I talked a little bit about this on the podcast — you may have heard my fifteen different pronunciations Noelvi Marte. And el-vee? And el-Vey? Noelgallaghervee? Some “Grey can’t talk” in there. Any hoo! – I don’t think PEDs, in the traditional sense, are a thing for many of these guys who have been abused in recent years. Maybe I’m wrong, but what do you think of when you hear PEDs? Bonds asks the clubhouse manager to change his hat size and the clubhouse manager just gives him Bochy’s? Do you think of Sammy Sosa, before going to sleep with white strands of teeth on his face, hitting 60 homers? McGwire’s head is the size of a watermelon telling Congress he’s not there to talk about steroids, when he’s really there to talk about steroids? Why else would he be in Congress? That’s what PEDs remind me of, but it’s different now. Noelvi Marte didn’t take PEDs to become a 50-homer hitter like Brady Anderson. However, could he grow his sideburns? He probably took the Latin American doctor’s PEDs accidentally, or he took them on purpose to help him heal an injury. Guys aren’t taking PEDs in droves anymore. I don’t think so, at least. However, I have seen Adolis. Guess my point is your thoughts on Noelvi Marte’s pre-suspension is how you should think about him now. A top 100 guy who makes good contact and has speed and power. Since he will be back within a week, now is the time to hide him. I said stash, not stache. Besides, the request featured Brady sideburns on him, not Bonds’ little mustache. Anyway, here are some players you can buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
PSYCHE! This post was released on Wednesday to Patreon members. It will be released year round on Patreons, so if people are jumping on you, it’s because they paid $10. Anyway, Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell:
BUY
Ben Rice – He just gave you Ben Rice’s dream. It was written while not referring to Uncle Ben, but several.
Tyler Soderstrom – Probably included Jose Trevino, but can’t match two Yankees catchers even if Rice plays first base and why isn’t Rick Cerone in the Hall of Fame? Butch Wynegar? Yeah, I grew up in Jersey, isn’t it freakin’ obvious? So, derstrom started as a bubble-up-my-drink-mabob and it’s not over.
Carlos Santana – Yes Yes!
Joey Meneses – Fun fact! Joey Meneses is an ovulating kangaroo.
Tyler Black Here’s what he said when he was called up, “He’s been killing it for two years now in Triple-A and three years in the minors, but still it’s unclear why he was called up now. I mean you should have started the year with the team. Called now, because. dot dot. S and g’? Is there a reason? Well, whatever. I’m surprised, because it is! He went 18/55 last year and has a 40+ steal rate for no reason he can’t hit a good average with pop.” And I’m the one you’re quoting!
Zack Gelof – If someone gave up Gelof on the way out of the gate, catch him now. If someone has not given up on Gelof when they have a cold, give them a social call. They may not be right.
Emanuel Valdez – You haven’t seen Enmanuel this hot – Well, have the kids heard of Skinemax?
Brandon Lowe – Lowe’s is hot – Brandon, Josh, and the BBQ grill.
David Hamilton – He’s faster than everyone else, and his shortened name sounds like Rappin’ Duke. Da-Ha, Da- Ha, what else do you need if not SAGNOF?
Miguel Rojas – There were big issues with Rojas and Jazz when he was with the Marlins, and I thought it was all Rojas, but now I think it might have been Jazz. Never! Rojas took over from Betts, and now Ohtani is trying to parlay him.
Dansby Swanson – For a while, I thought we might have seen the last of our Dansby Swansong! He got into it! No? That’s right.
Cavan Biggio – Just because a guy is on the Dodgers roster, he doesn’t get better. That said, Bigio may get some more runs and RBIs. And some distance from his father telling him to remove his elbow.
Davis Schneider – In the 7-day Player Rater, Davis is more than that other guy you have on your dream team playing the 2nd position, and prolly has a long time. Okay, okay, you can test that too with the 30-day Player Rater.
Ceddanne Rafaela – He’s higher than most guys on Player Rater, ranked in most leagues. That’s not a 7-day Player Rater, that’s big daddy, a season-long Player Rater. I also hate that Ceddanne Rafaela bats 9th, but he has been productive out of the slot.
Zach Neto – Talking about the guys who hit the bottom of the order. At least with Ceddanne, there are decent guys in front of him. Neto has to compete with Willie Calhoun, Kevin Pillar, Brandon Drury, Ty Wigginton, ok, I did that, but you weren’t sure. The crazy thing is that the Angels are like, “Well, we had injuries, so we had to fill in at the last minute. Don’t blame us.” They had injuries to Rendon and Trout! They didn’t think that would happen? I cry to myself. I need to move on.
