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Ranger Suarez of Fantasy Baseball

Amazing, friends, it’s floating, we’re not stuck anymore, but let’s try. Preceded by awards: Guard Suarez (7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, 1.36 ERA) moved his record to 9-0. He is the 4th pitcher in the Live Ball Era with a 9-0 record in his first 10 starts, and an ERA of 1.50 or less. The Live Ball Era has been since baseball first introduced the Mexican jumping bean to baseball. Ready for some words? I knew you would! The other strikers were Ubaldo Jimenez (lol), Juan Marichal (oh, okay, we’re not kidding now) and Sal Maglie (obviously, not Magilla’s proper name Gorilla). I went back and watched old clips of Juan Marichal and no one has tried to replicate that move which means we are too young for it. Ranger Suarez is also the first Phils pitcher to do it since Grover Cleveland Alexander, who changed his name to the Grover Cleveland Guardians. Ranger Suarez is crazy. 9.3 K/9, 1.6 BB/9, 2.64 xFIP (!!!), 57.1% GB%, .218 wOBA, 84.1 MPH average exit velocity, and on and on. He’s basically giving weak-sauce dribblers to his 2nd baseman, and that’s it. The big question is can it continue? Not so far, but he’d need some bad luck to not have a 20-win season and a sub-3 ERA. Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Bryce Harper – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 11th homer, hitting .280. Just think about it, Harper is a Mormon, and she stays at home after her baby is born. Do you see where I’m going with this? Big Love equals many homes!

Corey Seager – 1-for-5 with his 7th homer, hitting .246. Saberhagenmetrics is supposed to be a goof, but Seager has made it his way of life.

Kris Bryant – 0-for-4 since being activated, hitting .137. To make room, the Rockies sent down Sean Bouchard, who has been easily the best of the past three years, and is out. Yes, he’s been going up and down with the Rockies since 2022! “Hold on.” That’s what it says on the cat paragliding poster Jo Adell sent Bouchard.

Ryan McMahon – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, 2nd homer in as many games. I will howl if the Rockies re-sign McMahon to a 10-year, $300m deal.

Nolan Jones – Pausing his rehabilitation with a sore knee. The longest moan in the world.

Ezequiel Tovar – 2-for-5 with his 6th and 7th homers. Sound the shofar of Tovar!

Abraham Toro – 1-for-4 with his 5th homer, hitting .294. That; three homers this month and is hitting close to .350. I went to see if he was taken off late due to injury, and I’m not sure if that’s too sad or not. As a sushi chef, I ride Toro a lot.

Seth Brown – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. It might be hot schmotato, but when you pick up Seth Brown, ask: How did things get so bad?

Kyle Hendricks – Moved to the barn. One must write his farewell letter and write the DFA himself. Most likely, Jordan Wicks will take over for Hendricks when he is ready to go. From Hendricks to Wicks, the -Icks shuffle.

Adbert Alzolay – Getting a 2nd opinion on his arm. I hope the doctor isn’t the person you wrote the save for.

Javier Assad – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 1.70 ERA. After being nice for almost two years straight, he suddenly asked me to pick him up.

Michael Harris II – 1-for-5 with a slam (5) and a walk (7). Also, Orlando Arcia (2-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his 5th homer. That’s great guys. Hey real question, has anyone seen Ozzie Albies? She never stopped modeling short dresses, did she?

Charlie Morton – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.35. I’m not sure why but I always have an irrational fear of Wrigley. Well, I know why, because the winds are blowing at 80 MPH one second and the next it’s out and it’s the Glenallen Hill Derby.

Shohei Ohtani – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 12th and 13th steals, hitting .356. How is he not a top three pick every year?

Christian Walker – 1-for-4 with his 9th homer. Forward Christian Walker!

Joc Pederson – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .321, and close to .350 this month with four homers. Joc is hot and never cools down. As my motto says, it makes sense if you don’t think about it.

Brandon Pfaadt – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.05. He took two big grapes to get him started at Dodger Stadium, and, if he did, he’s as crazy as Pfaack.

Chas McCormick – 0-for-3 as activated from IL. That’s fine, the Astros should never bench Jake Meyers (2-for-3, hitting .301).

Jordan Alvarez – 2-for-4 with his 9th homer, hitting .265. 41 more! Well, maybe we should be happy with 40 total.

Kyle Tucker – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 16th and 17th homers, hitting .293. See, I get why he hit the second one. Joe Espada would beat Tucker 2nd through 9th if he could.

Cristian Javier – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.89. If you drop him, he will run like Ranger Suarez. Don’t you owe him to abandon him?

Jon Singleton – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Supposedly, the Astros are bringing back Jose Abreu this Friday, so, uh, why?

Luis Rengifo – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .316, and eventually hitting his way to the top of the list. MLB managers are dumb. It took Washington six weeks to find out what everyone knew about Rengifo. Same story with Nolan Schanuel (3-for-5, 1 run) as well. Wash still doesn’t know what to make of Adell, even though Willie Calhoun is somehow a cleaner. Make sense!

