade Povich – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.76. He watched a lot of this first, and was totally blown away. It was like a vintage Povich and a DNA test and it came back 100% that Povich. Sadly, the O’s have a terrible bullpen that they refused to bolster by trading for Santander.

Jeimer Candelario – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 10th and 11th homer, 2nd and 3rd homer in four games, and he has a schmotato in his series at Coors from last week.

Nick Lodolo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.93. It is quietly putting together a top 20 season. I just throw him out, right? I can’t take it back either, can I? Come on!

Tanner Bibee – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.94. You should see his xFIP for the game though! Oh boy! Don’t have xFIP in your league? What about xERA, since you and your ERA are separated and you are living with your new WHIP.

Bryan Woo – The MRI came back clean. Oh well, it was one of those MRIs that felt good.

Bryce Miller – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.48. Sadly, he lost the win when the Mariners’ bullpen hit the game in the 9th. Are they close? No, silly, we don’t know who that is. Munoz had an injection — hey now! – and it should be back in a few days.

Luke Raley – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer, 3rd homer this month, hitting around .280 in June. Raleigh? Oh, Raleigh.

Ketel Marte – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .282. He knew he was doing well, but he just checked Player Rater. About the top 25 in total! Wow.

Jose Soriano – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.48. Every other team manager is like, “Sorry, kid, we’re pulling you 4 2/3. I know you have six runs, but we have to protect your arm.” Ron Washington blows the lines and lets it ride with Soriano so he doesn’t become a Sore-arm-o.

Zach Neto – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Neto says, check your libido, and his game log to see he had a homer about a week ago.

Jo Adell – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer. At the end of the day (and the hype), this seems to be what Adell is. A .210 hitter with pop and speed.

Cody Poteet – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.14. Singing his name on the cupcake, “Poooooteeeeeee-tet-pooooooooteeeeeeeetet.” I actually took this week’s Pooteetang, but sonavabench! I got a cold Poofeet. He’s actually not good, if you needed me to tell you. Even Streamonator thinks it’s crazy to start him.

Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. One player that I don’t register anywhere I live is doing amazingly well. Enter the Hall of Fame, my big dream boat!

Gleyber Torres – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .231. You feel overdue for a crazy month.

Carlos Correa – 5-for-6, 3 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .290. All well and good, but it was five songs and, before the game was over, he was being sued by Juan Pierre for trademark infringement.

Royce Lewis – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in Yes, he has some homers in recent games. He has played only 9 games.

Willi Castro – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 5th homer. In another league, I lost Treat Urner and caught DeJong. In another league, I caught Castro. DeJong’s Trea Turnered league is the best.

Pablo Lopez – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.33. His opponent, the Rockies, pause for emphasis, take a good while to find a name, touch a finger, look around, finally: TERRIBLE. Pab-Lo looked like he couldn’t pass. Call him Pasable Pez. Passing Lopez? Meh, you know what I mean. He gave up a homer to Ryan McMahon that was a complete meatball. Meatball Pez? Meh, forget the nickname! He doesn’t look good.

Ryan McMahon – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 12th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Cool, I mean, hot, whatever. The Rockies roster is so bad it’s ridiculous. Their 5-hole hitter? Jacob Stallings. He has 27 homers in 484 career games. He is on pace to break Bonds’ record of 100 under the lights in 2090, because daytime games were banned in 2077 when five players died in 145-degree heat.

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