Orelvis Martinez – Here’s what I said when he was called, “(Orelvis) was called and Bo Bichette went to IL with a calf problem. Chette’s piece will wait until Tuesday, the day after the player lockout, to head to IL. Chette Piece Stop Being Annoying Challenge: It’s Impossible. For Chettehead’s IL job, the Jays called up Orelvis. Although it’s been a while, the Jays are such a Chettehead organization, where does Martinez play after Chette returns? I am asking seriously. If you’re thinking, ‘Well, there’s no way they’re going to put him back down.’ I wish I had hope for you. I’m not even sure the Jays play him every day now, they chose Israeli Diner Falafel instead. IKF over Orelvis? Yes, I am naive. I’m not saying I will, but we’re talking about the Jays. Why do we care? Orelvis has 16 HRs in just 235 ABs in Triple-A and is only 22 years old. He looks like a star of the future. Who will bring the star of tomorrow to put them on the bench in IKF? The Jays!” And I’m the one you’re quoting!
Michael Busch – Listing Busch because I refused to list Ernie Clement. He turns to the mirror, sternly, “Don’t ever look at Player Rater to see if Ernie Clement was worth more than Bo Bichette.”
Joey Loperfido – If Jon Singleton gets in Loperfido’s way, help me. If Trey Cabbage gets in his way, help me. If Mauricio Dubon gets in his way, then-[counting ‘so help me’s]-Two ‘so help me’s are negative and the third ‘so help me’ is positive again, so Loperfido is good. Einstein’s law of So Help Me, he repeated three times after seeing what his barber did to him.
Jesus Sanchez – Jesus is hot. May the schmotatoes inherit the earth.
Joc Pederson – You are hot and strong. On a related note that has nothing to do with him but is all about him, sometimes I’ll think about Joc Pederson when the guy steals from the kids. Joc has a career-high six steals in the majors and that was in the last nine years. He has no real speed, and never has. So, why are you thinking about him? He had two 30-steal seasons in the minors.
Heliot Ramos – Crying that Heliot has more homers than Vlad Jr. Hooting even.
Hunter Goodman – “What was your secret to getting time to play?” “I will never tell you.” That’s Sean Bouchard and Goodman talking.
Jose Siri – I’m not sure if you’ve heard but Apple has updated Siri. Now he will hit .200.
JJ Bleday – Ice Cube stopped at a red light, saying to himself, “If there was something between a Good Day and a Bad Day.” Daniel Powter, singer of Bad Day, croons, “Have you considered Bleday?” Ice Cube smiles, and asks solemnly, “Do you have the Power?” Then they laugh and leave. Now that would be a good day.
Jarred Kelenic – With Michael Harris II the latest Braves player cursed, Kelenic has moved into the leadoff spot against righties, and has been hitting. What if all Kelenic needed was for everyone on the Braves to absorb him? Like a power vacuum where what normally absorbs becomes good in a vacuum. Does this exist?
Miles Mikolas – This is Streamonator’s call, just like the call it makes to Target.
Reese Olson – This is also a Streamonator call. “I went to high school with this fax machine and I was wondering–Don’t you have fax machines? Sigh.”
Keegan Thompson – It could be in line to save the Cubs. He has a 14.1 K/9. Zoinks! His walk rate is almost as high. Double zoins! Colten Brewer could also be–OK, anyone could be in line to save the Cubs.
Chad Green – This guy feels like he’s a closer for the Jays until he throws 7 ER in 2/3 IP and everyone’s like, “Oh, yeah, obviously he was never that good in the first place,” and you’re left thinking, “Why didn’t you tell me that shizz before that I should pick him up?”
Matt Strahm – Want to know how I know the Phils are going to the World Series? Their bullpen is “Welcome to the Gun Show” in human form. Unless all their services become Turd Sellers in October, which is likely, I suppose.
Sell it
Jurickson Profar – I went through Player Rater looking for the best players, it went like this: Good, good, good, alas, good again. There aren’t a ton of guys doing really well right now, except for some very obvious ones. Is Ranger Suarez the best starter in baseball? Here’s the thing: No. Expanding on that: Noooooooo. Anyway, this brings me back to Profar. He was a leadoff hitter that I realized was a no-brainer and not a catcher (Hey, William Contreras!). Profar is a .270 BABIP man in his career, over .350. He hit .240 the last two years and .227 the year before that. Um, now he’s a .320 hitter? C’mon, do you really fall for a 31 year age difference? Would I be interested in a banana on your tap? I wouldn’t trade Jurickson Profar for a granola bar found between the couch cushions, but I would take a look at our Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and explore the options.
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