It’s not a good sign if you have one minute every month where you seem to be awake, then quickly go back to sleep. It is possible Nick Castellanos (2-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .206), the Greek God of Hard Contact will be at his mother’s dinner being served toast? Not the people’s gyro anymore? From the day of the short program, let’s go. [opens Castellanos’s Statcast page, vomits and the vomit spells out “Cooked”] Well, when my vomit says profanity, you know it’s not good.
His average exit velocity is 87.6 MPH. That’s like one of those car commercials where they are passed by racers. Nick Castellanos is a Kia Sorento. Call her Nickia Castsorentos. Maybe he can get out of it, but he’s having a year that didn’t look that bad before in Statcast and he never got out of it. A whole year, a lost year. I try to get out of the Kia before the speeding old ladies pass. Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jeff Hoffman – 1 IP, 0 ER, 1.25 ERA, and his fourth save. He’s a setup man nine times out of ten, but I’ve also caught him in every league in the past month—again because he’s currently near the top 20 RP on Player Rater. Don’t bother the Hoff!
Zack Wheeler – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.53. It’s not bad. No Ranger Suarez, but who?
JT Realmuto – 1-for-3 with his 7th homer, hitting .285. Jerry Tomato is happy that way!
John Gray – Hit the IL with less groin strain. TMI!
Adolis Garcia – 1-for-3 with his 12th homer, hitting .253. Totally unrelated, but seeing Adolis in the box score, and my eyes shifted to Evan Carter (0-for-3, hitting .197). His member? Carter was replaced by Grossman and the same handshake emoji. However, the Rangers catching situation of Heim/Knizner, which is very close to Hymie/Knish, I like for that reason alone. Thank you!
AJ Smith-Shawver – 4 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, as recalled from Triple-A. With Elder out, ASS could be the fifth starter for the Braves. ASS also has a big crack in his game: the zero command. Best case: Luis Gil. Worst case scenario: I said, zero command!
Jarred Kelenic – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer. You know what’s fun about Kelenic? He felt like he would go crazy looking up or down. If he failed to connect he would hit .190 and struggle. If she found his touch, she would blossom into a star. Now? He’s just him. It is neither here nor there. It’s not crazy high or low, it’s just useless.
Nick Martini – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Who took the call? This guy has two thumbs straight to his ears and makes moose ears with his fingers.
Elly De La Cruz – 1-for-5, 31st steals, hitting .254. In May: 33% K%, .333 BABIP, .222, 13 steals. In a way I’ve become an E! protector now. As long as Wild On! basepaths, it’s hard to hate 30/90 speed.
Jacob Hurtubise – 1-for-2, 1 run, 1 RBI and 1st steal, as a leadoff hitter, because Dumb Bell thinks that if one guy replaces the leadoff hitter, that makes him the leadoff hitter. So, who is Hurtubise? You sound like someone clipping their fingernails on a pan at a restaurant. That would be Hurtubise! He has 70 steal speed and can hit for a good average with zero power. An interesting profile in the deep leagues while the Reds wait for Friedl.
Frankie Montas – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.61. The good news is that his ERA is as low as his pitching. Wait, is that good news?
Matt Waldron – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.86. The Streamonator looks a little better compared to Waldron’s next one and I saw it, because it’s against the Marlins, who are MIA, and I’m not talking about their city.
Jack Suwinski – Optioned to Triple-A. You may Suwinski others, but you just lost one.
Andrew McCutchen – 2-for-5 with his 7th homer. McClutchin’s knee isn’t in the right shape as the best player on the Pirates’ roster, which gives me courage. [tips head over, out pours pistachios]
Bryan Reynolds – 3-for-5 with his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Even yawns have moments in the sun.
Paul Skenes – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.25. Only three K’s, and a tough connection, but he’s also a straight gasser who looks as bad as any grinder you’ve ever looked.
Matt Chapman – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .282 in May, getting close to .500 last week, and no one else has been in the hot spot. May the schmotato live with him.
Joey Bart – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer. This was against his old team, Zimnyama, and now he is in Pirates. Bart, Reverse Barry Bonds. Call him Barty Bonds.
Heliot Ramos – 2-for-4, with his second homer. Luis Matos, everyone’s favorite Giants call-up, has looked good, and will be in the Buy column this afternoon, but everyone is sleeping on Heliot.