Kevin Pillar – 1-for-4 with his 5th homer. One of the top scorers on the 7-day Player Rater, which is pretty funny. Sneeze on me JRod!

France – 2-for-4 with his 5th homer. French fly!

Dylan Moore – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homers. I don’t know if this passes the “scientific” test, but if the Mariners played at Yankee Stadium, I think they would be a strong team. Well, except for JRod. Whatever happened to him is anyone’s guess.

Luke Raley – 1-for-5 with his 4th homer, and is hitting around .450 this month. Smoky schmotato.

Bryan Woo – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 0.57, as he threw 77 pitches. We thank God that he is sparing with balls, because he has the ability to release in the middle. Obviously, he has a lot of power. Maybe you’ll be able to throw 85 pitches one day.

Gleyber Torres – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .223. I still believe in him, but it’s starting to get to the point where the people I tell to catch Gleyber are looking at our good football.

Casey Mize – 1 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 4.57 ERA. The Regression Fairies hate what you did to your hair and your chances of winning your league.

Alec Marsh – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.72. He looked at her because he felt there would be questions. It was a very easy assembly and, of course, very strong. A five-pitch mix, a nasty 83 MPH curve, relies on a 94 MPH fastball, a quality changeup and an excellent slider. Not what I would call impressed. It wasn’t like I was watching Skenes or Jared Jones, but he gets the Twins next, and I’ll be watching and taking him in other leagues.

Bobby Witt Jr. – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 6 RBIs and a double slam (6, 7) and walks (16), hitting .304. BWJ! Bobby With Jattidude! It doesn’t work at all, does it? Yes.

Michael Garcia – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .263. Considered this week is Michael Massey’s schmotato run. Hmm…

Garrett Crochet – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.75. White Sux vs. the Jays like a YouTube video titled, “Two Losers Fight.”

Eloy Jimenez – Left the game with a hamstring strain. That is shocking. I am shocked. It’s impossible. It’s impossible.

Cooper Criswell – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.86 vs. Zack Littell – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.42. This compilation was billed as, “Show 14,560,098 how much depth there is.” To be fair, there were about 17 shows, and they started going over the numbers.

Jarren Duran – 1-for-3, 2 runs and slam (3) and walks (11), hitting .271. He is happy that he is hitting the front, content with his rating, he would like more speed. [holds thumb and pinkie together, gets into yogi pose] Speak up…

Byron Buxton – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homers, hitting .257. He finally figured out what the problem with his turn was: He needed to face Patrick Corbin.

Willi Castro – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his fourth homer, hitting .267. Castro catsup on that ball! No? That’s right.

Jose Miranda – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Hot schmotato alert? Sure, but I also really hate Baldelli. The Twins were winning this game easily, they didn’t have to remove Miranda to beat Kepler. That is just stupid.

Ji Hwan Bae – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his first steal, as he is remembered. That recall went like this, “How can we get Olivares off the list? Oh, I have an idea!” If you need to steal from NL-Only, let Bae be your friend.

Trevor Rogers – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 6.11 ERA. I’m not sure what happened to all the good Marlins, but they’re in the bathroom and nobody’s driving.

Robert Gasser – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 hits, zero walks, zero Ks, ERA at 2.65. Gasser [makes farting noise with hand in armpit]

Matt Chapman – 2-for-5 with his 6th homer, hitting .243, and 10 in his last 15. When you say schmotato, I say hot! Schmotato…hot! Schmotato…hot! Schmohawk…hot-damn! I got it!

Joe Musgrove – 3 IP, 0 ER, 5.93 ERA as activated from IL. I wouldn’t have written Musgrove, and I still didn’t pick him up. But other than that, good luck!

Andrew Abbott – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.68. I will not go Abbott over many people. Abbott over Musgrove? Yes. Abbott over Costello. Definitely. Abbott over the Dodgers in his next start, which Broadcaster hates? No.

Star Marte – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .261. Well, he’s no Ketel Marte, but Starling has slowed down his career down the stretch this year. Resounding approval!

Mark Vientos – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, hitting .360. Just hitting him against lefties has to be the stupidest thing the Mets have done in a long time, and that’s like a professional-level limbo bar.

Carlos Carrasco – Hit the IL with “Hey, you were great, and inspiring, but this is over now, right?” It is unclear how long he will be out.

David Fry – 1-for-1, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .338. With eligibility to hold in multiple leagues. Um, hello beautiful. I’m American, I love Fry’d shizz. Let’s go! You’ll be in this Friday Buy column, because of course, which will be available later today on Patreon and Friday here.

Xzavion Curry – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 1.93 ERA. Fun fact! His name translates to when you accidentally drop your Scrabble tiles on saag paneer.

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