Esteury Ruiz – Hit the IL with a stiff wrist. The injury occurred to his wrist on the team bus while returning a farewell wave to the front office.
Daz Cameron – 2-for-5, 2 runs, and his first homer, as he was replaced by Esteury Ruiz. Make your wave in the shape of a ship! Ruiz couldn’t get any playing time, and now watch his inferior replacement Cameron play every day.
JD Davis – 2-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games. It looks like Jonathan Davis Davis is a small-time schmotato, but you’ll have to forgive me if I can’t generate enthusiasm.
JJ Bleday – 1-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. See blurb for Jonathan Davis Davis but changed name to Jonathan Jonathan Bleday.
Mason Miller – 1 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.05. “Peeeeee-yeah! Stop smelling! Seriously, how are you doing in the majors? against the Rockies? Wow!” That’s Comatose owner Mason Miller who woke up yesterday.
Shane Baz – Activated from IL and selected for children. Ugh, worst move a team can make for fantasy owners. IL stash that turns into “You should fix your plan before doing that.”
Kevin Gausman – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.47. It was the only game I watched, and he looked good, but then I wondered if the Tigers weren’t bad, and I started to wonder, do almost every team hit badly?
Isiah Kiner-Falefa – 2-for-4 with his 3rd homer. The Israeli Diner Falafel was short and double in round, but like chickpea falafel, it shouldn’t make you happy.
Daulton Varsho – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Varsho is the Jays’ best hitter, and I’m not sure it’s even close. On your own, Springer? He got very old. He can’t catch fastballs. Of course, it gets lost in the shallow leagues.
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Hey, one love, but how does Cake Batter only have five homers? You are boring.
Alex Lange – Was optioned to the minor leagues after Wednesday’s non-televised upset, which begs the question: If the pitch can’t be played, does it happen?
Jack Flaherty – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.84. It’s funny what you get when you watch the games, Flaherty’s line is worse than Gausman’s, but Flaherty looks much better.
John Kusho – Hit the IL with the weight of the front arm. Welp, that means: Done.
Grayson Rodriguez – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (5 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 3.20. White Sux, son? White Sux? Come on, baby boy. Tighten up [handclap emoji] that [handclap emoji] drink [handclap emoji] up!
Anthony Santander – 1-for-5 with his 8th homer, hitting .206. Please, sell him some freebies yesterday!
Jorge Mateo – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (3) and walks (8, 9). Mateo is like the Everlasting Bunny of fairy tale value. Every time you think, “Meh, he’s cooked, and Jackson Holliday is getting promoted this year,” Mateo keeps on trucking.
Aaron is the judge – 2-for-2, 2 runs and his 15th homer. And you were worried about him! (So was I.) Here’s the thing though, how you feel about Judge if you don’t make it on the list: Regret you didn’t try to buy him down. Yeah, you’ll have that on JRod another time.
Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-3 with his 12th homer. Statcast said his blast was a 112.1 MPH Blast which was only a Blust because they call a Blast a Blust. However, regarding these new figures. Know that a small problem is when the common language uses the word you are trying to introduce. Sadly, you see a shot on TV and you say, “Wow, Stop Blasting,” and now you’re going to have somebody say, “No, that was just a home game.”
Luis Gil – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners (2 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA at 2.11. It’s not often that my MO talks a lot with the Yankees, especially not the constant yelling of, “This guy is limited,” but have you seen Gil pitch? She looks as good as anyone. Going back to when I told you that you caught him in April, about a month ago, he’s like an ace. I’m not randomly saying this about all Tom, Dick and Schmohawk. Jared Jones, Skenes and Gil? Dazzlers, all three.
Julio Rodriguez – 0-for-4 as he was reduced to 6th in the order. Of course, he’s no Dylan Moore or Dominic Canzone. Is Scott Servais punishing J-Rod for something? To not hit too many homers? So, if he had two more homers, would that be enough homers? Entering the game, he was hitting .263 while Canzone, who hit before him, was hitting .217. Moore, moved to the 2-hole, was hitting .252. JRod has been unlucky with power, should be hitting more power, and is a solid Buy Low, but all that aside, you have to have some loyalty to “your people.” Aaron Judge didn’t hit the 6th when he struggled. You have to ride or die with certain players. Through thick and thin, JRod is a Mariners guy, and you can’t blame him. That’s how grudges start and slumps build up over time. Poor vision trash. I’m so angry!
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